Venting Anyone else feel like they've just destroyed their own life?

[魚のサナ]

I just pushed away the one person who is supposed to listen to everything I have to say, my boyfriend.
I've been distant lately (mostly in my own thoughts or just really busy) and hes been worried about me and pushing me to share. So I shared and he kept saying he understood and I kept saying that he doesn't understand. He just gave up and told me that I win and hes just gonna leave me alone and hope my situation gets better.
The thing is... I dont really think he could understand me. He has a loving family who helped him get help when he was younger and helps him with it today. He has plenty of time to spend on himself and can pursue the things he wants to without much of a barrier.
I'm the opposite.
I thInk this entire incident just cemented my resolve in ctb-ing. Is it wrong that I told him he doesn't understand and pushed him away? Should I have just listened to him? I dont know but now I dont think I can go back.

 

[Halfhourdays]

I just got out of jail, am guilty of a felony, live in a halfway house, and am going bankrupt.

Yes on the destroyed life question.

 

[ForestGhost]

I appreciate that he's trying to help, but I get how the "I understand" statement can be off-putting. No, he clearly doesn't understand. In fact no one understands what's going on in another person's brain, right? Even two people who experience the same thing can have wildly different internal responses to it.

Not to overgeneralize too much here, but I think some men, especially younger ones, are just... not always the best at being empathetic. Though it does seem like he's trying. He did at least reach out to understand what you're dealing with. Still, if his misguided attempt at making you feel better only made things worse, I don't think you are in the wrong for putting up a boundary. Maybe there's a chance for a conversation about how he shouldn't try to relate what you're going through to his own experiences and that it would be better to just offer love and support to you instead? I get that those types of conversations that involve "coaching" a partner on how they should be responding to you can be a bit awkward, but it might help to reduce some strain.

In any case, sending you hugs, it's a tough place to be when you feel disconnected from the one person who's really supposed to be there for you

 

[TornReality]

I've basically pushed away the last 'friend' I thought I had. Only because they can't seem to understand where I come from, or how I feel.
Destroying my 'life'? I feel like it was destroyed since creation.
I feel like I've failed at everything I do. No matter what I've done, it all basically failed.

 

[pauly369]

Yes, Ive self - sabotaged my entire life.
Not that my life was ever worth living anyway.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I pushed away the one person who loved and supported me, triggering them to take their own life. The guilt and regret from that incident have been rotting me away from the inside out ever since

 

[Apokryphiel]

I've definitely made a few mistakes in my life that cant just be amounted to being dealt a bad hand.

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

All the time.

 

[魚のサナ]

I appreciate that he's trying to help, but I get how the "I understand" statement can be off-putting. No, he clearly doesn't understand. In fact no one understands what's going on in another person's brain, right? Even two people who experience the same thing can have wildly different internal responses to it.

Not to overgeneralize too much here, but I think some men, especially younger ones, are just... not always the best at being empathetic. Though it does seem like he's trying. He did at least reach out to understand what you're dealing with. Still, if his misguided attempt at making you feel better only made things worse, I don't think you are in the wrong for putting up a boundary. Maybe there's a chance for a conversation about how he shouldn't try to relate what you're going through to his own experiences and that it would be better to just offer love and support to you instead? I get that those types of conversations that involve "coaching" a partner on how they should be responding to you can be a bit awkward, but it might help to reduce some strain.

In any case, sending you hugs, it's a tough place to be when you feel disconnected from the one person who's really supposed to be there for you

This is exactly how I feel. It felt so off putting to be told that he understands when it didn't seem like he did at all... I did have a conversation with him but he didn't seem to understand that conversation either .

I've basically pushed away the last 'friend' I thought I had. Only because they can't seem to understand where I come from, or how I feel.
Destroying my 'life'? I feel like it was destroyed since creation.
I feel like I've failed at everything I do. No matter what I've done, it all basically failed.

I feel that so much. I've pushed people away because they don't understand and they try to hard to... fix me. I'm not a broken toy or a doll I can't be fixed. I'm a human being and I want to be healed. But healing hasn't been coming and only hurt comes. So it seems...

I pushed away the one person who loved and supported me, triggering them to take their own life. The guilt and regret from that incident have been rotting me away from the inside out ever since

I'm sorry you feel that way. My heart goes out to you... I'm sure you've heard this at least a hundred times before but know that their ctb was not your fault and only the fault of their owns.

If we get the courtesy out of the way... I can only imagine how much it hurts to have to live with that guilt even if it's unfounded. I hope you find peace from the guilt whether that be in this world or the next.

 

[Polyxo]

I have a habit of self-sabotage that's lasted my entire life. People expected great things from me and I've failed them continuously. My sibling is the successful one and I'm the black sheep that's leeching off the kindness of others. Most recently I hurt my only friend who I love so much and now we're not talking. At this point I'm not sure I'm capable of being a decent human being.

You're not alone.