Venting Anyone Else Feel Like They're LARPing?

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Listen to this whilst reading for the correct mood/feel/atmosphere.

Sometimes it feels like I'm not going to kill myself unless very bad things start to happen. Seems like it's a giant coping mechanism to mentally escape from my shit life. I have 10mm static and access to the woods, recently an intelligent med student on the forum chose this very method. I haven't even gotten the damn thing out of the package, sure I learned the knots and which way is best to do partial but I'm far away from acting like someone that's actually going to ctb. 2400 posts? Come on man.

I have no reason to expect anything will change for the better or the worse within five or even ten years. Am I going to be 33 and in the exact same life situation? 43? My emotional pain, despite being intense enough to be able to shut down my functioning, is still not enough for me to kill myself. And it has been getting more manageable despite not reducing in quantity or quality. Yet I keep thinking and writing that I'm so going to kill myself and how that's so easy for me. If I had a gun, then I would, no question. Or is there? If I haven't even attempted a partial despite having had this rope for a month, could I even shoot myself?

I'm not completely heartless at this point, I would prefer it if my entire family didn't have to deal with my suicide. Waiting until I'm a basement dweller in my 30s would probably reduce the trauma of the whole thing. Then no one would think that: "he had potential", "he was so young", "his life had barely started" (), etc. My siblings would be mature and have good, stable, normie lives and could manage the suicide in a much better way than if I did it now. People would understand that my life was over, that it was not worth living (to them) any longer. They can't relate to feeling that way at 23 since they met their gf at that age, got their degree at that age and started working, moved out of their parents' house at that age, and so on.

Well, I didn't--and I won't.

Once I'm 33 in the basement, with no improvements to this shitfuck except in how many pieces of metal I can put on a bar at the gym, then everyone will be able to share my relief. They'll think "If I was in that situation, if I were that shitty--then I'd also want to die. I'm glad that fella found peace in death, it was cool that he survived all of that loneliness, pain and failure for this long. Rest in piece.".

But I still want to do it, get rid of this entire shebang now. Been like that for five years. Get to leave sooner than later. But maybe I'm just coping.

Shit thread, tbh, but I can't just make jokes and edgy comments without venting once in while.

 

[shy]

Enduring life until your 30s and becoming a basement dweller, just to make your suicide easier on your family is such an honorable goal. Sad that they'd never know how much you cared.

 

[Lucien]

"Yeah, doctor, I'm not in REAL pain. I just think about how worthless I am for several hours every day."

"I know, right? I can think about YOU in pain for hours and it doesn't bother me at all!"

But seriously you're not scamming anyone here out of your lifeblood. You're not under contract and this website isn't even close to a shadowy cabal or the suicide mafia (if you ignore one or two possibly delusional? users). Post a billion more posts if you like posting.

 

[popcorn]

i always thought u were much older than 23, u come across very mature

u might feel the same way when you are 33, i do. i think we just get used to the same level existence. i saw a goodbye thread from a belonging to a user from 2018 in recent months, i forget who. so dont worry about the 2400 posts (:

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

i always thought u were much older than 23, u come across very mature

Second time someone has said this. I think depression accelerates your aging. I try to balance it out by using slang, memes and emojis.

Enduring life until your 30s and becoming a basement dweller, just to make your suicide easier on your family is such an honorable goal. Sad that they'd never know how much you cared.

Sounds like it's a sad story arch in Naruto when you put it that way.

u might feel the same way when you are 33, i do. i think we just get used to the same level existence.

Fuck, I hope not. Plus, I'm guessing that the world will be less liveable for a basement dweller in a couple of decades. Since I don't enjoy entertainment I might just collapse from boredom or become clinically insane if I stay alive for another decade.

 

[popcorn]

do you have symptoms of derealisation? thats what LARPing sounds like to me

i had it once for a few months following a mad depression episode. super shitty time. derealisation is real;, pardon the pun ha

 

[Lucien]

Sounds like it's a sad story arch in Naruto when you put it that way.

So that's where your picture is from. Was told I look like sauce-quay you-chia once. I don't but if you ever need an arch-rival..

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

do you have symptoms of derealisation? thats what LARPing sounds like to me

i had it once for a few months following a mad depression episode. super shitty time. derealisation is real;, pardon the pun ha

No, I have no derealization. No psychoticism or whatever either, stuck in hellish reality 24/7. But this description:

Other symptoms include feeling as though one's environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional coloring, and depth

fits in very well. Can't remember the last time I felt that my environment had emotional colouring and depth.

So that's where your picture is from. Was told I look like sauce-quay you-chia once. I don't but if you ever need an arch-rival..

Discount-Madara? No, I'm good.

 

[Tintypographer]

Wait until you're in your 50s with a family, kids who are 23, you are a financial and social success and you still wake up every day with absolutely no feeling of joy, no pride in yourself and nothing bus self loathing. With treatment resistant depression and suicidal ideation, these feelings do not go away for me. And trust me it's not about success. I have a family, I have no debt, we have substantial retirement savings, healthcare, kids college is paid for and can afford second homes and ski vacations. Volunteer in the community and go to church. I also hope and pray that my own kids don't have this mental disease but for me the pain of hating myself and my life never goes away and it's so bad that I would gladly give up seeing high school graduations or weddings or even wish I had never been born just to make the emotional pain of existing go away.

This is what frustrates me so much about the hatred of this site; the anger that people are stuck in this situation of horrible daily pain but a complete lack of understanding of how bad it is to hate your own existence. If I hated another person or race or ethnicity as much as I hate myself and my own life I would be classified as a complete base form of bigotry. It's not a normal feeling and I wish it were a choice for me not not feel deep depression. You do walk around every day with a feeling that everything is worthless and doesn't matter. It's not restricted to age!

I will admit that there are events in a person's life that can probably make it seem like the world is ending (boyfriend or girlfriend breakup as a teenager or pet dies or peer bullying) and this too shall pass. But to consistently wish you could get better through years of intense therapy, medication, hospitalization and have depression there when you wake up and fall asleep for decades is like a broken bone or burn being there as a continuous reminder.

Please realize that existence can be torture!!

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Wait until you're in your 50s with a family, kids who are 23, you are a financial and social success and you still wake up every day with absolutely no feeling of joy, no pride in yourself and nothing bus self loathing. With treatment resistant depression and suicidal ideation, these feelings do not go away for me. And trust me it's not about success. I have a family, I have no debt, we have substantial retirement savings, healthcare, kids college is paid for and can afford second homes and ski vacations. Volunteer in the community and go to church. I also hope and pray that my own kids don't have this mental disease but for me the pain of hating myself and my life never goes away and it's so bad that I would gladly give up seeing high school graduations or weddings or even wish I had never been born just to make the emotional pain of existing go away.

This is what frustrates me so much about the hatred of this site; the anger that people are stuck in this situation of horrible daily pain but a complete lack of understanding of how bad it is to hate your own existence. If I hated another person or race or ethnicity as much as I hate myself and my own life I would be classified as a complete base form of bigotry. It's not a normal feeling and I wish it were a choice for me not not feel deep depression. You do walk around every day with a feeling that everything is worthless and doesn't matter. It's not restricted to age!

I will admit that there are events in a person's life that can probably make it seem like the world is ending (boyfriend or girlfriend breakup as a teenager or pet dies or peer bullying) and this too shall pass. But to consistently wish you could get better through years of intense therapy, medication, hospitalization and have depression there when you wake up and fall asleep for decades is like a broken bone or burn being there as a continuous reminder.

Please realize that existence can be torture!!

Having a tough time understanding what you wanted to convey here. Could you put it in simpler and more direct terms?

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Hes Having a tough time understanding what you wanted to convey here. Could you put it in simpler and more direct terms?

He's saying that life can still be horrible even if you have your materialistic and emotional needs met. I also think he's implying that it's sometimes better to end it earlier than to struggle meaninglessly for decades just to suffer anyways.

 

[WornOutLife]

Sounds like it's a sad story arch in Naruto when you put it that way.

You made me laugh so much here! haha
Wow, you're really young my friend! I'm 33 and I can tell you if you're suicidal, things will probably keep on sucking (even more than before) when you reach this age.
I think you're quite nice for caring about your family. I kinda do now too because if I ever ctb, I won't do it at my apartment. It will be too shocking to find my dead body here. I think a hotel would be better.

Wish you the best and keep on sharing these new Naruto arcs. I really love that anime lol.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

He's saying that life can still be horrible even if you have your materialistic and emotional needs met. I also think he's implying that it's sometimes better to end it earlier than to struggle meaninglessly for decades just to suffer anyways.

Thanks bro.

Wow, you're really young my friend! I'm 33 and I can tell you if you're suicidal, things will probably keep on sucking (even more than before) when you reach this age.

I'm counting on it.

Wish you the best and keep on sharing these new Naruto arcs. I really love that anime lol.

I've only watched two animes, tbh. The other I watched was called Joker Game, or something to that effect. Naruto is definitely worth watching if anyone hasn't (and likes watching shows/movies, of course). I binged all 1000 episodes or whatever right before joining the forum. Hope the Japanese studies are going well!

 

[Lucien]

I binged all 1000 episodes

Sweet Mother Mary.

 

[rs929]

You seem a quite intelligent and educated person, and you're just 23. Why is there no hope left for you exactly?

 

[Symbiote]

I feel like an impostor sometimes. To the point I don't share or open up about my issues because it's too hard to explain to them when they ask me "Why are you so ungrateful in life?" I have all the material needs, and some emotional needs met, but my self-loathing and hatred takes over on most days. Some people think I'm a dick because I don't take their compliments or praise to heart because I don't believe them. I think most people are fake nice when in reality they don't want to hurt your feelings by telling the truth. LARPing a serious mental illness is like Ben Stiller level acting like when he did the scene for Tropic Thunder:

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

You seem a quite intelligent and educated person, and you're just 23. Why is there no hope left for you exactly?

I'm neither intelligent nor educated. Dropped out of college thrice, no references for jobs (walk-outs, got fired once), never had a gf, been suicidal for five years, anhedonia, very low motivation to fix anything, callous personality, bad at attaching to people (never missed anyone, etc), low empathy, bad social skills unless I make an effort, unable to make an effort.

 

[Carrotcake]

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your posts, both the funny and the serious ones. If you can make me laugh even when I'm on a suicide forum, you are doing something right :)

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your posts, both the funny and the serious ones. If you can make me laugh even when I'm on a suicide forum, you are doing something right :)

Thank you, bro. I feel pretty confident about being able to post funny things on this forum now since several people have given me this type of feedback. Maybe I'll be a comedian in the afterlife (I've actually tried stand-up comedy several times IRL when on them pills, btw).

 

[TriggerHappy]

Once I'm 33 in the basement, with no improvements to this shitfuck except in how many pieces of metal I can put on a bar at the gym, then everyone will be able to share my relief.

well... after reading your post it's clearly obvious to all that you are just in need of a little 'push' in the right direction. You are nauseatingly young so i'm sure you have your own ideas about your basement cum ctb studio: off course they all vary on your interests:
(nice spot for prayer & other excerpts from the Book of Mormon /
red room devilgirls - taken from Thailand's lover's lane district /
kill em all muthafuckers!! triggerhappy /
weird uncle jamie's trailer that smells like rot & bleach and strangely -peppermints!!)

you have so much to look forward to my friend - even if God might not have a plan for you - I do (well at least your basement - lol) i know you don't have it easy & when you're master of humour & distraction it's hard to show people you're hurting :: don't be so hard on yourself; you've been through shitloads to bring you here...
it's hard making yourself happy when you're looking out for everyone else's happiness; but try. (I will need someone to leave my Murakami to when i'm gone!!)
and wether you believe it or not you make a difference (I speak for myself - someone who digs your humour :: sumthin i need when i take my supremely fucked up life too seriously...) thanks bro
:: Guns / Shooting / Stars ::

 

[GarageKarate07]

Listen to this whilst reading for the correct mood/feel/atmosphere.

Sometimes it feels like I'm not going to kill myself unless very bad things start to happen. Seems like it's a giant coping mechanism to mentally escape from my shit life. I have 10mm static and access to the woods, recently an intelligent med student on the forum chose this very method. I haven't even gotten the damn thing out of the package, sure I learned the knots and which way is best to do partial but I'm far away from acting like someone that's actually going to ctb. 2400 posts? Come on man.

I have no reason to expect anything will change for the better or the worse within five or even ten years. Am I going to be 33 and in the exact same life situation? 43? My emotional pain, despite being intense enough to be able to shut down my functioning, is still not enough for me to kill myself. And it has been getting more manageable despite not reducing in quantity or quality. Yet I keep thinking and writing that I'm so going to kill myself and how that's so easy for me. If I had a gun, then I would, no question. Or is there? If I haven't even attempted a partial despite having had this rope for a month, could I even shoot myself?

I'm not completely heartless at this point, I would prefer it if my entire family didn't have to deal with my suicide. Waiting until I'm a basement dweller in my 30s would probably reduce the trauma of the whole thing. Then no one would think that: "he had potential", "he was so young", "his life had barely started" (), etc. My siblings would be mature and have good, stable, normie lives and could manage the suicide in a much better way than if I did it now. People would understand that my life was over, that it was not worth living (to them) any longer. They can't relate to feeling that way at 23 since they met their gf at that age, got their degree at that age and started working, moved out of their parents' house at that age, and so on.

Well, I didn't--and I won't.

Once I'm 33 in the basement, with no improvements to this shitfuck except in how many pieces of metal I can put on a bar at the gym, then everyone will be able to share my relief. They'll think "If I was in that situation, if I were that shitty--then I'd also want to die. I'm glad that fella found peace in death, it was cool that he survived all of that loneliness, pain and failure for this long. Rest in piece.".

But I still want to do it, get rid of this entire shebang now. Been like that for five years. Get to leave sooner than later. But maybe I'm just coping.

Shit thread, tbh, but I can't just make jokes and edgy comments without venting once in while.

Me and my Plus 2 Fire Sword are getting the fuck out of here! Did anyone watch that LARPING movie with the vampire demons? The one with Dinklage? Knights of Baddassdom?

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

well... after reading your post it's clearly obvious to all that you are just in need of a little 'push' in the right direction.

There are no pushes, this isn't a movie. Thank you for this post, though. I am glad you enjoy some of my posts, I certainly enjoy reading your posts and viewing your art.

about your basement cum ctb studio

 

[Makko]

Reflecting on suicide and feeling compelled to commit it are two different things. I've been doing the former all my life, but the latter not even once yet. As long as you have enough ambient comfort in life, you won't feel the compulsion. The thoughts will ingrain themselves and become part of your mental backdrop, they won't spontaneously evolve into action.

30 is the new 20. People's view of you won't change by then. When you're 40 and still in the basement, that's when things first start coming clear to everyone. Your own view of yourself will change though. When I was 23 I was as discombobulated as you are now. At 28, only 5 years later, I'm thinking and feeling a lot different. I've come to insights. You can and should also do this, but you don't come to insights by hiding in the basement. You must experience things. You have to confront the adult world in a real war. It's going to be a lot different than the war you imagine in your head, or the war you had when you were a kid. The experience that will give you the insights isn't in the trophies but in the battle scars.

If you don't do this you'll still be here at 40, as lost as you are now.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I've come to insights. You can and should also do this, but you don't come to insights by hiding in the basement. You must experience things. You have to confront the adult world in a real war. It's going to be a lot different than the war you imagine in your head, or the war you had when you were a kid. The experience that will give you the insights isn't in the trophies but in the battle scars.

If you don't do this you'll still be here at 40, as lost as you are now.

Sounds great but I have no way of getting to any battlefield as of now. Guessing that my numerous failed attempts at college and work were "as a kid" (most recent attempt at 22) then and that I haven't tried anything as an "adult" yet?

If I kill myself I'll just bypass this annoying process, tho .

When I was 23 I was as discombobulated as you are now. At 28, only 5 years later, I'm thinking and feeling a lot different.

We have almost nothing in common in terms of anything, an inference is ridiculous to make.

 

[Makko]

Sounds great but I have no way of getting to any battlefield as of now. Guessing that my numerous failed attempts at college and work were "as a kid" (most recent attempt at 22) then and that I haven't tried anything as an "adult" yet?

If I kill myself I'll just bypass this annoying process, tho .

We have almost nothing in common in terms of anything, an inference is ridiculous to make.

I'm saying that if you want to find the proper resolve to kill yourself you're only going to find it on the battlefield. You won't find it under your bed.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I'm saying that if you want to find the proper resolve to kill yourself you're only going to find it on the battlefield. You won't find it under your bed.

This makes good sense, thanks.