Anyone else feel like their fickle

[Kerock]

Recently I finished a college quarter and I thought I failed one of my classes that are required for me to graduate and wouldave made me stay in college an extra year longer, but in fact I didn't. However I despaired before I knew I actually passed. I made plans to kill myself and made scenarios of how I would and what I would say before. Logically it makes sense like yeah why I would feel that way. But I am now ashamed i let myself go so quickly and easily after going through something so stressful. A part of me also knows I mightve probably never gone through it even if I did fail. However I'm still ashamed all the work I did to build up self compassion and self soothing has been so easily lost. It sucks that I still live with abusive parents. But it sucks even more having this fickle suicidal mindset driven by my self destructive nihilism and feelings of fraud. I guess that shows I still have a lot more progress to make in order to heal. But I never will be fully healed will I. I need more friends and better meds for my adhd. And I wish my therapist was more consistent.

 

[timf]

School life is a bit artificial. As a result, it can loom larger in one's thoughts than it ought to. This can distort thinking to such a degree that thoughts of self-harm are magnified. Further compounding problems is that you have yet to build your own life with your own job, apartment, friends, etc. This can leave you feeling that you are standing on shifting sand. It might be beneficial to have something solid for yourself like an activity like playing tennis, or a hobby, or even some part time job. This might give you some sort of reference point so that things that seem magnified do not loom so large.