boxtobs
unfortunate geometry (Toby)
- Jan 23, 2023
- 26
I dunno. I've been told I have PTSD, major depressive disorder with recurrent episodes, an unspecified dissociative disorder, generalized anxiety, and borderline.
Quite the grab bag to be honest. I disagree with most of them, though some of the ptsd meds do help.
I've also been diagnosed with bipolar 2 before it was repealed, autism before my insurance fought it, some kind of mood disorder that I had for a year before someone else took my case and it all feels a touch arbitrarily assigned. Every new person has decided something else is my problem and lots of times they've decided it in spite what I've said my experiences are/based off of "impressions"/even if I don't meet the diagnostic criteria.
I don't really feel anything. Not happiness, not sadness. Not the consequences of my actions or guilt. No loneliness or emptiness. Nothing feels tangible.
I don't experience any "symptoms" or if I do my body does them without me. It'll cry, it'll be "lethargic", it'll hyperventilate. I don't feel any of it though, it's just kind of in my way and sudden. Sometimes it does it randomly too, though sometimes I assume I've stumbled into a trigger I can't remember.
Most of the time I would rather die simply because I don't see a point in doing things. I could get a millionth job. I could interact. I could get another hobby. I don't get why I would though. I'm not going to feel anything when I do. They're just busy work. They're abstract things we've assigned meaning to because people like them. I'm not sure I'm people anymore. I'd have the same experience sitting in a ripe dumpster as I would taking a cooking class or playing a video game. Everything feels equivalent. Can't remember a time when it wasn't. Though I can't remember much of anything though, to be fair.
I don't know. I've tried doing all the things I'm supposed to. Been on every SSRI, a handful of mood stabilizers, alpha blockers, some anti- psychotics, the works. I've talked to people, have friends, have partners, tried school, have jobs. I've been in therapy since I was 7. I exercise daily. I have a pet.
I'm still nothing. I don't get it. When I do all of those things they tell me I'm all better and I'm doing better, they make me go to less appointments, have fewer social workers bother me but. It's the same for me, it just looks better externally. What is this supposed to be like?
Why do people want to do this? Or like if you're fighting suicidality, why do you feel the need to fight? What're feelings supposed to be like? What's anything supposed to mean? I don't get it. How do you want things?
Nothing's wrong with me, y'know? I can do what they want me to. I just don't get why and it's a lot of rules and behaviors to practice, so I don't. It'd be far less hassle if I could stop entirely. I don't want to juggle all of these things for other people's comfort indefinitely because I should want to, even when I don't. But when I say that I get put in another hospital and told I'm "in crisis" and not thinking clearly.
Apologies for the long-windedness. Thank you for listening.
Quite the grab bag to be honest. I disagree with most of them, though some of the ptsd meds do help.
I've also been diagnosed with bipolar 2 before it was repealed, autism before my insurance fought it, some kind of mood disorder that I had for a year before someone else took my case and it all feels a touch arbitrarily assigned. Every new person has decided something else is my problem and lots of times they've decided it in spite what I've said my experiences are/based off of "impressions"/even if I don't meet the diagnostic criteria.
I don't really feel anything. Not happiness, not sadness. Not the consequences of my actions or guilt. No loneliness or emptiness. Nothing feels tangible.
I don't experience any "symptoms" or if I do my body does them without me. It'll cry, it'll be "lethargic", it'll hyperventilate. I don't feel any of it though, it's just kind of in my way and sudden. Sometimes it does it randomly too, though sometimes I assume I've stumbled into a trigger I can't remember.
Most of the time I would rather die simply because I don't see a point in doing things. I could get a millionth job. I could interact. I could get another hobby. I don't get why I would though. I'm not going to feel anything when I do. They're just busy work. They're abstract things we've assigned meaning to because people like them. I'm not sure I'm people anymore. I'd have the same experience sitting in a ripe dumpster as I would taking a cooking class or playing a video game. Everything feels equivalent. Can't remember a time when it wasn't. Though I can't remember much of anything though, to be fair.
I don't know. I've tried doing all the things I'm supposed to. Been on every SSRI, a handful of mood stabilizers, alpha blockers, some anti- psychotics, the works. I've talked to people, have friends, have partners, tried school, have jobs. I've been in therapy since I was 7. I exercise daily. I have a pet.
I'm still nothing. I don't get it. When I do all of those things they tell me I'm all better and I'm doing better, they make me go to less appointments, have fewer social workers bother me but. It's the same for me, it just looks better externally. What is this supposed to be like?
Why do people want to do this? Or like if you're fighting suicidality, why do you feel the need to fight? What're feelings supposed to be like? What's anything supposed to mean? I don't get it. How do you want things?
Nothing's wrong with me, y'know? I can do what they want me to. I just don't get why and it's a lot of rules and behaviors to practice, so I don't. It'd be far less hassle if I could stop entirely. I don't want to juggle all of these things for other people's comfort indefinitely because I should want to, even when I don't. But when I say that I get put in another hospital and told I'm "in crisis" and not thinking clearly.
Apologies for the long-windedness. Thank you for listening.
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