Venting Anyone else feel genuinely disgusted being alive?

[lizardsoup]

Here we go again, im currently tapering off my antidepressant and got put on a mood stabilizer (going on a different antidepressant later though, and getting a psychiatrist soon)
Do you guys ever feel genuinely disgusted being alive? The feeling of my skin on my own body, my body heat, my breathing, my heartbeat, i hate all of it. Ive felt so disgusted and alienated from my own body for so long but i could never really describe it. It feels like something in me physically wants to crawl out of this fucking flesh sack, i cant stand this anymore.
Unfortunately (or "fortunately", i guess), I have a boyfriend who is not able to cope with death, and i know mine would especially destroy him. I cant do that to him but i just want to ctb so badly.

 

[Canttakeitanymore]

Im disgusted by how much of a failure i am

 

[WornOutLife]

My past mistakes and my overweight make living so hard.

Also, just dealing with life is so annoying and disgusting. I can't believe I'm 33 and I'm still part of this world lol.

Anyway, we'll have peace someday and that makes me feel better.

 

[Soulless Angel]

My whole existence disappoints and disgusts me, I loathe who I see in a mirror, I can't stand the sound of my own voice, I feel like I just waste everyone's time and am nothing but worthless, something that simply shouldn't be breathing.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I somehow don't hate myself or am disgusted or even disappointed by myself despite being a giant failure. Not emotionally, at least. When I make objective statements like that I am a failure or that I am a loser my family reacts as if these statements are emotionally charged, when they are never that.

What is emotionally charged is thinking about the tfw no gf and how other people are better off. But that somehow doesn't transfer to self-hatred, at least not consciously. It just becomes raw pain instantly. Maybe I hate myself sub-consciously, though, that would make sense.

 

[Isisnefert]

Toda mi existencia me decepciona y me repugna, detesto a quien veo en un espejo, no puedo soportar el sonido de mi propia voz, siento que pierdo el tiempo de todos y no soy más que un inútil, algo que simplemente no debería respiración.

Same

Mis errores pasados y mi sobrepeso hacen que vivir sea muy difícil.

Además, lidiar con la vida es tan molesto y repugnante. No puedo creer que tenga 33 años y sigo siendo parte de este mundo jajaja.

De todos modos, algún día tendremos paz y eso me hace sentir mejor.

I was a beautiful and cheerful girl, but depression and overweight have destroyed me

 

[hfdepression30]

Yup. There's literally nothing stopping me except me. Everything is ready, I've sorted through all my belongings, written a suicide note.. I can do it at any time, but I still haven't.

I try to remind myself it's not too bad; so many others have going through this and succeeded, so if they can do it then so can I. I'll google suicide and look at articles or the wiki lists.. it's just whenever I put the ligature around my neck I feel like I'm choking before I even tightened or started, then I panic and stop. Start pacing and tell myself I'll try again in an hour.. I feel pathetic as f*ck

 

[TooConscious]

I feel I profoundly hate this despicable existence more than any other living sentient thing.
There does not seem to be anyone as unhappy as me... Unless they hide us from one another so we feel alone.

 

[Leiden]

I absolutely despise being alive. I hate every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day.

 

[MindFrog]

I do feel like filth needed to be clean. Sometimes I even wonder if I deserve to be alive, since I'm just wasting it anyways. And all the pain I've cost and still inflicting to my loved ones is just...

I just despise myself.

 

[electrojellysoup]

Oh yeah I do. I think life itself is disgusting and unnatural. The boundaries of this world (skin, minds, gender, whatever) are so arbitrary and unnecessary.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can relate. I feel trapped inside this body which has been damaged by chronic illness. My soul feels separate from this, like it has an desire to be set free from this prison. Sometimes just being conscious is a nightmare.

 

[FireFox]

Yes yes yes and I want to scream when people say I should be "grateful" when I am alive and healthy during the pandemic.

I am NOT FUCKING grateful i am alive. What is so great about being alive and healthy when you don't even know what to do with your life and have absolutely nothing to live for.

Good health is meaningless if cant be enjoyed fully.

I believe life is not worth living because life is nothing but full of disappointments, pain, human selfishness .
Life isnt for everyone i am not strong enough for this world and I dont know my real purpose in life..

 

[fishtacos4me]

I wouldn't say I'm disgusted with being alive - but I am disgusted with this world. I'm disgusted with the existence of such a cruel meaningless place and the systems it employs.

 

[Mixo]

I'm crying because I can relate so much. I feel like a living, walking cesspool of unwanted disease. I just can't face that I'm still human, alive, and suffering everyday. It's just so wrong that this kind of pain is possible.

 

[LastFlowers]

Not really the way you describe it, not simply that I'm doing the usual things living organisms do, but rather the circumstances of how I'm forced to be living, there is definitely a genuine discomfort and disgust/dissociation from my physical self but that's because I look like shit and thus feel like shit.

I feel I profoundly hate this despicable existence more than any other living sentient thing.
There does not seem to be anyone as unhappy as me... Unless they hide us from one another so we feel alone.

They do hide us from one another, the same way they hide those who believe we have a right to die, from realizing we are not the only ones.
They gaslight us into thinking we are some anomaly, when we are not.
This is one of those situations where the internet is a good thing.

 

[quwroflucilfer3]

Here we go again, im currently tapering off my antidepressant and got put on a mood stabilizer (going on a different antidepressant later though, and getting a psychiatrist soon)
Do you guys ever feel genuinely disgusted being alive? The feeling of my skin on my own body, my body heat, my breathing, my heartbeat, i hate all of it. Ive felt so disgusted and alienated from my own body for so long but i could never really describe it. It feels like something in me physically wants to crawl out of this fucking flesh sack, i cant stand this anymore.
Unfortunately (or "fortunately", i guess), I have a boyfriend who is not able to cope with death, and i know mine would especially destroy him. I cant do that to him but i just want to ctb so badly.

Whoever is going to miss you if you need to ctb well to damn bad. You don't have an obligation to stick around for others unless its your children in my opinion.

 

[Why Me?]

Yeah, this is the main reason I'm CTBing. Everything is disgusting, my body, my appearance, what I've been thru, where I live, the injustice that has happened in my life, the character of humans is disgusting, my future is disgusting, and can easily become horribly more disgusting. I'm absolutely disgusted to the point where I can't get out of bed, I can barely move. I will CTB very soon, I just received my rope for partial hanging. I want to finish writing about what happened to me before I leave, so I'm trying to be productive. I should be gone very soon. If partial hanging doesn't work, I will go with my desperate method.