Venting Anyone else been stuck with a relationship from the past? Not being able to get over someone and the memories of them still haunts you?

[Misery99]

I'm stuck with memories from a past relationship and it hurts me so much. He is now married and has a kid with his new wife. I still can't seem to get over it and regrets about all the what ifs and blaming mysef for what I didn't do right. It was a long distance relationship. He never considered me as a real girlfriend as our connection was 95% online. But since I'm a hermit and don't have a social life, it felt like a real relationship for me. He was the one who made the first move and messaged me on a dating site. Then he gave me his number and we added each other on social media. He was a medical doctor by profession. It happened in early 2018. He used to call me nicknames like baby,babe and made me feel like I was his girlfriend. He even said "I love you" to me.Whenever I got a text message from him, it made me feel delighted. I was so attracted to him. He made me feel happy to be alive. But when I feel happy it never lasts.

He was working in a foreign country and wanted to meet me when he visited my country. I had very bad social phobia and agoraphobia so I never left the house on my own. I told my mom about him and said that I want to meet him so bad. But my mom didn't let me go meet him. I cried and suffered a lot but I was ashamed to tell him that I can't come to meet him because I have mental health issues like social phobia and agoraphobia. I thought that he would think that I was a weirdo. So I didn't tell him my mental health problems and the childhood trauma from my mom's behavior of her having sex with other men behind my dad's back. He was born with a silver spoon. He was from a noble family and had everything handed to him but he worked hard to go higher in his medical career too. My life was totally the opposite to him. I feel like a total loser when compared to him. No wonder why he wanted to do nothing with me after he got to know that I was a loser.

So he got bored of our relationship and found a new girl. He said that she came after him but I'm not sure if it's true. She was a young muslim nurse and they had met at work.

But I still feel angry about how he mislead me by texting me like a girlfriend but then suddenly abandoned me after he found a new girl. He's 10+ years older than me. His new wife is even couple years younger than me. His ex wife was also a doctor and they had a son together too.But I think she divorced him because of his cheating and he got bored after she got older. So it's obvious that this guy is a total jerk but my stupid mind blames me for losing him. Why do I even care about a piece of crap like him? If he left the first woman who made him a father, then I'm a nobody to him.
But I still can't overthinking about it.

Early in this year, he had came to my country and he texted me from a new number. He messaged me like he was someone else but I was suspicious and said that I want to hear his voice. Then he revealed that it was him.He said that he wanted to meet me. But I didn't know that he was married at the time. This time I made the decision to not tell my mom and go and meet him secretly. So we met at a hotel room and he wanted to have sex without condoms.I wanted to win his love so I let him have sex with me. He kissed me on the lips and even cuddled with me after sex so I thought that he might like me more than just a friend. But I think it was all an act that he did. He promised to keep in contact with me after sex but he didn't. After I checked his social media account and I was shocked to see that his relationship status was shown as married. So he was already married when he had sex with me. He had broken marriage vows to his wife. So now I feel very angry that he used girls like me for his satisfaction and feel like getting revenge and telling the world what he did. I saw that he had blocked me some time after from his social media account probably because his new wife also uses his account. He blocked me probably because his new wife would get to know that he cheated on her if I messaged him.

I know that he's a filthy guy but I still can't stop my mind from thinking about the past with him. It sucks.

 

[Pluto]

Sorry to see you have been through this.

The more I read your account, the more I realised this is 100% narcissistic behaviour. People like that are very attractive because they manipulate and lie. With experience, you'll find they are 'too good to be true'.

He would have targeted you in the first place because of your vulnerable situation. It is also why he would be disloyal to all partners. He will be completely lacking in empathy. The reason you feel the way you do is because you have been psychologically manipulated. It was never a real relationship.

It is hard when you have not been supported to gain confidence, but you can do a million times better. A dating app might work for you. Obviously you need to focus on finding someone who is gentle and caring. You will have a lot of options to choose from. At the same time, don't use relationships as a way of bypassing working on your own anxiety and phobias. Keep self-improvement in mind. Relationships are usually a mirror of where we are at.

 

[jodes2]

I'm so sorry. I'd be devastated too. My relationship is in serious trouble, and if I can't fix it, I'm going to hurt for a LONG time. 10 years is a long time to be in a relationship. I can't imagine wanting another relationship for at least 5 years if it failed, and the depression would be long lived and intolerable. I'd probably catch the bus eventually. Would have very little reason to stay. And you don't need a long, real life relationship to get this attached to someone either. As soon as someone brings hope and meaning to your life that you didn't have, boom. The attachment is there. The pain of separation is very real, whatever the circumstances. I'm so sorry for you

Don't label yourself a loser, it's not fair on yourself. Only people with extremely limited life experience call others losers. You're a valid, valued, valuable human being. Period. If he thought you're a "loser", then he's a "fucking moron". You have great worth. You just need to find the right person who gets you and maybe has been there themselves. It helps an awful lot. I look down on people who call others losers completely. They're not worth my time. They have no respect, so I have no respect for them. They're basically clueless bullies in my eyes.

Fuck him. Move on Hun. Find someone worth your time, energy and love

 

[H0110W]

I can relate because I also was a hermit, a hikikomori even, and I had an online relationship that lasted for a very long time. Unfortunately, long distance online relationships are doomed to fail 99% of the time. A relationship takes intimacy and real contact. If it's online-only, it is fake and incomplete, and one of the two will for sure move on as soon as something real happens. I never said to my online girlfriend, at the time, to not pursue real relationships, because I was very aware that it could not last with me, living 1000 kilometers apart. She eventually found a guy and even though it hurt like hell I gave her advice to make it work and we eventually moved apart. I was devastated for a long time and it's the first time I really had real suicidal thoughts.

All I can say to you, having felt this kind of pain before for the same reason as you, is to realize that it was never a real relationship. He was never your boyfriend.
You need to realize and internalise this, because it's 100% the objective truth.
You need to accept it and move on.
The fact he did not even make an effort to help you move on after he found another girl shows he probably didn't really love you and just toyed with you. Sorry for being so blunt but I myself kept messaging her and helped her every time she had issues despite the fact she got a bf, she also kept messaging me when I was depressed, that's because we truly loved each other and it didn't work out just because of the distance. It seems to me he did not love you.

And one last thing. You mention he's 10 years older than you. This means you probably met when you were underage. Consider he might have been some kind of predator or either way a very immature and insecure adult. You said that you met him secretly so that raised me a few red flags and I thought you were underage, but you said his wife is younger than you so I take that back. Either way if you were underage at the time, that's another reason to move on from this guy.

Finally, reporting his cheating to his wife would feel good but I think it will hurt his family more than it would hurt him: I'm not sure it's worth it but personally I wouldn't do it.

That being said, I really do hope you can move on from this. I assure you that it is immensely painful but you can do it.

 

[Misery99]

Sorry to see you have been through this.

The more I read your account, the more I realised this is 100% narcissistic behaviour. People like that are very attractive because they manipulate and lie. With experience, you'll find they are 'too good to be true'.

He would have targeted you in the first place because of your vulnerable situation. It is also why he would be disloyal to all partners. He will be completely lacking in empathy. The reason you feel the way you do is because you have been psychologically manipulated. It was never a real relationship.

It is hard when you have not been supported to gain confidence, but you can do a million times better. A dating app might work for you. Obviously you need to focus on finding someone who is gentle and caring. You will have a lot of options to choose from. At the same time, don't use relationships as a way of bypassing working on your own anxiety and phobias. Keep self-improvement in mind. Relationships are usually a mirror of where we are at.

Yes I think that he's a narcissist person. He probably lacks empathy despite being a doctor. He's not Hollywood type of handsome since he's not that tall but his face was really attractive to me. And I think that he's a social butterfly. He has many friends so he's probably an extrovert. I think he knew that I'm a socially scared introverted peson. I even told him that I have depression but he still played mind games with me. He's probably a sociopath.

I met a guy online later and he was the one I lost my virginity to. But we are living in two different countries so it's a long distance relationship but I'm still worrying over the relationship that was ended.My mind is constantly torturing me by thinking about him.

I'm so sorry. I'd be devastated too. My relationship is in serious trouble, and if I can't fix it, I'm going to hurt for a LONG time. 10 years is a long time to be in a relationship. I can't imagine wanting another relationship for at least 5 years if it failed, and the depression would be long lived and intolerable. I'd probably catch the bus eventually. Would have very little reason to stay. And you don't need a long, real life relationship to get this attached to someone either. As soon as someone brings hope and meaning to your life that you didn't have, boom. The attachment is there. The pain of separation is very real, whatever the circumstances. I'm so sorry for you

Don't label yourself a loser, it's not fair on yourself. Only people with extremely limited life experience call others losers. You're a valid, valued, valuable human being. Period. If he thought you're a "loser", then he's a "fucking moron". You have great worth. You just need to find the right person who gets you and maybe has been there themselves. It helps an awful lot. I look down on people who call others losers completely. They're not worth my time. They have no respect, so I have no respect for them. They're basically clueless bullies in my eyes.

Fuck him. Move on Hun. Find someone worth your time, energy and love

I'm so sorry to hear about the relationship problem that you are going through. Hope it all solves well I met a guy after the relationship with the doctor ended but I still can't stop thinking about him. I hate my mind. It's constantly torturing me with past memories and regret of lost opportunities.

He didn't call me a loser but I wonder if he thought about me like that because he has a successful career and has high status in society while I have none of that. He's probably a narcissistic sociopath because he didn't care about my feelings when he abandoned me like that. He also knew that I have depression. It was very cruel for him to play games with my feelings. He's a monster. Hope that someday karma will punish him.

Sending love and hugs to you

I can relate because I also was a hermit, a hikikomori even, and I had an online relationship that lasted for a very long time. Unfortunately, long distance online relationships are doomed to fail 99% of the time. A relationship takes intimacy and real contact. If it's online-only, it is fake and incomplete, and one of the two will for sure move on as soon as something real happens. I never said to my online girlfriend, at the time, to not pursue real relationships, because I was very aware that it could not last with me, living 1000 kilometers apart. She eventually found a guy and even though it hurt like hell I gave her advice to make it work and we eventually moved apart. I was devastated for a long time and it's the first time I really had real suicidal thoughts.

All I can say to you, having felt this kind of pain before for the same reason as you, is to realize that it was never a real relationship. He was never your boyfriend.
You need to realize and internalise this, because it's 100% the objective truth.
You need to accept it and move on.
The fact he did not even make an effort to help you move on after he found another girl shows he probably didn't really love you and just toyed with you. Sorry for being so blunt but I myself kept messaging her and helped her every time she had issues despite the fact she got a bf, she also kept messaging me when I was depressed, that's because we truly loved each other and it didn't work out just because of the distance. It seems to me he did not love you.

And one last thing. You mention he's 10 years older than you. This means you probably met when you were underage. Consider he might have been some kind of predator or either way a very immature and insecure adult. You said that you met him secretly so that raised me a few red flags and I thought you were underage, but you said his wife is younger than you so I take that back. Either way if you were underage at the time, that's another reason to move on from this guy.

Finally, reporting his cheating to his wife would feel good but I think it will hurt his family more than it would hurt him: I'm not sure it's worth it but personally I wouldn't do it.

That being said, I really do hope you can move on from this. I assure you that it is immensely painful but you can do it.

I'm sorry to hear that you went through a similar experience. It's true that the very long distance is a problem for a relationship. As hermits, we feel like they are the world to us but they meet many people in person so it's only a matter of time until they meet someone they like. I wish I never even met him online. He was the one who made the first move. He should not have given me false hopes if he didn't have any real intention to stay with me.I hate it when people change out of blue. Actually I wasn't underage when I met him online. I was about 23 years old. Now I'm 28.He lied to me about his age but I found out that his younger brother was born in 1985 so he should be at least close to 40 years old now. His wife is about 26 now.

Yes I think telling about his cheating behavior to his wife would not solve any problem. She would stay married to him no matter what since they share a newborn kid now. She monitors all his social media accounts so I doubt if it was really his wife who blocked me from his social media account.