Anyone else adopted?

[GoodPersonEffed]

Okay with it?

Not okay with it?

Find either biological parent?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

No? Nobody? Or just don't wanna talk about it?

That's cool. I'll just sit here and be the lonely only... (a little only child humor.)

 

[Sinai Silence]

I'm not, but my mum is. She was never interested in finding her biological parents. As far as she is concerned my grandparents are her true blood relation. My grandparents are great and gave her a good upbringing.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Not adopted and perhaps going slightly off topic, but I always preferred the idea of adopting kids over having biological ones. Don't think I want kids or will stick around long enough for that lol but there's so many kids that need good homes that it feels selfish to create more.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Not adopted and perhaps going slightly off topic, but I always preferred the idea of adopting kids over having biological ones. Don't think I want kids or will stick around long enough for that lol but there's so many kids that need good homes that it feels selfish to create more.

Would you go for a child of your own race and nationality, or other?

Would you go for a baby or older?

What would you do if the child never bonded with you as a parent?

What would you do if the child resented being adopted?

 

[Life_and_Death]

i have a stepdad, i was suppose to be aborted, adopted out, the government was suppose to take me. i would have taken any of those options. but instead my grandfather kept me, my mother ran off with me met a douche of a dude and then once they were done with me my biodad decided to message me then not give a fuck about me.......yeah this family thing really isnt for me.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Find either biological parent?

Did you find them or try to find them?

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Would you go for a child of your own race and nationality, or other?

Would you go for a baby or older?

What would you do if the child never bonded with you as a parent?

What would you do if the child resented being adopted?

It wouldn't matter what race/nationality. Probably older but I'm answering as someone who has never been in the same room as a baby let alone held one. If I make the choice to take on the responsibility of being a parent then I would still do my best to take care of them and do right by them if I can. And I'm not sure what to do if they resented being adopted. I wouldn't want to give them up for them to be put back in the care system.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Did you find them or try to find them?

Yes. I found my biological mother when I was 25, we had a relationship for 15 years. Also got to somewhat know the rest of the family, including my half-brother and half-sister.

I tracked down who she thought was my biological father but he acted like he didn't remember my biological mother and he was inappropriate/creepy. There was one other possibility, but I was never able to find him.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Growing up, I used to think I was adopted because I didn't feel like I was anything like either of my parents. Now though as an adult I can see how me and both of my sisters have inherited so many traits both physical and mental from them. I occasionally wish I was adopted though because some of the traits I did inherit from my parents were the worst ones though maybe that's just me taking that for granted.

I also knew a friend of a friend who was adopted. She was one of those "rejected female babies from China" whose biological parents either already had a child or wanted a son instead during the One-Child only policy. Her adopted parents were white so there was no need to hide that she was adopted. From what I remember, she seemed to have gotten along well with them and she had no interest in ever finding the biological parents who supposedly abandoned her.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Growing up, I used to think I was adopted because I didn't feel like I was anything like either of my parents. Now though as an adult I can see how me and both of my sisters have inherited so many traits both physical and mental from them. I occasionally wish I was adopted though because some of the traits I did inherit from my parents were the worst ones though maybe that's just me taking that for granted.

I also knew a friend of a friend who was adopted. She was one of those "rejected female babies from China" whose biological parents either already had a child or wanted a son instead during the One-Child only policy. Her adopted parents were white so there was no need to hide that she was adopted. From what I remember, she seemed to have gotten along well with them and she had no interest in ever finding the biological parents who supposedly abandoned her.

Man it was so fucked up for so many girls to be abandoned or killed because of a sexist culture where boys are preferred. I'm Chinese but I'm glad I didn't grow up in an environment where I was looked upon as not being good enough because I'm not a boy.

 

[overcomingfear]

Why do people want to find bio parents? These people gave u up and don't want u, what's the point?

 

[Life_and_Death]

Why do people want to find bio parents? These people gave u up and don't want u, what's the point?

because you hope they can fill the hole in your heart they left there in the first place.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Why do people want to find bio parents? These people gave u up and don't want u, what's the point?

Ultimately I agree but not everyone was abandoned for selfish reasons. Maybe their original parents just died? Or maybe in some cases the adopted parents actually stole the child! Sometimes people might want to know where they come from just out of curiosity. It could also be useful to know if there's any family history of potential diseases too.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Why do people want to find bio parents? These people gave u up and don't want u, what's the point?

My biological mother wanted me. She was in her late teens and was emotionally blackmailed by her stepmother and her father to give me up for adoption. She actually tried to keep me, she moved in with her mother who was unstable, then married a guy she'd known for years who was just out of Vietnam and was violent, so she had no choice but to return to her father and his wife, the latter of which manipulated her into giving me up for my own good, but she would have had no support if she'd kept me.

Also, I assume you're not adopted and so don't have any questions about your identity. You know exactly where you came from. I've always known I was adopted. I don't look like my parents. My mother was very controlling and abusive, my father didn't protect me and enabled her, and I had a fantasy that my biological mother loved me and wanted me, and it turned out to be true. My parents did love me, but the home was often volatile, and they never accepted me just as I was, and still don't. Maybe if they had, I wouldn't have had a desire to find my biological mother. I had a boyfriend who was adopted and had such a wonderful family, he never had any desire to find his biological mother.

I was not raised by my biological mother, so she wasn't technically my mother, and her family culture was totally different than my family culture. I also wasn't seeking a mother, I already had one. I wanted my what-ifs answered, I wanted to know myself, I wanted to know where I came from. I got all that answered. She had always hoped I'd find her, but she hadn't told my half-siblings about me, so it was a really difficult shock for them, but strange things also finally made sense. She wanted a second chance at being my mother and could be really pushy about it, like wanting me to move in with her, knowing my mother was who I identified as my mother, and knowing she'd always been defensive about me finding my biological mother and how I had to walk a tightrope having both relationships. She had a lot of boundary issues, she's very manipulative and thinks it's for others' good, and she's scary passive-aggresive, and after 15 years I couldn't take it anymore and went no contact. Months later, I became estranged from my parents as well because I asked them to take some financial responsibility for the effects of being abused growing up, so I have neither family now. But the biological family was never really my family, it was too late for that. Shared history, to me, is what makes a family, at least that's been my experience.

 

[overcomingfear]

My biological mother wanted me. She was in her late teens and was emotionally blackmailed by her stepmother and her father to give me up for adoption. She actually tried to keep me, she moved in with her mother who was unstable, then married a guy she'd known for years who was just out of Vietnam and was violent, so she had no choice but to return to her father and his wife, the latter of which manipulated her into giving me up for my own good, but she would have had no support if she'd kept me.

Also, I assume you're not adopted and so don't have any questions about your identity. You know exactly where you came from. I've always known I was adopted. I don't look like my parents. My mother was very controlling and abusive, my father didn't protect me and enabled her, and I had a fantasy that my biological mother loved me and wanted me, and it turned out to be true. My parents did love me, but the home was often volatile, and they never accepted me just as I was, and still don't. Maybe if they had, I wouldn't have had a desire to find my biological mother. I had a boyfriend who was adopted and had such a wonderful family, he never had any desire to find his biological mother.

I was not raised by my biological mother, so she wasn't technically my mother, and her family culture was totally different than my family culture. I also wasn't seeking a mother, I already had one. I wanted my what-ifs answered, I wanted to know myself, I wanted to know where I came from. I got all that answered. She had always hoped I'd find her, but she hadn't told my half-siblings about me, so it was a really difficult shock for them, but strange things also finally made sense. She wanted a second chance at being my mother and could be really pushy about it, like wanting me to move in with her, knowing my mother was who I identified as my mother, and knowing she'd always been defensive about me finding my biological mother and how I had to walk a tightrope having both relationships. She had a lot of boundary issues, she's very manipulative and thinks it's for others' good, and she's scary passive-aggresive, and after 15 years I couldn't take it anymore and went no contact. Months later, I became estranged from my parents as well because I asked them to take some financial responsibility for the effects of being abused growing up, so I have neither family now. But the biological family was never really my family, it was too late for that. Shared history, to me, is what makes a family, at least that's been my experience.

Both ur mothers are pushy in the end and ur relationships are over. Maybe i don't get it cuz im not adopted

 

[cazwiz]

I'm adopted, after a social services intervention. Neither parent had the mental capacity to raise a child and my grandparents were too selfish to take me on. I got raised in a strict Christian family where the concept of guilt and original sin gave me no hope of a nurturing upbringing when you already know you weren't considered good enough at birth. I'm a prime example of someone who should have been aborted. My existence has brought too much misery.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm adopted, after a social services intervention. Neither parent had the mental capacity to raise a child and my grandparents were too selfish to take me on. I got raised in a strict Christian family where the concept of guilt and original sin gave me no hope of a nurturing upbringing when you already know you weren't considered good enough at birth. I'm a prime example of someone who should have been aborted. My existence has brought too much misery.

Wow. I hope you don't mind my asking, and of course no expectation of you to answer...how old where you when social services intervened? And how long did it take for you to be placed with the new family, and then adopted? Did you lose all contact with your biological family?

I'm sorry you went from an unstable shit family to an unnurturing shit family.

 

[cazwiz]

Wow. I hope you don't mind my asking, and of course no expectation of you to answer...how old where you when social services intervened? And how long did it take for you to be placed with the new family, and then adopted? Did you lose all contact with your biological family?

I'm sorry you went from an unstable shit family to an unnurturing shit family.

hello, social services intervened and got a court order before I was born. I was taken into care at birth. My parents were given parenting lessons but couldn't/ wouldn't manage and there were accusations of violence. I was in foster care until 18months when I went to live with my family. They couldn't adopt me until 3 years later because my case was so fucked up. And I'm told I should be grateful. FFS yeah totally grateful for being born when I should have been terminated, for being taken from my family, for being rejected by my grandparents and for being raised in a home where every Sunday I get told I'm a sinner and not worthy. So grateful for being set up for not being able to cope with life. I should never have happened.

 

[overcomingfear]

hello, social services intervened and got a court order before I was born. I was taken into care at birth. My parents were given parenting lessons but couldn't/ wouldn't manage and there were accusations of violence. I was in foster care until 18months when I went to live with my family. They couldn't adopt me until 3 years later because my case was so fucked up. And I'm told I should be grateful. FFS yeah totally grateful for being born when I should have been terminated, for being taken from my family, for being rejected by my grandparents and for being raised in a home where every Sunday I get told I'm a sinner and not worthy. So grateful for being set up for not being able to cope with life. I should never have happened.

That sucks so much, I'm sorry

 

[Deleted member 19654]

I'm sorry you've had such a shitty family life.
I've always had a pro-choice stance when it comes to abortion. People on the pro-life side will argue that all life is precious, we need to protect our babies etc. They do more to fight for an unborn child than to ensure that existing children have access to good education, healthcare and good homes etc. That's not me suggesting people should have been aborted because they're worthless and don't deserve to live, but it's kinder to not let them suffer from a shit life.

If people want reduce the number of abortions then they should start with better sex education in schools and access to family planning/contraception etc.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

And I'm told I should be grateful.

What a load of bullshit. They didn't do it for you, they did it for themselves, to pump up their egos. The ultimate virtue signaling! "Look at all we sacrificed to rescue you when you had no choice, no agency, and no cognitive capacity to know what was going on! Be grateful! And by the way, you're in ingrate and a sinner. You're welcome!" [Ceiling opens up, ray of light comes down to illuminate their halos, angels sing, and demons drag you down to hell.]

Kind of related, I was often told that my parents held out for a newborn white baby girl when they could have much more easily gotten a boy, a child of a different race, an older child, or an open adoption. My mom always said they picked me out special, and I used to believe that bullshit. And of course going through an adoption agency was expensive. But it wasn't about me at all, was it? It was about fulfilling an order. From before I can remember to the age of 17, I was beaten to become submissive and be like them, and it didn't take. I sincerely and quite rationally feel like my mom has for decades viewed me as a bad investment. She never wanted me to find my biological mother, and when a law was passed to allow a confidential intermediary to open the sealed adoption records, find the other party, and see if they wanted an exchange of health information or a reunion, my biological mother wanted a reunion, and when I told my mother, she lost her shit. She always demonstrated she felt threatened by and hated my bio mother, even though she never met her and knew almost nothing about her. She's always made it clear that I was "hers," not as a child but as what she had a right to and owned. Geez, it's no wonder she remained so intrusive and controlling throughout my adulthood -- what right have I ever had to my life? It was hers!

When I worked in community mental health, we had a young adult with schizophrenia who was adopted, and their mother was super controlling and intrusive about their treatment. I held an admin position, not clinical, but knew all of the people involved in their treatment, who would vent because of the mother's constant intrusion and attempts to control. On the phone one day, the mother complained to me, really resentful, about the client's being adopted and how no one in her family had had schizophrenia, and I thought, "Bad investment."

 

[overcomingfear]

They do more to fight for an unborn child than to ensure that existing children have access to good education, healthcare and good homes etc

Yes, it's sadistic, they want children to suffer. I see no other point to be against abortion

 

[Soul]

My sister and I were adopted after being orphaned, so there was no one to go looking for. It was my mother's mother and step-father who adopted us. Abusive drunks. So it goes.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

They do more to fight for an unborn child than to ensure that existing children have access to good education, healthcare and good homes etc.

Unfortunately, people can look good on paper and have stellar reputations, and it's impossible to know what they'll actually be like as parents. Perhaps there are more screening measures now, such as beliefs about corporal punishment, I don't know. A few Stoic philosophers have said that it's easy to play a part on the stage, but people tend to hide what goes on in their homes behind closed doors and what is really in their hearts, and that they use walls to hide them rather than to keep them safe. My parents play the part on stage and always have. They looked great on paper to the adoption agency, just as stable as they could be, and they still appear that way now to others. The ugly truth is that one was violent toward me, the other enabled, and they used/twisted Christian beliefs to justify all of it. They don't want anyone to know, I was threatened to not tell (much of a clue there, Mom?), and since expelling me from the family years ago, they tell others we still have a relationship, I'm sure they have great excuses for why they never have new photos and I never come visit. I'm probably a missionary, or something to make them look good and to be proud of. They preach morality, but they don't make the effort to walk it. They're OVS -- original virtue sigalers. The ultimate irony is how many times I was beaten for lying to protect myself from them.