Hate to bump this, but I meant to reply a long while back. I'm absolutely a mistake and it's been a strong part of why I want to end my life. My mother got pregnant with me accidentally from my father before they knew each other that well. Both of their families were quite religious and having a baby out of wedlock was unthinkable, so they pressured them into getting married.
When I was a baby my mom landed her dream job as an apprentice to a professional she really looked up to. Then my dad decided to "get his life together" and joined the Marines, got stationed on some base out in the middle of the desert, and insisted on my mom and I living with him there. So my mom had to give up her dream career literally right after achieving it to go be a stay at home mom in the desert. And it just goes from there.
She's tried to love me, but you can tell how hurt she is deep down by how things played out. She'll go into the garage to talk on the phone with friends where she thinks no one can hear her, and has sometimes broken down sobbing after wishing things had turned out differently and that she had never met my dad, that I hadn't been born, that she should have gotten a divorce, all that.
And my dad is worse. He wanted me to grow up to be a big tall muscular dude who played sports and got a factory job like him, instead of a scrawny short geeky kid I turned out to be. Even in my 20's now he still buys me shirts in size large or XL because he still clings to the hope that I'll "grow into them" one day, and regularly tells me how much of a disappointment I am along with passive aggressive text messages every once in a while. And that's when he's sober. Plus, I've overheard them talking to my aunts and uncles saying that they hope my younger siblings have kids early so they can have grandchildren, because "who would want to marry" me. They've already given up on me finding anyone and admit that I'm repulsive and unwanted to our family's faces.
Unlike a lot of people who feel they're disappointments to their parents and family who infer how they feel based on how their family acts, I have concrete evidence of how much of an unwanted mistake I am thrown in my face every day. Hell, the other day I found out that my extended family has a bunch of group chats that they're part of to stay in touch that have been around for years, yet I've never been part of one. And when my mom was showing me some pictures that they were sharing in the chat, I caught a glimpse of one of my aunts making jokes about me and calling me a loser.
Yeah, mistake is putting it lightly. I never asked to be here. Hopefully by exiting on my own terms I can make the world a brighter place in some miniscule way.
