It's good your Mom is your friend. I guess when she dies you will ctb. Otherwise how do you do stuff like get groceries.
Yes, I imagine that I will. To tell you the truth though, I could probably manage my immediate survival without her, since I could always order my groceries online and have them shipped to my door. I'm on disability assistance because of my mental problems and our house is also paid off, so my expenses will be fairly minimal and I'll always have a bit of money coming in to allow me to afford the basic necessities. Without her around to keep me company however, this may itself be agonizing enough to push me to finally kill myself. I'd ideally like to shoot myself in the head, but given how impossible it would be for me to get a gun, I'll probably either let my head get crushed by a train, or toss myself from the nearest bridge into the bay water down below, since I don't know how to swim. I know drugs like SN would be more painless and less inconvenient, but I both hate and have a phobia for all drugs. I'd honestly rather slit my throat and drown in my own blood.
This is far too relatable, aside from the fact that I don't really suffer with loneliness anymore. There must be something wrong with me to not feel a need for human interaction, but I see it as a blessing.
Interestingly enough, I had the opposite experience. For many years, I thought myself immune to loneliness until one day it started to ravage me out of the blue. I used to feel that I could live on Mars or the Moon totally by myself and not be the least bit bothered by it. Then, about 5 years ago, I started to feel noticeably lonely. I've struggled with depression all my life, but these sensations of loneliness were a new experience for me. I'm not really sure what that means exactly. Whether this is just my new normal, or I'll go back to feeling indifferent at some point later on in the future. I'm not sure how old or young you are, but I'm personally on the cusp of turning 30. Assuming you're in your early 20s, hopefully you'll never experience a similar turn of feelings as you get older.
For me, it just sort of happened without anything really warranting it. I just woke up and slowly, day by day, I became lonelier and lonelier. Also keep in mind that I have no internet friends and no one who knows or cares about my existence beyond my mother and brother. I'm also a kissless, hugless virgin, which I think probably plays a subconscious role in my feelings of loneliness as well. I'd like for someone to love me, but I know that's not possible. People can only do each other harm, so it's better for me to stay alone, even if I'm lonely. Even if someone were ever interested in me in that way, it would end badly and we'd both only bitterly regret ever meeting each other in the first place. For better or worse, I was born to suffer the long night of solitude. There's nothing else and, what's more, there never was. I was destined to lay broken and alone in my own life forevermore.
Wishing you luck with getting out of this somehow. Or at least getting through it as painlessly as possible.
I wish that were possible, but it simply isn't. Nothing works for me anymore and I can barely ever get an escape from myself these days. Some people are just born to crash against the rocks of their own life and lay there in agony until the buzzards of entropy pick them clean and release them from their torment.
Enjoy your solitude. Use it to read books, to exercise, play a video game, listen to your favorite music, or enjoy the silence without being inundated with the noise of a moribund civilization.
I wish I could, but I can't. None of these things give me any stimulation or provide any escape from myself anymore. I won't disagree with you however, that we live on a planet of grotesque and unenlightened apes. There's nothing to be gained from associating with any of it. I fully realize that I enjoy the rare privilege to withdraw from the madness and noise of this twisted society of ours. A lot of people, both here and elsewhere, don't have this option. They're forced to suffer the taunts and miseries brought on from needing to venture out into this rotten world, so as to secure their immediate survival. Regardless of how I feel, this is still the least worst way to live. As you said, the world is a meat grinder that chews up anyone and everyone who isn't already some kind of manipulative devil on a wretched quest to use and abuse as many others as possible for their own self-enrichment.
Sadly though, recognizing how bad and irredeemable the world is, doesn't make my own predicament any easier to endure. One's bad and so is the other, just in different ways. I suppose, when it comes right down to it, I just want someone who will love me, but even desiring something like this is tantamount to fantasy. Love doesn't exist, it's just a made-up notion by people to facilitate and justify their own deeply imperfect relationships. I know the truth to this and my eyes are open to how awful most everything else is, but I'm still a weak and lonely human being. Another flawed monkey, borne of a species of other flawed, not to mention infinitely barbaric, monkeys.
I wish I were more of a schizoid, since I feel hardcore schizoids are really the only ones who can permanently avoid feelings of loneliness and, who knows, maybe even feelings of anhedonia as well. It's a shame that I'll never be one, since it's the sort of thing you were either born with, or you weren't.
I'd love to have a friend like you since I agree with all of that.
That's nice of you to say. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to make or maintain friendships, since nearly a decade and a half of isolation has made me significantly socially retarded. Although, truth be told, I've really been that way all my life. People would try and befriend me when I was in early grade school, but I'd always turn them down because I was too anxious and socially retarded to know how to talk to them. I didn't mind being around my brother's friends because I could just sort of hide in his shadow and remain unnoticed while I played his friend's video games, or did my own other thing.
