Anyone constantly postponing the inevitable?

[death137]

I know I don't belong in this life. I'm miserable. I can't even look at my family face without feeling great shame. I know the only solution is death. But here I'm blabbering instead of being brave aka ctb. I seriously tried to suicide in the past 5 years but for the most part I've been lazy. But why? Because I'm afraid of my method (hanging or cutting) and distracted by few small pathetic things. If I was dead early not only I would have saved myself from lots of suffering but also save lots of money and efforts invested on me to try to fix my unfixable life. This is truly hell.

 

[ecmnesia]

why not consider another method?

 

[_Minsk]

I feel exactly the same, this life is hell. sending hugs

 

[KleinerWolf]

not anymore, now that it's coming towards me...

 

[Spitfire]

I know I don't belong in this life. I'm miserable. I can't even look at my family face without feeling great shame. I know the only solution is death. But here I'm blabbering instead of being brave aka ctb. I seriously tried to suicide in the past 5 years but for the most part I've been lazy. But why? Because I'm afraid of my method (hanging or cutting) and distracted by few small pathetic things. If I was dead early not only I would have saved myself from lots of suffering but also save lots of money and efforts invested on me to try to fix my unfixable life. This is truly hell.

For sure... I know I am postponing the inevitable, but I am okay with that for myself at the moment.

I hope you can become less miserable and feel less ashamed about whatever makes you feel those ways somehow?

 

[death137]

why not consider another method?

Its difficult in my country to access other reliable methods like gun, N, SN. I can jump but the structures I can easily access in my city aren't very high. I can do the train method but its very scary. Overall hanging is the best option I've so I need to find the courage to kick the stool and end the pain.

 

[KleinerWolf]

Its difficult in my country to access other reliable methods like gun, N, SN. I can jump but the structures I can easily access in my city aren't very high. I can do the train method but its very scary. Overall hanging is the best option I've so I need to find the courage to kick the stool and end the pain.

SN cannot come through?

 

[death137]

SN cannot come through?

When I googled I found a site about SN suppliers and distributors in my country. It seems online shopping but I don't know how to do it. One dear friend here offered to send me a method. If I don't suicide by weekend then I will try to send her money via bank or postal so she can buy me either N or SN. If its sent I don't know if I can successfully/easily get it or not but I will found out if I come to that stage.

 

[KleinerWolf]

When I googled I found a site about SN suppliers and distributors in my country. It seems online shopping but I don't know how to do it. One dear friend here offered to send me a method. If I don't suicide by weekend then I will try to send her money via bank or postal so she can buy me either N or SN. If its sent I don't know if I can successfully/easily get it or not but I will found out if I come to that stage.

in all seriousness I would hope that no one has to die/resort to suicide.
because it doesn't feel like the best option in life if I'm being honest.

things are just kinda bad sometimes but I know how you feel and can certainly relate to you.

I'm sorry to hear you are not feeling so good in life.

But would you care to elaborate how you mean when u said "I can't even look at my family face without feeling great shame"?

 

[_Kaira_]

I'm not intentionally postponing it. I kinda want to CTB via SN. But unfortunately, can't afford it right now. Actually can't afford any method that isn't extremely painful anyway. So until I can, I'll keep going through the same daily BS, at least until I snap and do something risky again...

 

[death137]

in all seriousness I would hope that no one has to die/resort to suicide.
because it doesn't feel like the best option in life if I'm being honest.

things are just kinda bad sometimes but I know how you feel and can certainly relate to you.

I'm sorry to hear you are not feeling so good in life.

But would you care to elaborate how you mean when u said "I can't even look at my family face without feeling great shame"?

Thank you friend for the words.

Suicide is sad, scary and for the most part violent but life is more sad and painful so some end it.

About your question I feel shame because of what happened in the past 5 years. Although I was already an adult 5 years ago I was very innocent and didn't know about the many unpleasant truths of the world. So when I started to find more about them I became unmotivated and started to show a great decline in my life. I became miserable. I live with my family and I mostly stay at home doing nothing but sleep, watch tv and other unproductive things so I feel great shame they have to witness this.

 

[Rn110bg101]

Very honestly, aside from delaying it because my mom has yet to leave the house for more than 10 minutes, I'm delaying it because it's scary to me. I know there's no choice and that it'll be the best end, no lifelong suffering, but SI is a real thing, you know?

 

[dropdeadfred]

But here I'm blabbering instead of being brave aka ctb.

But you are brave, love... living in hell is just as much brave as taking your own life.

 

[Life sucks]

I keep postponing because I try to enjoy before ctb. But honestly I don't know when. Should I ctb now? Yes/No, isn't easy to answer specially with no peaceful method

 

[catscradle]

yes. I told myself I would at the end of September, now I'm thinking January, but I know I'll postpone that. survival instinct is strange

 

[Silvermorning]

But you are brave, love... living in hell is just as much brave as taking your own life.

So beautifully put in words. And agreed.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Convincing yourself to take that final step is much harder than pretty much anyone realizes. We can all talk a big game, but it takes an extra push to get us over the proverbial edge. For me anyway, I feel like I have to get to the point where I literally have nothing left to lose. I'm inching there, so I feel like I may be ready soon. It's frustrating though. I felt hopeless when I first attempted six months ago. My situation hasn't changed, and in fact, I just feel worse with every passing day. It would've been much better if I had just ended it then. In fact, it would've been much better if I had just ended it back in July 2019 when I knew my life was going to shit.