I was diagnosed with cyclothymia a few years ago (my father has bipolar I, I'm very familiar with mania. Btw, the cyclothymia diagnosis is absurd as I've had multiple major depressive episodes since I was 10, presence of mania aside). But technically I am considered on the spectrum. Now that my more immediate bpd mood swings are less prevalent, the manic/depressive trend over time is really obvious to me. I take quetiapine, I lowered my dose as it was making me too sleepy in the day, but the dose I take is definitely not enough, even with my medication sensitivity. I've taken most anticonvulsants (for epilepsy..) and had severe side effects due to that sensitivity.
Mania: Paranoia about spending money blew up into a transient shopping addiction. I have literally shopped until I dropped. I was also hypersexual and into riskier stuff; I experience a high amount of sex repulsion and have a low to nil sex drive most of the time, so the change was remarkable. Total loss of inhibition combined with risk seeking.
I was also a bit delusional and accordingly having constant epiphanies. I was just thinking so fast and the smallest things were blowing my mind, and occasionally I got the idea I'd made major breakthroughs in philosophy. Once as a teenager I'd started writing out the preamble for a long tract questioning the existence of reason and was able to read it later, and I realised it was mostly overblown, grandiose writing. Now this can happen to a non-manic person but I'd cracked and started telling everyone I'd blown epistemology wide open
I had pretty much no ability to control my urges to do random things. I was obsessing constantly about things I had to do or could do to the point I sometimes couldn't actually work on anything from the agitation, and my thoughts were racing. Also, constant euphoria, a weightless sensation of floating from idea to idea (and urge to urge); I had this sense of being unshackled and very elevated, almost like my vision was expanding to take in everything at once (kind of like the view you get from the top of a hill). Physically, I was sleeping a lot less and felt totally fine.
Hypomania: Agitated, very task-driven, constantly thinking about getting to the next thing, only feel good if I'm working on something (ideally that has output). Sleeping a lot less but not as markedly as when I was manic. According to my partner I often start to talk very grandly and my thoughts progress rapidly / in a way that's difficult to follow. Except for creative moments or epiphanies, I feel more irritable than anything else. Only drive and agitation. It's harder for me to tell without those moments because there's a sort of oscillation between feeling productive and feeling like I'm being brutalised by my own clockwork.
Since I started taking quetiapine, I have noticed that the range of this contrast is a lot lower. I wonder if it is also what is making hypomania a purely irritable state lately as well. I also have a marked seasonal pattern, as does my father - warmer weather seems to promote mania and irritability in a lot of people with seasonal patterns.
I think sometimes I am neither hypo/manic nor depressed, but it is rare and hard to tell as the only time there is no stress and still structure is summer, which typically messes with my mood a lot. I always seem to be coping with the fallout of my episodes only to be sliding into another one, so I have no real sense of permanence.
It seems you are seeking treatment from the context of this thread? I hope you can find something that works for you and alleviates some of the issues that drove you to look for a diagnosis. Or maybe you were just looking for an explanation of why you might be the way you are?
