Discussion Anybody here "relapse?" Seen the glorious light!...and then come back over to the comfortable darkness?

[LuzurPhagget]

That's the best way I can put it (sorry if it offends those with substance abuse issues).

Anyway, this is kinda awkward as fuck lol. But yeah, the past couple of days, I've really been a fucking slob. Jesus, I've pretty much barricaded myself in this tiny little room and just pretty much done nothing! Just laid down watching an endless stream of youtube vides (mostly movie-related), barely had any fulfilling meals (unless you include eating hot sauce on crackers) and just done nothing productive! Just didn't feel like it. Writing this write now is probably the most I've been positioned upright the past couple of days! Christ Almighty! And the goddamn virus doesn't help, but still, I shouldn't let myself go to THIS.

I'm not gonna blame myself/shame myself (been watching videos on the new resident evil game! Wow!), but still, it just sucks I have to sink to THAT level. It pisses me off that even after ALL this time, I can still sink back to THAT. Motherfuck. I think I used to do crap like this 10 years ago, when I was a younger lad. Embarrassing.

Anyway, I'm not entirely sure if I should post this in this forum or the recovery, but I just wanted to be frank. I don't think people like me will ever fully be rid of suicidal thoughts and it'd be stupid to think I can; It will ALWAYS be there. That's fine I guess. I'll try to go as long as I can. I still don't really hate life (well not anymore than I hate myself sometimes) and still have faith that we/humanity are more or less on the right path (I don't think this virus will be the end of civilization etc) and we'll find our way. If my stupid ass can't figure it out in this lifetime, I'm sure my soul will in the next couple of lives. I like to think of that superman quote, referring to humanity: "They'll stumble and fall and curse...and finally, they will join you in the sun, Kal-El."

Anyway, sorry, I've rambled. Any other relapsers in da house?

 

[muffin222]

Story of my life

The suicidal thoughts seem to return no matter how happy or renewed I feel; I'm guessing they won't ever fully vanish

 

[whereispeace]

Yeah, there was a point in time when I thought I was out of the woods. But before I knew it, everything went to shit again. Now I'm as bad as ever, and don't think I have it in me to bounce back again. I think about CTB constantly. I was just staring at my bottle of SN earlier.

 

[rebelsue]

Yeah i definitely have had many times in my life when I really believed i'd get better. Right now I am just doing what the therapy and medical team are telling me to do since I guess I need to give some of this stuff a fair shake one more time before giving up. My depression has always been cyclical where I'd have good days between but back in October I completely crashed and I haven't been able to pick myself up since. It's really really scary. I feel like I lost myself somewhere. I think in the end I will end up ctb...i'm kinda ready for both in a way.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

Story of my life

The suicidal thoughts seem to return no matter how happy or renewed I feel; I'm guessing they won't ever fully vanish

I'm sorry to hear. Especially from an avatar as happy-looking as yours. I'm starting to realize now that suicide shouldn't really be any different from any other causes of death; death is death. Just try to get as much enjoyment out of this life as you can, while you can.

 

[Pryras]

Preach, this is my life in a nutshell. It's in the back of mine or the forefront but never not there...somewhere. I was on vacation with my family last year, in the "happiest place on earth" and I was still experiencing these thoughts. I have sudden moments of giving life a try and then....

 

[LuzurPhagget]

Yeah, there was a point in time when I thought I was out of the woods. But before I knew it, everything went to shit again. Now I'm as bad as ever, and don't think I have it in me to bounce back again. I think about CTB constantly. I was just staring at my bottle of SN earlier.

Oh damn. Sorry to hear. Why do you think you can't bounce back? And lol, I actually bought some SN not too recently myself. What a life!

 

[Aman Sharma]

It happened to me yesterday. I was productive for a week until yesterday. I was feeling like a piece of shit. I wanted to be alone inside my blanket all day.
Being positive seems like a hell of an effort for me. Being negative, well I've always been like that. Like joker, all I've are negative thoughts. I'm sure that my suicidal thoughts are never going to leave me. They have become part of me now.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

Preach, this is my life in a nutshell. It's in the back of mine or the forefront but never not there...somewhere. I was on vacation with my family last year, in the "happiest place on earth" and I was still experiencing these thoughts. I have sudden moments of giving life a try and then....

Disneyland???

 

[faust]

I gave myself one more chance once and it was great for a while.
But mental illness is when you are constantly sitting on a barrel full of gunpowder.
You should be ready for everything, otherwise the fall won't be soft.
Now I am just hitting the bottom.

 

[Pryras]

Disneyland???

Yep lol with family My favourite people

 

[whereispeace]

Oh damn. Sorry to hear. Why do you think you can't bounce back? And lol, I actually bought some SN not too recently myself. What a life!

I'm just weak, and have zero faith in myself. Even when I was "good," I really wasn't...it was only good by my standards. And I don't have the motivation to get back there again. My spirit is too broken.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

Yep lol with family My favourite people

They actually have some cool shit over there! Ugh, but I was dragged there one time when I was WAY too old to be there! Or at least I didn't have a younger sibling to make myself feel less of a weirdo! But it's nice if you have younger siblings and see them have fun/enjoy the place.