I can't put what I've done down to anything else. It makes no sense, I just decided to ruin my life for no good reason and am now living with the consequences
I swear you took the words right out of my mouth!!! I find I relate to many posters here.
I'm in my 30's now, and I've been doing a lot of soul searching...thinking back. I've been having dreams about my childhood days, school days, highschool, elementary school, old house etc, for the last 10+ years. Vivid dreams about people from elementary school who I could care less for in real life, I never think about them in real life. I also have this reoccurring dream or dream world, it's been happening since I left high school. I have dreams about going back to highschool every year, at the age that I am now, and being in grade 11 or 12, with all the kids that are there in the current time. When my little sister was in highschool just a few years ago, I was dreaming that I was at school with her. I was 27, 28, 29, 30, etc still in school, going back every year. Sometimes I'll be back with my highschool peers in real life, sometimes, especially more recently, I'm in highschool with today's generation of highschoolers. It's creepy. I'm the oldest person, and I'm always scared the school is going to find out how old I really am and kick me out. I also have a bunch of new classes and a new semester, and I'll go to classes properly and do well in the beginning (like I used to in real life), but then I realize "I'm never going to finish so why bother" and start skipping classes, I'll be so exhausted and tired and in heroin withdrawal (I'm an addict in real life), I'll be looking for bus fair or a ride home, sometimes I would just walk home because my house is not too far away from school (in the dream, it's my old house/old neighborhood). I'd always be trying to get the hell away from school and just forget about it all. It's a dream that happens almost every night (or day I sleep daytime too), there are variations of it, but it's always the same concept. It's super annoying, obviously it means that a part of me really truly regrets dropping out and ruining my highschool days. It's not that I wanted to, I just wanted to die so badly that I attempted suicide at 14, and after that went in a downward spiral into a life of drugs/alcohol, parties, sex, risky behavior. When I was younger, I wanted so bad to be normal, and good, but everything I did I failed, everything just backfired, no matter what I did, it got ruined. My family life was in turmoil, my sister and my dad were absolutely insane and drove us all insane, I had no chance.
So at 14 I made the life decision that I was going to CTB one day, so to hell with everything, no point finishing school, planning anything, I never ended up getting a license to drive either, barely kept a job, ended up getting addicted to heroin and becoming a prostitute. I would have short periods of "mania" and make plans and try to do something else like my art hobbies, but then I'd fall into a depression again. I doubt I would have been able to finish school in that kind of atmosphere, I'm sure if they had online school back then I could have done that instead. But with my mental problems and learning disabilities, I don't think I am capable of much. I am not salvageable...I have always been broken, now that I look back on it, my entire childhood, I was always a failure and always confused. I just don't belong here, no matter how hard I try or what I do, I never succeed. And yeah, I've always been drawn to risky behavior, I don't know why. I've always wanted a vice, right now it's smoking cigarettes and smoking heroin. I can't be a typical "good" and sober person, like another poster on here said "I don't work as a person, I'm flawed and broken". I'm a burden just taking up resources and time, people make me feel like I'm completely worthless because I can't earn money, it's true though, that's just the society we live in.
