Discussion Any other therapists on this site?

[Paradox_]

Disclaimer: I am a suicidal therapist. I hope that doesn't scare you. I am most likely not YOUR therapist.

Okay, now to my dilemma.

I have struggled with depression and an eating disorder since I was a child. I have thought about suicide as a way out since age 11, and more seriously considered it by age 14. I've been on countless medications, and tried various behavioral and talk therapies. I've been hospitalized numerous times for both depression and anorexia. I have attempted suicide once (hydrogen sulfide, unsuccessful).

I decided to become a therapist because 1. I needed to figure out a career for myself and 2. I'm a decent therapist when I'm not depressed. I am probably decent enough when I am depressed, given that I'm depressed 50% of the time and still have a full caseload in my private practice.

I realize now I am actually trying to tell people why I became a therapist so that I'm not judged harshly for treating patients while depressed. I've been working in the field for nearly ten years and since I started I've felt a need to keep the severity of my depression a secret from others because I worry about their judgement, given my career. Unfortunately, this likely leads to a bad cycle because I feel very alone in my near constant suicidal ideation.

I wonder how other therapists deal with this. I've been thinking more seriously about suicide recently but of course I worry about those I leave behind. Patients, family members, my pets. Mostly depression is pervasive and in my mind no one will actually care because my presence here does more harm than good. But rationally, I can accept this thought MAY be based within the reality of depression, which is in all likelihood a delusional reality.

I bought sodium nitrate a few months ago. That would be my preferred way out.

any other therapists on this site who can relate? I feel so lonely and I keep isolating myself. I really need a community who understands.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm not a therapists but I really enjoyed reading your words.
I'm glad your not one of those "basic therapists" which never help, as many people have said during all this time.

Let's say I'm a teacher but I'm not your average teacher! I can kinda relate lol.

 

[Paradox_]

I'm not a therapists but I really enjoyed reading your words.
I'm glad your not one of those "basic therapists" which never help, as many people have said during all this time.

Let's say I'm a teacher but I'm not your average teacher! I can kinda relate lol.

Thanks, appreciate you and your response. I do think in some ways I can be helpful to my patients in that when they discuss suicide or their wishes to die, I feel that their autonomy is most important. I still try to understand what is motivating the wish but for a person who is perpetually suicidal (and not just reacting to a current stressor), it seems that current regulations on hospitalizing are absurd (in my home country. Not sure about other countries.)

 

[Goodbye710]

I'm sorry about your struggles. You sound very caring and compassionate. There have been a few other therapists on this site in the past but not sure if they are active or not.

 

[Paradox_]

I'm sorry about your struggles. You sound very caring and compassionate. There have been a few other therapists on this site in the past but not sure if they are active or not.

Thanks for letting me know. Rationally I know I must not be the only one but I just wish it were possible to discuss it openly with someone else in the field who feels the same way. I've actually treated therapists in my practice who are suicidal but I can't say "oh you know what, I am too!"

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

A couple posted in my suicide note thread so I'm assuming there are more. I doubt that most would openly admit it as people tend to be highly critical of psychiatry/psychology on here including myself but I don't generalize towards everyone in the profession. You're as welcome to be here as everyone else.

@Miss_Takes is one or use to be one I believe.

 

[Miss_Takes]

I am not currently practising however I had been a therapist for 10yrs also.

I am happy to chat in pm anytime. I understand some of the struggle of sitting in both chairs.

 

[Samsara]

Disclaimer: I am a suicidal therapist. I hope that doesn't scare you. I am most likely not YOUR therapist.

Okay, now to my dilemma.

I have struggled with depression and an eating disorder since I was a child. I have thought about suicide as a way out since age 11, and more seriously considered it by age 14. I've been on countless medications, and tried various behavioral and talk therapies. I've been hospitalized numerous times for both depression and anorexia. I have attempted suicide once (hydrogen sulfide, unsuccessful).

I decided to become a therapist because 1. I needed to figure out a career for myself and 2. I'm a decent therapist when I'm not depressed. I am probably decent enough when I am depressed, given that I'm depressed 50% of the time and still have a full caseload in my private practice.

I realize now I am actually trying to tell people why I became a therapist so that I'm not judged harshly for treating patients while depressed. I've been working in the field for nearly ten years and since I started I've felt a need to keep the severity of my depression a secret from others because I worry about their judgement, given my career. Unfortunately, this likely leads to a bad cycle because I feel very alone in my near constant suicidal ideation.

I wonder how other therapists deal with this. I've been thinking more seriously about suicide recently but of course I worry about those I leave behind. Patients, family members, my pets. Mostly depression is pervasive and in my mind no one will actually care because my presence here does more harm than good. But rationally, I can accept this thought MAY be based within the reality of depression, which is in all likelihood a delusional reality.

I bought sodium nitrate a few months ago. That would be my preferred way out.

any other therapists on this site who can relate? I feel so lonely and I keep isolating myself. I really need a community who understands.

Yes, i am a suicidal therapist. I'm in a very similar boat, please feel free to pm me

 

[kitch]

I can't think of a better person to treat suicidal ideation than a therapist with the same vibe.

It would be awesome for there to be a forum for you guys.
(Either a separate web site with a veiled (seems necessary ?) title ...
or even here - depending on how comfortable you would be with that .)

I've been an arm chair self help junky for years and am fascinated by all things consciousness / emotion / society related .... I would have gone down that road big time if I had lived a different life , been a different person .

I just got 'put down' for that feeling , ..... "it's just WRONG."
That is as a client ! God knows what the reaction is from other therapists.

At work one day over a decade ago , the foreman said he was abit depressed , and I ( depressed my entire life ) faked positivity.
I have regretted that ever since .

I have been up my own arse in isolation and internet research ( ha ha , scrolling more like ) for the past few years ... and have turned up some stuff of use to me ... but I still think it is all an unknown mystery ... and because of that , 'social solidarity' and letting your true self be seen , even if only virtually is VERY important.

Gosh ... I'd typed a bit more but then it disappeared !
I'll take that Jungian hint !

Bless you , secularly , of course , or not ...

 

[sadpenguin]

Hi Paradox,

Thank you for this and welcome! You won't find any community more supportive than this. I am not a therapist, but I don't think you should feel ashamed in the slightest. I know therapists (close friends) that feel similar to you. It can make for the best listeners and most realistic advice. And based of your fully booked schedule, your clients must value you greatly. There is a deep honestly in your words here, so I imagine that is the type of person and therapist you are. How lucky they are to have you, and us to have you here. ❤

 

[blue]

I also work with the high risk mental health population. I work outpt in a hospital.
I wrote a reddit post once about the conflict I feel in doing my job which is to ensure safety and prevention above all else, yet I personally respect my patients' right to choose. The conflict arises in that I could never express my personal feelings of respecting my patients' decisions to self harm in any capacity to anyone at my place of work. I would surely lose my job if I ever told a patient that I respect any decision they made, even the decision to self harm. Respecting a patient's decision to perform suicide is not included in a wholistic care model, and I do think that a wholistic care model cannot be truly complete without respecting and even supporting (not encouraging) a patient's decision to die. We live in a society that isn't even accepting of assisted suicide to the terminally ill; once this threshold has been crossed, then we can hope for the gradual inclusion of respecting and even supporting (not encouraging) suicide as socially acceptable.

 

[Isitmytime]

Disclaimer: I am a suicidal therapist. I hope that doesn't scare you. I am most likely not YOUR therapist.

Okay, now to my dilemma.

I have struggled with depression and an eating disorder since I was a child. I have thought about suicide as a way out since age 11, and more seriously considered it by age 14. I've been on countless medications, and tried various behavioral and talk therapies. I've been hospitalized numerous times for both depression and anorexia. I have attempted suicide once (hydrogen sulfide, unsuccessful).

I decided to become a therapist because 1. I needed to figure out a career for myself and 2. I'm a decent therapist when I'm not depressed. I am probably decent enough when I am depressed, given that I'm depressed 50% of the time and still have a full caseload in my private practice.

I realize now I am actually trying to tell people why I became a therapist so that I'm not judged harshly for treating patients while depressed. I've been working in the field for nearly ten years and since I started I've felt a need to keep the severity of my depression a secret from others because I worry about their judgement, given my career. Unfortunately, this likely leads to a bad cycle because I feel very alone in my near constant suicidal ideation.

I wonder how other therapists deal with this. I've been thinking more seriously about suicide recently but of course I worry about those I leave behind. Patients, family members, my pets. Mostly depression is pervasive and in my mind no one will actually care because my presence here does more harm than good. But rationally, I can accept this thought MAY be based within the reality of depression, which is in all likelihood a delusional reality.

I bought sodium nitrate a few months ago. That would be my preferred way out.

any other therapists on this site who can relate? I feel so lonely and I keep isolating myself. I really need a community who understands.

Did you manage to rationalize your suicidal ideation? Like the underlying cause of depression and what would it take for you to put it aside, at least for awhile? I am not a therapist, just interested in the topic. I don't really think my reality is totally delusional although at times I think it might be. I see it in terms of what I really want vs. what is realistically possible.

 

[Isitmytime]

I hope you mean sodium nitrite, nitrate is the wrong chemical.

Wait hold up, if you're a suicide therapist why not just apply what you've learned to yourself and be cured? Or is therapy really more about milking sad people? (As i suspect it is.)

Now that's just beyond mean. Not even worth arguing.

 

[saltshaker]

Now that's just beyond mean. Not even worth arguing.

Beyond mean? That's open to interpretation I guess. I'd say I was just being blunt.

 

[Isitmytime]

Beyond mean? That's open to interpretation I guess. I'd say I was just being blunt.

No, it's assuming that all therapists are only about money, that therapy never works (for some it actually does), and attacking a person who is not in a good state of mind, which you would certainly not appreciate for yourself. SS was supposed to be about support and respect for everyone.

 

[saltshaker]

No, it's assuming that all therapists are only about money, that therapy never works (for some it actually does), and attacking a person who is not in a good state of mind, which you would certainly not appreciate for yourself. SS was supposed to be about support and respect for everyone.

I edited it to be less abrasive. Still a good question imo.

 

[Isitmytime]

I edited it to be less abrasive. Still a good question imo.

Thank you, I appreciate it. I could try to give you a partial answer, though not wanting to speak for others.
1. It doesn't work the same for everybody, and a specific technique can work for one and not for another. 2. Therapists have specialties, too (like a cardiologist cannot treat himself for kidney problems). 3. Dealing with other's issues sometimes gets to you, too. Especially if you really care.
Just a few ideas, presented very simplistically. See why I think you were mean and quick to judge?

 

[catscradle]

not a therapist but I work in social services and have a lot of mental health type training. I don't know if it's just me but often in training I swear to God they talk about suicidal people or people with mental illnesses like we're some kind of alien or monster, or like there's no suicidal people in the room. I had to attend a training about a week after attempting once and it was hell.

 

[saltshaker]

Now that's just beyond mean. Not even worth arguing.

Kinda funny that the harsher version of this question remains on your post, and mods removed the edited version i had up. :P

 

[Isitmytime]

Kinda funny that the harsher version of this question remains on your post, and mods removed the edited version i had up. :P

I had no idea and I did not report anything, just so you know... I don't like doing that. No offence taken by me. Be well!