Discussion Any Anhedonic & Apathetic People Wish They Had CTB Back When They Could Feel Sadness?

[TheGoodGuy]

So does any apathetic and anhedonic people wish they´d ctb back when they could feel their emotions especially sadness? I remember being suicidal at 18 I especially remember that time going for a walk early in the morning in the summer while the sun was coming up as I went "treeshopping" (to hang myself) it sounds weird to people who don´t know how being apathetic and anhedonic is like but I actually miss the sadness I felt then, it´s like a beautiful sadness and it made thinking of suicide feel good in weird way it´s very hard to explain because I didn´t feel good good I was sad but it felt nice to fantasize about and felt good to cry and let those feelings out.

But for a long time I haven´t felt anything, I don´t feel any feelings not happiness, not sadness, not excitement which makes it so much harder to ctb. People like to blame teenagers for being impulsive by acting on their emotions but I think this is the right thing at least I certainly wish I´d ctb back when I had the emotional drive to do it because it was really fuel to the tank it gave so much drive to actually do it where now there is only logic and rationality which states suicide would be the right choice for me since I haven´t had anything resembling a life for over 10 years but there is no emotional drive to do it because of apathy and anhedonia. Apathy makes me not care emotionally and because I can´t feel emotional about suicide or depression it´s anhedonic (without-pleasure) so I can feel no pleasure from the beautiful sadness that is within the depressive feelings I felt as a teenager which leaves no drive to ctb

Does anyone feel like this in the slightest?

 

[kunikuzushi]

I also had a walk in the early morning 5 years ago, and yeah suicide felt so beautiful and I wish I did it then. The sky was so beautiful and I was so happy in my sadness. Now, like you, I'm just sure suicide is logically the right decision for me

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I also had a walk in the early morning 5 years ago, and yeah suicide felt so beautiful and I wish I did it then. The sky was so beautiful and I was so happy in my sadness. Now, like you, I'm just sure suicide is logically the right decision for me

Nice that someone understands it can be hard to explain that beautiful sadness.

Also after experiencing this it just further proofs that after all we shouldn´t have given life a chance it was objectively the wrong choice.

 

[sserafim]

Yeah. I feel nothing at all; I just feel empty. I wish I had ctb last year, back when I was depressed