Rue89
Visionary
- Feb 10, 2020
- 2,726
I'm still here. I'm sorry I didn't give an update. I was so messed up about not going through and too embarrassed to admit it. I felt like a failure. I still do. This time I didn't even get out of the house before the anxiety hit me. Then just like the time before, I was crying and I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything. It wasn't the thought of dying. Actually that's the only thing that helped calm me somewhat. I believe that it's the discomfort and possible pain I'll feel after drinking the SN that's causing it. There's no clear answer because when I'm feeling the anxiety I'm not really thinking about or focusing on anything in particular. It's like the emotional and physical feelings of anxiety are there but no clear thoughts behind it, although there's no doubt in my mind that it had something to do with my pending ctb. But like I said thinking about death actually calmed me a bit, not much, not enough that I could do anything, but it definitely gave me a little bit of peace. So I don't know. Maybe I'm not ready, but not the kind of "not ready" that people are suggesting, the kind where I should rethink it. It's the kind where I need to wait for the real stressors to return, because this everyday anxiety over nothing won't allow it. I'm sure that if I had SN back in December/January, when I was being pressured to get a job and my mom even mentioned me moving out, I would've been able to go through with it. (I'm definitely not ready to move and I know she won't make me, but the pressure was there) I remember sometime in I think April my mom suggested that I start looking for a job. She knows my anxiety is no better, not in the slightest, yet she still mentioned it. Right away I started to panic. I have a hard enough time handling it at home. How will I be able to at a job? She hasn't mentioned it since, I'm guessing most likely the pandemic has given me a reprieve, but I'm sure sooner rather than later, probably before the end of this summer, she'll start pressuring me again. That will be when the "real problem" anxiety will push me over the edge. Just like before that will be stronger than the total nonsense anxiety and then I'll be able to ctb. Honestly I really hope this happens soon, because dealing with this anxiety everyday and not being able to do anything about it is torture.
