user667
Student
- May 11, 2020
- 255
i'm set to ctb late tomorrow night. i thought i would be super happy and i was very happy at first of the thought of everything i have struggled with, all the pain, the feeling of not belonging on this planet and in this life, the loneliness, the genuine wanting to die and not even wanting to get better was all going to be over. and i still have my many reasons for wanting to die and i don't want to turn back. but as the event approaches i am getting so so so anxious i am anxious about getting caught or failure but also about dying, which is something i have accepted and wanted for years. this is very confusing to me as i am sure i want this but does it mean i am not ready or is this normal or is it just survival instinct? i was planning on doing it about a month ago and i felt the same anxiety as the time approached but i was caught and hospitalized before i took the SN. but after i was caught i became desperate to ctb and i wasn't even having any anxiety or considering anything i just thought "i want to do it and i want to do it now and not think twice about it" but i tried to hang myself and couldn't pass out so i gave up. it wasn't planned or anything, just when i would wake up in the middle of the night i thought ok well i'll try it and if i'm lucky it'll work. i think if i were to be caught again i would be launched into the same desperate crisis, trying to kill myself with whatever is available. but i'm just so confused by this anxiety because i don't want to make a permanent mistake but i know i don't want to live, ever.
