Hey all, I posted earlier today about having taken a little bit of SN to test the side effects. At a relatively small dose, the sides weren't that bad: there was increased heart rate, inability to support my weight, sweating, and finally headache after it started to wear off. In fact, it almost had a sedating effect. Feelings of panic only seemed to be triggered when I actively saw / read things that were concerning; sort of like a mental anxiety.
Today, my partner made a statement about how precious our lives are, and how much we shouldn't waste them. My partner also stated a desire to let go of problems we'd had before and get better, that I was a great source of happiness, etc. I know that I would be leaving my partner without much at all in life if I went, and it makes me really sad. Up until now I'd been feeling pretty good about my decision, although nervous. I'd just been feeling bad due to feeling a little bit cornered, but I know that I'm going to keep suffering if I don't exit. I really want to go.
Tonight I also had a dinner with coffee with my partner and it's the first time in weeks that I felt insanely anxious when I started to sleep. I believe the coffee might have triggered some type of chemical SI reaction (caffeine anxiety). I thought about dying, taking the SN for the final time, getting super sick, getting anxious, suffering in my final moments. Again, I can't get benzos and this has started to make me nervous again. I am so scared of the regrets or fear I'll feel in my final moments, even though there are other (much better than me) people here who just DO it; people who I admire greatly.
I know that I will make my partner's life a living hell if I don't recover and I'm afraid my partner will ctb also when I go, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to bring misery anymore but I just want to go and exit! I started getting flashbacks of all the reasons I wanted to ctb and started thinking "why me, why did it have to go this way specifically?" But there's nothing I can do about it anymore. Every day I have to constantly make efforts to block distressing thoughts because they are always there.
It was so important to my partner that I get into recovery. Like I said, my partner also is depressed and has never been happy ever since childhood. There was a desire that I re-ignite our dreams together, which I have mostly forgotten and stopped thinking about because I do not want "dreams" anymore. I don't want to admit this because I don't want to inflict any sadness. This is making things a lot more complicated than I would like. I reiterate that I do NOT want to recover, I want to ctb, I just feel so guilty.
Today, my partner made a statement about how precious our lives are, and how much we shouldn't waste them. My partner also stated a desire to let go of problems we'd had before and get better, that I was a great source of happiness, etc. I know that I would be leaving my partner without much at all in life if I went, and it makes me really sad. Up until now I'd been feeling pretty good about my decision, although nervous. I'd just been feeling bad due to feeling a little bit cornered, but I know that I'm going to keep suffering if I don't exit. I really want to go.
Tonight I also had a dinner with coffee with my partner and it's the first time in weeks that I felt insanely anxious when I started to sleep. I believe the coffee might have triggered some type of chemical SI reaction (caffeine anxiety). I thought about dying, taking the SN for the final time, getting super sick, getting anxious, suffering in my final moments. Again, I can't get benzos and this has started to make me nervous again. I am so scared of the regrets or fear I'll feel in my final moments, even though there are other (much better than me) people here who just DO it; people who I admire greatly.
I know that I will make my partner's life a living hell if I don't recover and I'm afraid my partner will ctb also when I go, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to bring misery anymore but I just want to go and exit! I started getting flashbacks of all the reasons I wanted to ctb and started thinking "why me, why did it have to go this way specifically?" But there's nothing I can do about it anymore. Every day I have to constantly make efforts to block distressing thoughts because they are always there.
It was so important to my partner that I get into recovery. Like I said, my partner also is depressed and has never been happy ever since childhood. There was a desire that I re-ignite our dreams together, which I have mostly forgotten and stopped thinking about because I do not want "dreams" anymore. I don't want to admit this because I don't want to inflict any sadness. This is making things a lot more complicated than I would like. I reiterate that I do NOT want to recover, I want to ctb, I just feel so guilty.
