Anxiety and CTB

[Rue89]

Anxiety is a fucking curse, the way it makes me want to ctb, but also makes it so damn difficult. I do believe that I've made a little progress in lowering my anxiety about ctb and think that it's finally enough that I can actually do it. The thing that I think is at the root of my anxiety about ctb is the uncomfortable and possibly painful symptoms from the SN before I die. To try to lower my anxiety I've been thinking about each one and imagining feeling them. I have a very vivid imagination. I try to think about them calmly and logically, reminding myself that a lot of them I've experienced before, although maybe not as badly as I probably will with SN, like headaches, nausea, and increased heart rate (this is one of them that I'm most anxious about. I'm sure it will be worse than anything I've experienced). I don't know, maybe it's kind of weird, but it has helped make it a little less scary. I mean it's still terrifying as hell, but I don't think so much that it'll stop me. I do feel more prepared mentally this time and I'm ready to try again. I was going to ctb on Friday, but with SS being down I waited. I want to document my experience with SN and would also like some company when I go. I'm hoping to do it sometime this week. I'll be going really early so I'll have extra time if I need it. Hopefully this will finally be it.

 

[kinzokukae]

i wish you luck (: i can completely relate too, that's the main reason i could never do SN - i have really bad emetophobia, to the point where even mild nausea makes me panic. couldn't imagine using SN, but i hope everything works out for you.

 

[lululoo]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I am too, though for me it's a little about the method and a lot about fear of death. I don't want to be alive but I'm still struggling with non-existence.

 

[Hammer]

I also have extremely bad Emetophobia and horrible panic disorder about it, I live every day in constant fear atm cause I'm nauseas most of the time, partly do to not being able to eat anything because of the Emetophobia.

It makes my way out really hard to find, as I can't risk it failing and bring in hospital and I can't risk medication because if obvious reasons, I also panic if anything touches my neck....


The way I have decided on is NO with a gas mask and a bag for extra. It's ready to go the moment I feel a panic attack that I can't come back from or feel to nasueus. Hopefully it works, I tested the gas mask and it doesn't seem to let any oxygen in, as in I couldn't breath while it was on. So again hopefully after I turn on the gas and put the mag over my head too to reduce the risk of oxygen getting in it should all work.

As highly unlikely as it may be I'm also hoping I'll somehow come out of it with brain damage that causes retrograde amnesia and makes me forget my entire life. That would be a dream come true. But death is just as good. My biggest issue atm is my family, they have tried so hard to help me and I know they will be heart broken when they find out I'm gone. It's why I plan to drive away from the house and do it cause I can't bare them having to find my body.

But yeah anyway other than NO the only other option I have is stabbing myself in the heart which I'm believe isn't as easy it it looks cause of ribs and muscle and what not.