kinoki
Member
- Feb 20, 2025
- 30
Hello, everyone my name is Kinoki/Nokklien! I was originally going to make this into a video, but I came to the conclusion not to because I don't think anyone would really care. I would also like to say I hope the community is doing good, and it's been awhile since I've been here;I hope the community still accepts me, thank you so much for taking the time to read this. This is my personal in real life story about how antidepressants/antipsychotics almost killed me, and to make sure you know what you're taking. Some medications I am going to be talking about cause very real things such, as breast cancer, or Tardive Dyskinesia.
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t was the beginning of August I was taking a pill known as Invega, I had just started a new medication, at first everything was going great with medication, I was on Vraylar before taking Invega. I started having episodes of having suicidal thoughts, I was having a really hard time keeping control of my emotions, it was effecting me really badly. I liked Invega because it was helping me, with motivation but it was not helping me with suicidal thoughts. I was also having dissociation, and depersonalization, I would also like to say I have been diagnosed with many mental health conditions, such as BPD, Bipolar Schizoaffective with Bioplar, 1, and Dissociative Identity Disorder, and much more. These are past and present diagnoses, but I am still seeking mental health treatment. I don't remember what exactly happened or what was going on with mental health, but I knew it wasn't right. I didn't want to get off of the pill, because I really did enjoy taking it because it helped me actually do things, then again that could have just maina kicking in. It felt like for me it was too 0 to 100, so quickly. Some of this stuff is a blur in my mind, so I am trying my best to remember how the situation escalated that far to where I had such a big mental breakdown, and it ultimately landed me in the psychward 2 times.
I feel like this part is important because I believe it's relevant to the story, and how mental treatment is extremely important, and why it's not taking seriously as it should. Mental health already has a known stigma of it's own, and it's not a good one. I live in area where a lot of people don't believe mental health conditions are a thing, most believe it's fake or a joke. It was around at the end of August, and my symptoms got worse in September I was having some concerning side effects to the pill I was taking. I already was having suicidal thoughts, but it was becoming worse, I was having homicidal thoughts, now. I thought their something really bad going, and physical symptoms were starting to appear. Around September 6th I went to the hospital, I felt like there something medically was going on, because of the physical symptom I was having. They checked everything, but I still choose to believe something medically was going on. No one told me but the doctor had made the ultimately made the decision send me to psych, I was not informed I was going up there - another thing I was wanting celebrate, my birthday was Sept 7th. I didn't want to stay up there. So, when I did go up there - I had mental breakdown, and they didn't want to keep there because I was hitting things, and I didn't say I was suicidal or homicidal during when I was downstairs in the emergency room, and they also didn't inform me I was gonna go to psych. So I was released back into the real world, and driven home, by a friend. I celerbated my birthday very nicely. My friend had taken me out to do somethings, and it was nice an another friend came to visit me at night, he left. I had a nice birthday. I had told my "psychiatrist," about what has happening physically to my body. I got call explaining to me that I should get off the Invega and go on a pill I was already on before Inevga; Vraylar.
I would also like to mention that I am going off by what I can vividly remember, and also my according discharge papers from the ER, another mental hospital, and from other people, this takes place September 8, (I would like to say my friend had shown up to give me a pregnancy test because I was having delusions that I was pregnancy witch weren't true), she left before my psychiatrist called. As I said before my psychiatrist told me to go on older pill I had taken, Vraylar. I remember differently then what the hospitals summaries said; I remember her telling me to go ahead and take the Vraylar, but this is false. According to what my friend told, and discharge papers I had not spoken to my psychiatrist at all, I actually spoke to the nurse, according to what I was told afterwards when I got out of the hospital including, my psychiatrist, an the nurse. The nurse explained I had actually talked to me, and she told me to wait for 24 hours. I had already taken Invega that day, I am personally more incline to believe everything they told me. During this time I was having really weird delusions, that I was pregnant, or I was God. It was getting worse, I had been up until 1;00-2:00 AM, it was Sept 9. I tired listening binaural beats anything, but it made my head hurt even more already, my mind wouldn't stop, it was insane. I started smelling ammonia, the worst headache of my life, my eyes were rolling up involuntary, I had recorded some of things I was experiencing because I thought I was going to die, I was foaming out the mouth, having tunnel vision, sometimes I would talk and stop talking, and my eyes would roll up, and it felt like at any point I could die - I remember I was outside of my apartment screaming, because I thought I was going to die, I remember saying I wasn't ready, and I was basically begging to any source above to help me. I went back inside, and I started having seizures. I called 91 the EMTS made fun of me, and said I wrote suicide note and they explain to me they didn't want to take me because I seemed fine, so they made me sign a refusal form because they didn't want to take me. I felt my symptoms were progressively getting worse, and worse. I was feeling like I was to faint, and die. My mind was telling me "something is wrong and you need to find help, now!" It felt like if I were to sleep, I was going to die, and my head wasn't even allowing to sleep because of what was happening. The smell ammonia was terrible.
It was smell of death is the best way I can describe it. I finally decided to call 911 again, i remember screaming, and begging for my life - the 911 operator tried his best to calm me down, The EMTS arrived. The one that I talked too basically told me I was just having a panic attack, and he didn't want to make because presumed I was having a panic attack, I don't remember our entire conversation; I remember he was explaining he has been an EMT for longer than I have been alive, and that he said I didn't know what I was talking about. I basically begged him to let me in the ambulance, he finally did, but he told me to shut up and get in the ambulance. I don't think I've ever had a panic where my eyes are rolling up, and the smell of ammonia makes me think I am going to die, every person is different, and everyone has a different experience with panic attacks, anxiety attacks, and everything else, but I feel like I am self-aware to know that, I can identity when I need help or treatment. I don't like asking for help, I have big pet peeve on asking for help because the times I do ask for help, no one wants to help.
When I was on the stretcher in the ambulance, I was crying, I had begged for mercy on my life. I noticed that my heart rate, and blood pressure were extremely high along with each other. The roads here where I am from aren't really sturdy, they move back and forth. The ambulance had moved to the left, and my heart rate dropped very quickly. I was fully awake, and my eyes widened. I swear at that very moment I just died. The EMT noticed he just didn't care, I remember him asking what I was doing because I was slumped, I was drooling from the mouth from my mouth for a small amount of time and I had been holding my breath because I was scared. The moment I arrived at the hospital I started having another seizure, I was turned to my side.
The doctor had came into the room and gave me some Ativan. I calmed down, but I still felt like something was wrong. My entire face was numb, he explained to me I was just having a panic attack. He soon released me, and the hospital had called my friend. I was having involuntary movements in my face, sticking my tongue out to the left, closing my eyes really hard, bite my tongue and I would spit. My friend had finally found me, she had been looking for me for 30 minutes. She knew immediately something was wrong, she had called my therapist and explained the situation. It was also early in the morning, we had to wait for about 30 minutes until we could see her, we went to Walmart really quick to get my shoes, I didn't go inside with her, because she thought the lights in Walmart might be too over stimulating, (she bought me some purple sandals with a cute charm on them. I still have them to this day, irrelevant to the story but I thought it might be a fun little fact.) She had spoken to my therapist about the situation, and she referred me to the hospital in Batesville AR. We would have to wait 3-4 hours until we could go because they had no beds available, and it was also a long drive from where we were located. I stayed at her house, I had slept for about an hour, but every time I would like to fall into a deep sleep I would take a gasp of air, so I would be like semi-awake. We finally waited long enough, and got a bed. I was remembering being scared to swallow food and pills, because I thought it would kill me or hurt me. When I was in this car, I had been screaming at, crying, my head wouldn't shut up, my thoughts weren't even thoughts anymore -they were voices, "you are going to die," "die die die."
We finally had arrived at around 1:00 AM, (Sept 11). I had spoken to the nurse very beefily until I was taken back to my room. I had finally laid down, I felt safe enough to just fall a little asleep;the nurses ended up waking me up to give me Cogentin 2mg, first time getting a shot on my behind wasn't pleasant but it happened. I started feeling better my mind wasn't racing, and the involuntary movements had stopped. I had been diagnosed with Tardive Dyskinesia along with Schizoaffective with Bipolar, an BPD.
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I had been taking antipsychotics, and antidepressants since I was 12-13, I truthfully think my brain was just tired of all the medicine I had been taking.
I can no longer antipsychotics, or antidepressants. I am only Lithium now,
Have you guys ever had experience like this or somewhat close to death?
Thank you so much reading, and always make sure to be careful what you're taking!
(I would love to be friends with anyone on here! thank you again)
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t was the beginning of August I was taking a pill known as Invega, I had just started a new medication, at first everything was going great with medication, I was on Vraylar before taking Invega. I started having episodes of having suicidal thoughts, I was having a really hard time keeping control of my emotions, it was effecting me really badly. I liked Invega because it was helping me, with motivation but it was not helping me with suicidal thoughts. I was also having dissociation, and depersonalization, I would also like to say I have been diagnosed with many mental health conditions, such as BPD, Bipolar Schizoaffective with Bioplar, 1, and Dissociative Identity Disorder, and much more. These are past and present diagnoses, but I am still seeking mental health treatment. I don't remember what exactly happened or what was going on with mental health, but I knew it wasn't right. I didn't want to get off of the pill, because I really did enjoy taking it because it helped me actually do things, then again that could have just maina kicking in. It felt like for me it was too 0 to 100, so quickly. Some of this stuff is a blur in my mind, so I am trying my best to remember how the situation escalated that far to where I had such a big mental breakdown, and it ultimately landed me in the psychward 2 times.
I feel like this part is important because I believe it's relevant to the story, and how mental treatment is extremely important, and why it's not taking seriously as it should. Mental health already has a known stigma of it's own, and it's not a good one. I live in area where a lot of people don't believe mental health conditions are a thing, most believe it's fake or a joke. It was around at the end of August, and my symptoms got worse in September I was having some concerning side effects to the pill I was taking. I already was having suicidal thoughts, but it was becoming worse, I was having homicidal thoughts, now. I thought their something really bad going, and physical symptoms were starting to appear. Around September 6th I went to the hospital, I felt like there something medically was going on, because of the physical symptom I was having. They checked everything, but I still choose to believe something medically was going on. No one told me but the doctor had made the ultimately made the decision send me to psych, I was not informed I was going up there - another thing I was wanting celebrate, my birthday was Sept 7th. I didn't want to stay up there. So, when I did go up there - I had mental breakdown, and they didn't want to keep there because I was hitting things, and I didn't say I was suicidal or homicidal during when I was downstairs in the emergency room, and they also didn't inform me I was gonna go to psych. So I was released back into the real world, and driven home, by a friend. I celerbated my birthday very nicely. My friend had taken me out to do somethings, and it was nice an another friend came to visit me at night, he left. I had a nice birthday. I had told my "psychiatrist," about what has happening physically to my body. I got call explaining to me that I should get off the Invega and go on a pill I was already on before Inevga; Vraylar.
I would also like to mention that I am going off by what I can vividly remember, and also my according discharge papers from the ER, another mental hospital, and from other people, this takes place September 8, (I would like to say my friend had shown up to give me a pregnancy test because I was having delusions that I was pregnancy witch weren't true), she left before my psychiatrist called. As I said before my psychiatrist told me to go on older pill I had taken, Vraylar. I remember differently then what the hospitals summaries said; I remember her telling me to go ahead and take the Vraylar, but this is false. According to what my friend told, and discharge papers I had not spoken to my psychiatrist at all, I actually spoke to the nurse, according to what I was told afterwards when I got out of the hospital including, my psychiatrist, an the nurse. The nurse explained I had actually talked to me, and she told me to wait for 24 hours. I had already taken Invega that day, I am personally more incline to believe everything they told me. During this time I was having really weird delusions, that I was pregnant, or I was God. It was getting worse, I had been up until 1;00-2:00 AM, it was Sept 9. I tired listening binaural beats anything, but it made my head hurt even more already, my mind wouldn't stop, it was insane. I started smelling ammonia, the worst headache of my life, my eyes were rolling up involuntary, I had recorded some of things I was experiencing because I thought I was going to die, I was foaming out the mouth, having tunnel vision, sometimes I would talk and stop talking, and my eyes would roll up, and it felt like at any point I could die - I remember I was outside of my apartment screaming, because I thought I was going to die, I remember saying I wasn't ready, and I was basically begging to any source above to help me. I went back inside, and I started having seizures. I called 91 the EMTS made fun of me, and said I wrote suicide note and they explain to me they didn't want to take me because I seemed fine, so they made me sign a refusal form because they didn't want to take me. I felt my symptoms were progressively getting worse, and worse. I was feeling like I was to faint, and die. My mind was telling me "something is wrong and you need to find help, now!" It felt like if I were to sleep, I was going to die, and my head wasn't even allowing to sleep because of what was happening. The smell ammonia was terrible.
It was smell of death is the best way I can describe it. I finally decided to call 911 again, i remember screaming, and begging for my life - the 911 operator tried his best to calm me down, The EMTS arrived. The one that I talked too basically told me I was just having a panic attack, and he didn't want to make because presumed I was having a panic attack, I don't remember our entire conversation; I remember he was explaining he has been an EMT for longer than I have been alive, and that he said I didn't know what I was talking about. I basically begged him to let me in the ambulance, he finally did, but he told me to shut up and get in the ambulance. I don't think I've ever had a panic where my eyes are rolling up, and the smell of ammonia makes me think I am going to die, every person is different, and everyone has a different experience with panic attacks, anxiety attacks, and everything else, but I feel like I am self-aware to know that, I can identity when I need help or treatment. I don't like asking for help, I have big pet peeve on asking for help because the times I do ask for help, no one wants to help.
When I was on the stretcher in the ambulance, I was crying, I had begged for mercy on my life. I noticed that my heart rate, and blood pressure were extremely high along with each other. The roads here where I am from aren't really sturdy, they move back and forth. The ambulance had moved to the left, and my heart rate dropped very quickly. I was fully awake, and my eyes widened. I swear at that very moment I just died. The EMT noticed he just didn't care, I remember him asking what I was doing because I was slumped, I was drooling from the mouth from my mouth for a small amount of time and I had been holding my breath because I was scared. The moment I arrived at the hospital I started having another seizure, I was turned to my side.
The doctor had came into the room and gave me some Ativan. I calmed down, but I still felt like something was wrong. My entire face was numb, he explained to me I was just having a panic attack. He soon released me, and the hospital had called my friend. I was having involuntary movements in my face, sticking my tongue out to the left, closing my eyes really hard, bite my tongue and I would spit. My friend had finally found me, she had been looking for me for 30 minutes. She knew immediately something was wrong, she had called my therapist and explained the situation. It was also early in the morning, we had to wait for about 30 minutes until we could see her, we went to Walmart really quick to get my shoes, I didn't go inside with her, because she thought the lights in Walmart might be too over stimulating, (she bought me some purple sandals with a cute charm on them. I still have them to this day, irrelevant to the story but I thought it might be a fun little fact.) She had spoken to my therapist about the situation, and she referred me to the hospital in Batesville AR. We would have to wait 3-4 hours until we could go because they had no beds available, and it was also a long drive from where we were located. I stayed at her house, I had slept for about an hour, but every time I would like to fall into a deep sleep I would take a gasp of air, so I would be like semi-awake. We finally waited long enough, and got a bed. I was remembering being scared to swallow food and pills, because I thought it would kill me or hurt me. When I was in this car, I had been screaming at, crying, my head wouldn't shut up, my thoughts weren't even thoughts anymore -they were voices, "you are going to die," "die die die."
We finally had arrived at around 1:00 AM, (Sept 11). I had spoken to the nurse very beefily until I was taken back to my room. I had finally laid down, I felt safe enough to just fall a little asleep;the nurses ended up waking me up to give me Cogentin 2mg, first time getting a shot on my behind wasn't pleasant but it happened. I started feeling better my mind wasn't racing, and the involuntary movements had stopped. I had been diagnosed with Tardive Dyskinesia along with Schizoaffective with Bipolar, an BPD.
-------
I had been taking antipsychotics, and antidepressants since I was 12-13, I truthfully think my brain was just tired of all the medicine I had been taking.
I can no longer antipsychotics, or antidepressants. I am only Lithium now,
Have you guys ever had experience like this or somewhat close to death?
Thank you so much reading, and always make sure to be careful what you're taking!
(I would love to be friends with anyone on here! thank you again)
