Today I woke up and I was feeling somewhat normal for the first time in a very long time. I wasn't happy or anything, just normal. I had my obscure thoughts of catching the bus as usual, but they were like, in the background I guess. My life is shit as usual, and I am utterly alone, but I feel mostly indifferent today. It's sudden so I believe it's my antidepressant doing its job. I've started around a month ago, so it seems like this is the typical time for it to start working. I'm at work as usual, but I don't feel utterly miserable, I just feel apathetic, like IDGAF.
Other than that, I received my SN today. It was remarkably easy. I got it using the info I found on the forum. Don't ask me about sources though, in Italy it is a felony to help people commit suicide, and I'd rather avoid going to jail. Don't take it the wrong way, but I will tell you nothing about it. The SN is 99% pure and from a reputable lab. Knowing I can end it all at any moment makes me feel at ease. It does not make me feel like YOLO let's go on a rampage and then end it all, I just feel somewhat peaceful. I can end it tomorrow, or in a year, or when the antidepressant stops working, or if I lose my job, or maybe in 10 years when I'll be a sorry excuse of a man in his forties with nothing to look forwards to except an old life of regrets and physical ailments... I will not open the SN, I know it is highly pure and effective, it'll probably still work 10 years from now.
Anyway, in short, I feel kind of like a robot. Life could be tolerable in the short term this way. I do not feel optimistic though, but I'm having unusual mental clarity that could help me either improve my situation (I'm not feeling optimistic yet though), or at the very least not get fired at least for a while.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings.
Other than that, I received my SN today. It was remarkably easy. I got it using the info I found on the forum. Don't ask me about sources though, in Italy it is a felony to help people commit suicide, and I'd rather avoid going to jail. Don't take it the wrong way, but I will tell you nothing about it. The SN is 99% pure and from a reputable lab. Knowing I can end it all at any moment makes me feel at ease. It does not make me feel like YOLO let's go on a rampage and then end it all, I just feel somewhat peaceful. I can end it tomorrow, or in a year, or when the antidepressant stops working, or if I lose my job, or maybe in 10 years when I'll be a sorry excuse of a man in his forties with nothing to look forwards to except an old life of regrets and physical ailments... I will not open the SN, I know it is highly pure and effective, it'll probably still work 10 years from now.
Anyway, in short, I feel kind of like a robot. Life could be tolerable in the short term this way. I do not feel optimistic though, but I'm having unusual mental clarity that could help me either improve my situation (I'm not feeling optimistic yet though), or at the very least not get fired at least for a while.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings.
