Anticipating my own suicide

[emptysoul69]

At the moment, my depression is at a baseline level - it's in the background and I am finding joy in many of the things I do (what there is to enjoy in this mess we're all in anyways). It feels good. I tapered off my SSRI's - after making the mistake of quitting cold turkey and going back on them - and for the first time in a while, my head doesn't feel so foggy.

I know this feeling though. I've had it before, and I know it won't last forever. My experience with depression has been much like a rollercoaster - there are periods of time where I feel "normal" throughout the day and find joy in the pleasures of life, and other periods of time where my existence becomes grey and miserable. The depression always comes back.

Ironically, while I've been feeling less depressed, the suicidal ideation is still going strong. I lie to my friends and family and tell them that I have a handle on it, but I really don't. Even now, I feel sober, clear, and not unhappy, but the thought of suicide is at the forefront of my mind. I was able to focus on other things throughout the day, but as soon as the work day ended, the thoughts trickled back in, and I found myself almost relishing the thought of CTB.

Maybe someone here can relate, but are you still suicidal even when you aren't "depressed," or when things aren't at their worst? I feel almost guilty, but it's also something I cling to, and quite frankly, don't want to give up. I don't have a date set for CTB, but I know I will do it, at some point. I've had 7 attempts within the last few months, but they were always done in moments where I wasn't of a sober or stable mind. Now that I'm more stable, I'm beginning to wonder if I should make a more committed plan, rather than wait till I spiral again and end up making dumb decisions.

 

[Lordsudbury]

Yeah I don't know. I've been writing a lot lately and it helps to air out my thoughts, so much so that I don't feel really suicidal or depressed anymore even. But when I think about what brought me here the guilt all comes rushing back.

I'm over the worst of depression where I was trying to kill myself everyday and in the hospital. But nonetheless I had to leave my job and career and now I'm stranded in another country and losing a lot of money.

My biggest struggle now is having no control over my life and not feeling like "a man".
But I'm living in Mexico and everyday I suntan on my roof, bodybuild, eat great food and literally just hang out. It's not so bad.

I feel like my suicidal ideation is like a job now. Like ok I've suffered this much it's time to get there. Like a goal. A thing to do. Even though I'm not particularly depressed or upset anymore. Still just ashamed but, daily life ain't so bad.