Story Another suifuel story illustrating the reality of my social failures

[TAW122]

This isn't something new to me, but rather frequent instances and occurrences throughout my life. The story that I'm going to share isn't the first time nor will it be the last time this (or similar) cases will happen. I have since given up hope on things "getting better" because with reasonable expectation and experiences I have concluded that it is (almost certainly) going to be the same re-runs of the same scenario (or similar ones) throughout my life. Simply put, I just can't get into a group or fit in to about any group of people, I'm just an outsider. This is a very big suicide fuel, especially because this isn't a one time thing, or a one-off thing, it happens just about everywhere. As for people IRL who are (or act) nice to me, it's mostly for their own gains and/or ulterior motives (in the past it was religious people hoping to "convert" me or treating me like project or something). Anyways, here is the story (in the next paragraph).

In 2014, as I moved to a new city to start Graduate school, I rented an apartment with a roommate, who is a music major and we both went to the same university, but in different programs. I was in software engineering and stuff while he was in music composition. I had an interest in music and me and him both chatted for quite a bit. Basically a new start, so good so far. As he's a music student, he oftenly perused and frequently the music halls and music building at the university. I was a software engineering student therefore, I was at the technology building more oftenly. Since I enjoyed music a lot and I was still new, I tried to join in with the musicians at the music building. However, despite my age gap (being a graduate student a few years older than they are) and they are undergraduates, usually ages 18-22 or so on average, they all ignored me and I simply just don't exist in their eyes. They never hung out with me, invited me to stuff, talked to me, I was basically invisible. Granted, I have Aspergers (I had it since childhood and it has always been with me for my whole life) and that didn't make matters any easier. It took me about a year or so, before I realized that people just simply don't give a shit about me. While they didn't give me trouble, I felt like I never belonged, no matter how hard I tried to be a part of their group. I'm simply just an outsider, invisible to them (hell- I'd like to think if I died they wouldn't give a shit, maybe "pretend" to give a shit by virtue signaling "I care!" and then forgetting it ever happened... It's true but no one wants to admit it). Sure, if I initiate conversation with them, they "might" converse but then quickly end the convo and then back to whatever they are doing. After that realization, I knew I am just an unwanted, outcast person who doesn't belong in a group, even if I tried to be a part of something. I suppose the group that might accept me would be religious groups (like churches and what not) but those have ulterior motives and do so because they feel compelled, or because they WANT something from me thus; it's not genuine. They are more interested in preaching than attending to my interests and values. Also since I'm an atheist, there would be tension thus I don't debate scripture or challenge them regarding religious stuff. (Don't even get me started on the but people care about you bullshit, they don't and if/when they say so, it's just a virtue signal, ego boost for them, they don't "genuinely" care - otherwise they be initiating contact, hanging out with me, or inviting me to stuff and more).

Then most people give blue-pilled, idealistic advice, and generic advice that doesn't help such as "You need to go out more", "You just need to approach people", etc. It is usually said by normies, people who are (socially) successful, and more. They simply cannot relate so I can't blame them for that, but what is unacceptable is their arrogance and denial over the possibility that they could be wrong as well as their refusal to "understand" (as well as constant lies). They simply want to preach and "act like they" help, regardless of whether their recipient really benefited from it. Ironically enough, when called out, they get defensive and hostile for trying to stand up to their gaslighting and trite advice. They act as though they are right and know about things and that anything and everything I say is wrong. Fuck them, because hearing all these inane, trite advice only makes me feel worse and more suicidal. It's not encouraging nor motivating, it's deceptive and depressing as fuck. Therefore, I don't even bring this subject up because people don't fucking listen and at best, they'll shower me with platitudes, lecture and patronize me, and just overall make me feel worse than before. I pretty much resigned to the fact that life sucks and no point in trying to ask for "advice" because I won't get anything helpful let alone people really understanding Aspergers, social ostracization, or just making things more complicated and worse. I accepted that I'm just going to be solitary for my whole life and then CTB when that time comes.

 

[Ulisses]

here we understand and support you. do not feel excluded by people who mean nothing to you or anyone who understands your feelings. use the forum to vent and talk about your real feelings.

 

[throwaway_2620]

As someone who has autism, I can relate to some of the things you posted in this thread. I understand how it feels to feel like an outcast in social situations. I'm also an atheist and I share a lot of your beliefs. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. Take care!

 

[Kassender]

I can relate.
Same social issues.

I spent close to 23 years trying to fix this, but the reactions i get are still the same.

When you say your life is just going to be a repeat of the same pattern, i feel this.
My whole life i feel like ive been stuck in groundhog's day.

The first few weeks or months go well until everyone picks up on my weirdness.
Its only a matter of when im getting ostracized.

So i guess it doesnt matter where i go, and this is why i will ctb.
On the top of that, i also have adhd in a country where you cant get treated.

I was ok with being a failed career, but i cant resign myself to a solitary life.
This is why i choose to end this.

I dont want to be alone, but i dont want to be a burden.
I dont want people to pity me.
I dont want them to think they have to put up with me.

I feel you. Im sorry you have to go through that.

I hope you're doing okay, at least today...

 

[michaelbrownlee]

I've been feeling like I can't fit in with any group of people, family "friends" coworkers without being the odd one out. If you could have the social and emotional relationships you desire would that change anything? Would that make life worth living? I'm asking because I can't even consider a possibility where I feel at home not feeling anxious the next stupid thing I do or say will make me want to pull the trigger.

 

[Otter]

This isn't something new to me, but rather frequent instances and occurrences throughout my life. The story that I'm going to share isn't the first time nor will it be the last time this (or similar) cases will happen. I have since given up hope on things "getting better" because with reasonable expectation and experiences I have concluded that it is (almost certainly) going to be the same re-runs of the same scenario (or similar ones) throughout my life. Simply put, I just can't get into a group or fit in to about any group of people, I'm just an outsider. This is a very big suicide fuel, especially because this isn't a one time thing, or a one-off thing, it happens just about everywhere. As for people IRL who are (or act) nice to me, it's mostly for their own gains and/or ulterior motives (in the past it was religious people hoping to "convert" me or treating me like project or something). Anyways, here is the story (in the next paragraph).

In 2014, as I moved to a new city to start Graduate school, I rented an apartment with a roommate, who is a music major and we both went to the same university, but in different programs. I was in software engineering and stuff while he was in music composition. I had an interest in music and me and him both chatted for quite a bit. Basically a new start, so good so far. As he's a music student, he oftenly perused and frequently the music halls and music building at the university. I was a software engineering student therefore, I was at the technology building more oftenly. Since I enjoyed music a lot and I was still new, I tried to join in with the musicians at the music building. However, despite my age gap (being a graduate student a few years older than they are) and they are undergraduates, usually ages 18-22 or so on average, they all ignored me and I simply just don't exist in their eyes. They never hung out with me, invited me to stuff, talked to me, I was basically invisible. Granted, I have Aspergers (I had it since childhood and it has always been with me for my whole life) and that didn't make matters any easier. It took me about a year or so, before I realized that people just simply don't give a shit about me. While they didn't give me trouble, I felt like I never belonged, no matter how hard I tried to be a part of their group. I'm simply just an outsider, invisible to them (hell- I'd like to think if I died they wouldn't give a shit, maybe "pretend" to give a shit by virtue signaling "I care!" and then forgetting it ever happened... It's true but no one wants to admit it). Sure, if I initiate conversation with them, they "might" converse but then quickly end the convo and then back to whatever they are doing. After that realization, I knew I am just an unwanted, outcast person who doesn't belong in a group, even if I tried to be a part of something. I suppose the group that might accept me would be religious groups (like churches and what not) but those have ulterior motives and do so because they feel compelled, or because they WANT something from me thus; it's not genuine. They are more interested in preaching than attending to my interests and values. Also since I'm an atheist, there would be tension thus I don't debate scripture or challenge them regarding religious stuff. (Don't even get me started on the but people care about you bullshit, they don't and if/when they say so, it's just a virtue signal, ego boost for them, they don't "genuinely" care - otherwise they be initiating contact, hanging out with me, or inviting me to stuff and more).

Then most people give blue-pilled, idealistic advice, and generic advice that doesn't help such as "You need to go out more", "You just need to approach people", etc. It is usually said by normies, people who are (socially) successful, and more. They simply cannot relate so I can't blame them for that, but what is unacceptable is their arrogance and denial over the possibility that they could be wrong as well as their refusal to "understand" (as well as constant lies). They simply want to preach and "act like they" help, regardless of whether their recipient really benefited from it. Ironically enough, when called out, they get defensive and hostile for trying to stand up to their gaslighting and trite advice. They act as though they are right and know about things and that anything and everything I say is wrong. Fuck them, because hearing all these inane, trite advice only makes me feel worse and more suicidal. It's not encouraging nor motivating, it's deceptive and depressing as fuck. Therefore, I don't even bring this subject up because people don't fucking listen and at best, they'll shower me with platitudes, lecture and patronize me, and just overall make me feel worse than before. I pretty much resigned to the fact that life sucks and no point in trying to ask for "advice" because I won't get anything helpful let alone people really understanding Aspergers, social ostracization, or just making things more complicated and worse. I accepted that I'm just going to be solitary for my whole life and then CTB when that time comes.

Fake Christians are the worst!
I feel as though I can relate to most of your story (although I'm not an Aspie) The religious part resonates with me also. I was raised in a somewhat religious home, but have strayed out of that and pretty much no, Agnostic. I have felt invisible my whole life, too and I agree there's a lot of hypocrites out there. I feel one of the reasons why I don't fit in is because I'm always just in the "middle". I'm not religious and I'm not a crazy party animal. Boring to the extreme. I stopped trying to fit in years ago. I, like you, am just siding time ill I'm ready to ctb!
Did you finish grad school and are you out and about now, living on your own?

 

[TAW122]

here we understand and support you. do not feel excluded by people who mean nothing to you or anyone who understands your feelings. use the forum to vent and talk about your real feelings.

Thanks and I'm glad this forum exists for this very purpose (as well as offering resources and information on methods - which imho is the most important aspect of this forum).

@throwaway_2620 thanks for your support.

@Kassender Yeah, thanks for your support and I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who experienced ostracization. I too, hate it when people pity, and treat me like a child or someone who doesn't know what they are doing.

@Otter Yes, I finished graduate school and did live on my own for a while until my living arrangement changed. Currently unemployed and living with parents (hopefully only temporarily). I plan to CTB later this year and am mostly just trying to wear a mask until I'm ready (right time, right opportunity).