Bc of a recent event my emotional flashbacks have been soooo intense and debilitating.
Shaking, can't breathe, can't move, just extreme freeze response. Then when I get my body calmed enough my mental is so fucked. Even on good days. It just ruins them. So rn tonight... I'm wishing I could just attempt bleeding out. That's the only thing I have access to. If not for my ADHD I'm sure all the reading over the yrs would be on the top of my mind rn but nope.
I haven't slept well in 2 days bc of the CPTSD so obv that doesn't help. It's a sick kinda funny when people's adive is "relax" and "get some sleep " or tryna tell me the importance of sleep like O don't kno. If I could relax I'd sleep bc im exhausted but nope. It's basically a balance of distraction or moving my body if I can. Im in the middle.
Took extra of some pills plus alcohol just in hopes of sleep tonight. Ik its not healthy but spending the night exhausted forcing myself to watch videos, or game or read to keep distracted enough to slip into sleep as per usual with this is something I do not have energy for. So pills and alcohol it is.
I've called a talk/help line 4 times..2 times Friday and 2 times today to get myself through. I hate those kinda lines but this degree of freeze makes it necessary.
Ironically I just finally bought some supplements that might help and such. Im trying to live bc it's not like either is easy but alas.
Im not ok. Its 12amish. Might take 3am scheduled meds early which includes benzo. Honestly wish this would all lead to my death but life aint that easy. Saddest thing rn? Lack of alcohol for sure. Not one to use unhealthily anymore but yeah im beyond being awake in this way.
Not funny but funny thing is sedatives give me energy. I have a few theories but one is being so weighed down by anxiety & issues not feeling em so much leads to some energy.
Anyway im going to.... take the 3am meds, melatonin, drain the 2 wine bottles that probs barly equals to half a cup, play pokemon?, listen to music/ allow mental dissociation, slip out of it, grip my head and try not to reach for the exacto knife,breathe, start o over? Maybe try to eat if my stomach settles enough but truly just want sleep now.
Im not ok and im baely fucking functioning and I'm TRYING REALLY HARD to live but fucking drowning.
At this point I might just end up trying to kill mysef on fucking impulse bc this is too much. Not too much impulse... I'll only try if I can succeed so.
I wanna live but with the way I feel rn not at all. So it's a mind fuck as usual.
Anyway. Just... needed to get this out if me. As I grip my hrad scarf. Listening to music to just mentally fade but any day dream that includes kindness towards myself even in day dream is triggering too.
This is a miserable state and I just fucking rambled as usual but yeah. Self hate is deep. Im exhausted and now I need to pick something to force myself to distract. Intrusive thoughts are LOUD.
Ugh im fucking pathetic.
Remaining wine was like half a cup and took 3am meds. Sleepy. Kinda? Hungry? I mean I did order Kimchi fried rice intentionally as like some kinda symbolic thing. As my friend ordered it for me last yr and it was the change in which I saw my suicidality and started a lil bit at a time reaching out or feeling safe to do so.
But im also like mentally more so than physically sick to my stomach.
Sooo I dunno. I'm gonna play Pokémon ig. Rn about to face the Luminous (?) City Gym. I'm playing Pokémon X. I can't even play a game without being reminded that I am loved. My friend gave me her 3DS and games. She didn't even bother to clear anything first. She wasn't using it anymore so one can think of it as like thifting but its just... I was saying how I wanted to get a game console but not sure yet. Bc of ny financial circumstances she recommended a used 3DS which I was considering but had kinda forgotten. Then she told me she had one and a bunch of games and she doesn't really play it anymore bc she has a switch now. Usually it makes me... feel good. Loved. Etc. In the state of emotional flashbacks/now it makes me feel a bit sick. Like why the fuck would someone love me. It took her 2 tries to send the games too. Like who... why.. I don't feel deserving.
Under normal circumstances all of this would be manageable. I really am getting "further" within healing. Emotional flashback recovery time is less than before. But... the hormones and chronic physical health issues be killing me. Plus the trigger last week.
Anyway... I told her about the revelation of needing anchors in hard moments. Like if I'm a ship sinking I need to throw my anchor to multiple boats to stay afloat kinda thing. So... ig rn... at almost 2am I shall play all the games on the 3DS and use the love I've been shown as an anchor.
I feel disgusting and wrong and like I am not trying hard enough but thats a lie and I am trying. I ordered all the supplements I needed for my health plus a bed desk, moka pot for lattes, and a milk frother bc I like / enjoy coffee and making beverages it makes me happy. So I got the essentials and like $30 in nonessential for actual joy to propel into life/living. If I can't function much or go out I will at least be able to make delicious lattes with espresso level caffeine.
Yeahhh... I dunno. I dunno wtf I am doing bc while I've become accustomed to emotional flashbacks at least once a day... not on this level. So. I am just trying. To be real most people in my situation would be bleeding out from every fucking aspect if their skin and I'm sooo tempted like that imagery feels so good but I can't bc I won't stop and I'm not going to hospital. Not a dis to others just a revelation I'm still uncomfortable with bc it isn't my own per say.
Anyway. I'm more so "medicated" (enough sedated meds to feel sedated) and tired plus kinda sick feeling. So... for sanity sake I will attempt eating or just finish wine. Game and focus on the love I can physically see rn. Bc mentally I'm obv not ok enough to sustain anything.
Writing here for my own sanity. The medication plus alcohol is almost enough. Im dizzy as fuck. Forcibly sleepy tho. Soooo.... fucking finally. But my thoughts are painful and loud enough that just closong my eyes won't do a damn thing but wake me up. Yupppp tried. Gonna game and finish wine and maybeeee eat. Eating has been hard despite my effort. Like I cannot finish full meals rn. It's wild but toxic part of me hopes I'm losing weight.
OK. Thoughts won't stop but my focus on em stops now. Ja ne.
Remaining wine was like half a cup and took 3am meds. Sleepy. Kinda? Hungry? I mean I did order Kimchi fried rice intentionally as like some kinda symbolic thing. As my friend ordered it for me last yr and it was the change in which I saw my suicidality and started a lil bit at a time reaching out or feeling safe to do so.
But im also like mentally more so than physically sick to my stomach.
Sooo I dunno. I'm gonna play Pokémon ig. Rn about to face the Luminous (?) City Gym. I'm playing Pokémon X. I can't even play a game without being reminded that I am loved. My friend gave me her 3DS and games. She didn't even bother to clear anything first. She wasn't using it anymore so one can think of it as like thifting but its just... I was saying how I wanted to get a game console but not sure yet. Bc of ny financial circumstances she recommended a used 3DS which I was considering but had kinda forgotten. Then she told me she had one and a bunch of games and she doesn't really play it anymore bc she has a switch now. Usually it makes me... feel good. Loved. Etc. In the state of emotional flashbacks/now it makes me feel a bit sick. Like why the fuck would someone love me. It took her 2 tries to send the games too. Like who... why.. I don't feel deserving.
Under normal circumstances all of this would be manageable. I really am getting "further" within healing. Emotional flashback recovery time is less than before. But... the hormones and chronic physical health issues be killing me. Plus the trigger last week.
Anyway... I told her about the revelation of needing anchors in hard moments. Like if I'm a ship sinking I need to throw my anchor to multiple boats to stay afloat kinda thing. So... ig rn... at almost 2am I shall play all the games on the 3DS and use the love I've been shown as an anchor.
I feel disgusting and wrong and like I am not trying hard enough but thats a lie and I am trying. I ordered all the supplements I needed for my health plus a bed desk, moka pot for lattes, and a milk frother bc I like / enjoy coffee and making beverages it makes me happy. So I got the essentials and like $30 in nonessential for actual joy to propel into life/living. If I can't function much or go out I will at least be able to make delicious lattes with espresso level caffeine.
Yeahhh... I dunno. I dunno wtf I am doing bc while I've become accustomed to emotional flashbacks at least once a day... not on this level. So. I am just trying. To be real most people in my situation would be bleeding out from every fucking aspect if their skin and I'm sooo tempted like that imagery feels so good but I can't bc I won't stop and I'm not going to hospital. Not a dis to others just a revelation I'm still uncomfortable with bc it isn't my own per say.
Anyway. I'm more so "medicated" (enough sedated meds to feel sedated) and tired plus kinda sick feeling. So... for sanity sake I will attempt eating or just finish wine. Game and focus on the love I can physically see rn. Bc mentally I'm obv not ok enough to sustain anything.
Writing here for my own sanity. The medication plus alcohol is almost enough. Im dizzy as fuck. Forcibly sleepy tho. Soooo.... fucking finally. But my thoughts are painful and loud enough that just closong my eyes won't do a damn thing but wake me up. Yupppp tried. Gonna game and finish wine and maybeeee eat. Eating has been hard despite my effort. Like I cannot finish full meals rn. It's wild but toxic part of me hopes I'm losing weight.
OK. Thoughts won't stop but my focus on em stops now. Ja ne.a
Again writing for own sanity rn bc its... breaking.
Ughhh getting to ease within these emotional flashbacks is such a like structured like... I dunno kinda fickle thing. The only patreon I am subscribed to got auto renewed which is good I luv that podcast (Sibling Rivalry) but was gonna / do usuall listen/watch it while I play a certain app and eat but nope. Getting my brain focused on Pokémon/gaming was hard enough sooo... yeah... I did warm up both food and desserts. Kinda sleepy but eh. Felt it and it based as usual bc hypervigilance kicked in so... I gotta focus on somethig engaging, fun etc bc otherwise im fucked. And engaging in anything is hard much less good things. Rn listening to music with headphones and hoping/aiming to transition to kpop variety that I've watched a bunch of times as I think that'll be ok / help and into not having headphones on. To eat. And to sleep.....
That's the plan. Its now 2:30am so... not much sleep is expected and I had some plans for today but as usual I won't be able to do em / have to change.it all...
But yeah. Anyway off to face the gym. Gonna transition/ ready to watch youtube with or without headphones....and yeee.. ima survive ig...
Again thank god for cannabis. I can feel the CBD calming so many things. Today might be goood or shit or a mix but I'm going!!! To get!!! Some!!! Fucking!! Sleep!! And peace. God im tired of this. Im sick of hating myself and Im sick of the self hare and loathing & worthlessness
Haaaa shall just keep tryin till I can't I dunno ja.
Remaining wine was like half a cup and took 3am meds. Sleepy. Kinda? Hungry? I mean I did order Kimchi fried rice intentionally as like some kinda symbolic thing. As my friend ordered it for me last yr and it was the change in which I saw my suicidality and started a lil bit at a time reaching out or feeling safe to do so.
But im also like mentally more so than physically sick to my stomach.
Sooo I dunno. I'm gonna play Pokémon ig. Rn about to face the Luminous (?) City Gym. I'm playing Pokémon X. I can't even play a game without being reminded that I am loved. My friend gave me her 3DS and games. She didn't even bother to clear anything first. She wasn't using it anymore so one can think of it as like thifting but its just... I was saying how I wanted to get a game console but not sure yet. Bc of ny financial circumstances she recommended a used 3DS which I was considering but had kinda forgotten. Then she told me she had one and a bunch of games and she doesn't really play it anymore bc she has a switch now. Usually it makes me... feel good. Loved. Etc. In the state of emotional flashbacks/now it makes me feel a bit sick. Like why the fuck would someone love me. It took her 2 tries to send the games too. Like who... why.. I don't feel deserving.
Under normal circumstances all of this would be manageable. I really am getting "further" within healing. Emotional flashback recovery time is less than before. But... the hormones and chronic physical health issues be killing me. Plus the trigger last week.
Anyway... I told her about the revelation of needing anchors in hard moments. Like if I'm a ship sinking I need to throw my anchor to multiple boats to stay afloat kinda thing. So... ig rn... at almost 2am I shall play all the games on the 3DS and use the love I've been shown as an anchor.
I feel disgusting and wrong and like I am not trying hard enough but thats a lie and I am trying. I ordered all the supplements I needed for my health plus a bed desk, moka pot for lattes, and a milk frother bc I like / enjoy coffee and making beverages it makes me happy. So I got the essentials and like $30 in nonessential for actual joy to propel into life/living. If I can't function much or go out I will at least be able to make delicious lattes with espresso level caffeine.
Yeahhh... I dunno. I dunno wtf I am doing bc while I've become accustomed to emotional flashbacks at least once a day... not on this level. So. I am just trying. To be real most people in my situation would be bleeding out from every fucking aspect if their skin and I'm sooo tempted like that imagery feels so good but I can't bc I won't stop and I'm not going to hospital. Not a dis to others just a revelation I'm still uncomfortable with bc it isn't my own per say.
Anyway. I'm more so "medicated" (enough sedated meds to feel sedated) and tired plus kinda sick feeling. So... for sanity sake I will attempt eating or just finish wine. Game and focus on the love I can physically see rn. Bc mentally I'm obv not ok enough to sustain anything.
Writing here for my own sanity. The medication plus alcohol is almost enough. Im dizzy as fuck. Forcibly sleepy tho. Soooo.... fucking finally. But my thoughts are painful and loud enough that just closong my eyes won't do a damn thing but wake me up. Yupppp tried. Gonna game and finish wine and maybeeee eat. Eating has been hard despite my effort. Like I cannot finish full meals rn. It's wild but toxic part of me hopes I'm losing weight.
OK. Thoughts won't stop but my focus on em stops now. Ja ne.
Again writing for own sanity rn bc its... breaking.
Ughhh getting to ease within these emotional flashbacks is such a like structured like... I dunno kinda fickle thing. The only patreon I am subscribed to got auto renewed which is good I luv that podcast (Sibling Rivalry) but was gonna / do usuall listen/watch it while I play a certain app and eat but nope. Getting my brain focused on Pokémon/gaming was hard enough sooo... yeah... I did warm up both food and desserts. Kinda sleepy but eh. Felt it and it based as usual bc hypervigilance kicked in so... I gotta focus on somethig engaging, fun etc bc otherwise im fucked. And engaging in anything is hard much less good things. Rn listening to music with headphones and hoping/aiming to transition to kpop variety that I've watched a bunch of times as I think that'll be ok / help and into not having headphones on. To eat. And to sleep.....
That's the plan. Its now 2:30am so... not much sleep is expected and I had some plans for today but as usual I won't be able to do em / have to change.it all...
But yeah. Anyway off to face the gym. Gonna transition/ ready to watch youtube with or without headphones....and yeee.. ima survive ig...
Again thank god for cannabis. I can feel the CBD calming so many things. Today might be goood or shit or a mix but I'm going!!! To get!!! Some!!! Fucking!! Sleep!! And peace. God im tired of this. Im sick of hating myself and Im sick of the self hare and loathing & worthlessness
Haaaa shall just keep tryin till I can't I dunno ja.
Ughhh maybe warmed up food preemptively seems theres many things on my chest rn.
I needa get it off and get through this fr fr. Almost there but feel a drag/sickness still within me. Maybe I'll just spend today gaming and sleeping. I can't stand to read for many reasons. Its triggering bc of the kinda books I like to read, its hard to keep focused or engaged in it bc of sleep deprivation... yeah things like that....
Yeahh I feel some tiredness. I started in the Luminous Gym and it's very interesting. Started kpop variety and it was def a good choice bc I have watched it sooo many times. So... yeanh. Well. Ok gonna play and watch and listen and tryyyyyy ja. Just need some ease. And ig a hug but that isn't happening
So just needa fullly immerse in a distraction which is harder when lacking sleep...
Okkkk almost to calm hopefully almost to sleep....ja.
