Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Bc of a recent event my emotional flashbacks have been soooo intense and debilitating.
Shaking, can't breathe, can't move, just extreme freeze response. Then when I get my body calmed enough my mental is so fucked. Even on good days. It just ruins them. So rn tonight... I'm wishing I could just attempt bleeding out. That's the only thing I have access to. If not for my ADHD I'm sure all the reading over the yrs would be on the top of my mind rn but nope.
I haven't slept well in 2 days bc of the CPTSD so obv that doesn't help. It's a sick kinda funny when people's adive is "relax" and "get some sleep " or tryna tell me the importance of sleep like O don't kno. If I could relax I'd sleep bc im exhausted but nope. It's basically a balance of distraction or moving my body if I can. Im in the middle.
Took extra of some pills plus alcohol just in hopes of sleep tonight. Ik its not healthy but spending the night exhausted forcing myself to watch videos, or game or read to keep distracted enough to slip into sleep as per usual with this is something I do not have energy for. So pills and alcohol it is.
I've called a talk/help line 4 times..2 times Friday and 2 times today to get myself through. I hate those kinda lines but this degree of freeze makes it necessary.
Ironically I just finally bought some supplements that might help and such. Im trying to live bc it's not like either is easy but alas.
Im not ok. Its 12amish. Might take 3am scheduled meds early which includes benzo. Honestly wish this would all lead to my death but life aint that easy. Saddest thing rn? Lack of alcohol for sure. Not one to use unhealthily anymore but yeah im beyond being awake in this way.
Not funny but funny thing is sedatives give me energy. I have a few theories but one is being so weighed down by anxiety & issues not feeling em so much leads to some energy.
Anyway im going to.... take the 3am meds, melatonin, drain the 2 wine bottles that probs barly equals to half a cup, play pokemon?, listen to music/ allow mental dissociation, slip out of it, grip my head and try not to reach for the exacto knife,breathe, start o over? Maybe try to eat if my stomach settles enough but truly just want sleep now.
Im not ok and im baely fucking functioning and I'm TRYING REALLY HARD to live but fucking drowning.
At this point I might just end up trying to kill mysef on fucking impulse bc this is too much. Not too much impulse... I'll only try if I can succeed so.
I wanna live but with the way I feel rn not at all. So it's a mind fuck as usual.
Anyway. Just... needed to get this out if me. As I grip my hrad scarf. Listening to music to just mentally fade but any day dream that includes kindness towards myself even in day dream is triggering too.
This is a miserable state and I just fucking rambled as usual but yeah. Self hate is deep. Im exhausted and now I need to pick something to force myself to distract. Intrusive thoughts are LOUD.
Ugh im fucking pathetic.
Shaking, can't breathe, can't move, just extreme freeze response. Then when I get my body calmed enough my mental is so fucked. Even on good days. It just ruins them. So rn tonight... I'm wishing I could just attempt bleeding out. That's the only thing I have access to. If not for my ADHD I'm sure all the reading over the yrs would be on the top of my mind rn but nope.
I haven't slept well in 2 days bc of the CPTSD so obv that doesn't help. It's a sick kinda funny when people's adive is "relax" and "get some sleep " or tryna tell me the importance of sleep like O don't kno. If I could relax I'd sleep bc im exhausted but nope. It's basically a balance of distraction or moving my body if I can. Im in the middle.
Took extra of some pills plus alcohol just in hopes of sleep tonight. Ik its not healthy but spending the night exhausted forcing myself to watch videos, or game or read to keep distracted enough to slip into sleep as per usual with this is something I do not have energy for. So pills and alcohol it is.
I've called a talk/help line 4 times..2 times Friday and 2 times today to get myself through. I hate those kinda lines but this degree of freeze makes it necessary.
Ironically I just finally bought some supplements that might help and such. Im trying to live bc it's not like either is easy but alas.
Im not ok. Its 12amish. Might take 3am scheduled meds early which includes benzo. Honestly wish this would all lead to my death but life aint that easy. Saddest thing rn? Lack of alcohol for sure. Not one to use unhealthily anymore but yeah im beyond being awake in this way.
Not funny but funny thing is sedatives give me energy. I have a few theories but one is being so weighed down by anxiety & issues not feeling em so much leads to some energy.
Anyway im going to.... take the 3am meds, melatonin, drain the 2 wine bottles that probs barly equals to half a cup, play pokemon?, listen to music/ allow mental dissociation, slip out of it, grip my head and try not to reach for the exacto knife,breathe, start o over? Maybe try to eat if my stomach settles enough but truly just want sleep now.
Im not ok and im baely fucking functioning and I'm TRYING REALLY HARD to live but fucking drowning.
At this point I might just end up trying to kill mysef on fucking impulse bc this is too much. Not too much impulse... I'll only try if I can succeed so.
I wanna live but with the way I feel rn not at all. So it's a mind fuck as usual.
Anyway. Just... needed to get this out if me. As I grip my hrad scarf. Listening to music to just mentally fade but any day dream that includes kindness towards myself even in day dream is triggering too.
This is a miserable state and I just fucking rambled as usual but yeah. Self hate is deep. Im exhausted and now I need to pick something to force myself to distract. Intrusive thoughts are LOUD.
Ugh im fucking pathetic.
