Venting Another missed opportunity to ctb

[Notmadeforthislife]

I told myself that today would be the day that I would ctb. I had the opportunity and I didn't take it. Everyone left the room where I know a gun is hidden. All I had to do is take it and leave. Then I could have gone down a lonely trail into the woods and used the gun to ctb. But, I felt guilty because of all of the devastating effects it would have on my family and I couldn't make myself do it. I just stood there passively. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I feel helpless. I don't have the will to live, but so far I also don't have the will to ctb. I want to leave this life, but I feel trapped in it because of the loved ones I would hurt by leaving. I suppose I should be happy and grateful that I have a loving family. I know many of you here don't have that. But it's not enough to make me want to live. I feel hopeless and broken beyond repair. I don't want to bear the burden of suffering through this life to keep everyone else happy, but so far I can't help myself. I also can't stand the thought of hurting my family. Unless I can get passed that I'll be stuck in this life of misery. I'm a kind and caring person. Why do I have to suffer like this?

 

[ocd is bad]

I suppose I should be happy and grateful that I have a loving family. I know many of you here don't have that. But it's not enough to make me want to live. I feel hopeless and broken beyond repair. I don't want to bear the burden of suffering through this life to keep everyone else happy, but so far I can't help myself. I also can't stand the thought of hurting my family.

I relate a lot to this. I want to ctb but I know it'd really make my family sad, so I can't do it. Now I'm stuck in this weird limbo where I can't kill myself but I also don't have a reason to keep going. I hope things get better for you.

 

[Sinai Silence]

I've missed several opportunities to ctb, there's no need to be ashamed about it. Another opportunity will arise if its what you want to do.

I think leaving people who live and care about you is the highest wall to climb when ctb. My plan is to wait for the people I know care about me to leave before I ctb. Which shouldn't be long in the grand scheme of things.

But there are days I would say hell to it and not wait, I'm very conflicted about it too. If your family love and care for you would they be understanding of your situation? You have to decide what's best for you.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

It's something we have to come to terms with if we want to CTB. It's a relatable feeling for many of us. I worry the same. Suffering is unbiased, unfortunately.

 

[draw a circle]

It be like that sometimes.... I was home alone almost all day last week for a few days. I don't have the equipment or a reliable method yet, so I couldn't do it, but it's such a great opportunity. So I just sat in my room, trying to do my work to no avail, and a week passed and I lost my chance. Well, I suppose it happens, but I wanted to do it before next month. Doesn't seem likely though

 

[Darknessallaround]

I told myself that today would be the day that I would ctb. I had the opportunity and I didn't take it. Everyone left the room where I know a gun is hidden. All I had to do is take it and leave. Then I could have gone down a lonely trail into the woods and used the gun to ctb. But, I felt guilty because of all of the devastating effects it would have on my family and I couldn't make myself do it. I just stood there passively. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I feel helpless. I don't have the will to live, but so far I also don't have the will to ctb. I want to leave this life, but I feel trapped in it because of the loved ones I would hurt by leaving. I suppose I should be happy and grateful that I have a loving family. I know many of you here don't have that. But it's not enough to make me want to live. I feel hopeless and broken beyond repair. I don't want to bear the burden of suffering through this life to keep everyone else happy, but so far I can't help myself. I also can't stand the thought of hurting my family. Unless I can get passed that I'll be stuck in this life of misery. I'm a kind and caring person. Why do I have to suffer like this?

I can relate to the feeling of wanting to leave this life but feeling trapped by not wanting to hurt those you leave behind. It's because you are a kind and caring person that you are suffering. If you didn't give a sh!t about your loved ones, it might make it easier.

 

[LADY007]

I told myself that today would be the day that I would ctb. I had the opportunity and I didn't take it. Everyone left the room where I know a gun is hidden. All I had to do is take it and leave. Then I could have gone down a lonely trail into the woods and used the gun to ctb. But, I felt guilty because of all of the devastating effects it would have on my family and I couldn't make myself do it. I just stood there passively. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I feel helpless. I don't have the will to live, but so far I also don't have the will to ctb. I want to leave this life, but I feel trapped in it because of the loved ones I would hurt by leaving. I suppose I should be happy and grateful that I have a loving family. I know many of you here don't have that. But it's not enough to make me want to live. I feel hopeless and broken beyond repair. I don't want to bear the burden of suffering through this life to keep everyone else happy, but so far I can't help myself. I also can't stand the thought of hurting my family. Unless I can get passed that I'll be stuck in this life of misery. I'm a kind and caring person. Why do I have to suffer like this?

When I think about leaving and someone feeling bad about it..........I remind myself that other person has people to ease the pain. You (we) have no one. Is it fair for you to live in misery for years while that person will grieve for a while and be helped by others???? If a person has a real, hopeless situation which is not going to improve (and just get worse)....what is fair ???? I feel it is not fair to the person suffering to feel the need to continue based on someone else's temporary pain.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear that. I too, had a similar feeling near the end of 2019. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and I wouldn't be able to predict the future, but had I known how 2020 is gonna be (my living situation changing, the pandemic turning things to shit, and more), I would have checked out near end of 2019, especially when my ladyfriend situation started to sour (she isn't the main reason nor the sole reason for my wanting to CTB, but just one of the many factors).

 

[I screwed up]

Leaving a loving family is the toughest thing after SI in my opinion. This is what is keeping me and I guess a lot if us here . its the worst place to be stuck in .

 

[virginiawoolf86]

Leaving a loving family is the toughest thing after SI in my opinion. This is what is keeping me and I guess a lot if us here . its the worst place to be stuck in .

Absolutely. I keep trying to rationalize it. It's not an easy quest. I guess some things just have to be accepted as they are.

 

[rhiino]

For me it is even harder to overcome the guilt and fear of what my suicide will do to the people I love than to overcome SI. I know it is not fair to live a life in pain and misery just for them, but my emotions have a different opinion.