Venting Another day gone. Another empty year.

[NitriteAnatomy]

I don't expect anyone to care, read this or anything. Call me what you will, think what the hell ever you want about me.

Yesterday, I lost you. You would've been 11yrs old. Sometimes, I can still hear the only sounds you made, feel the tiny weight of you in my arms, as you grew still. Every single day of the past 11yrs, I've never forgotten you. Every single day, the pain feels so fresh inside me that I feel something tearing and breaking constantly. All I see, whenever I close my eyes, is you. I can barely sleep most times, because I'm afraid to forget. Because I know I'll see you and then, in a flash, you're gone. Again and again and again. I wish I was stronger, I wish I could've done more. I wish I could've moved on or something, ANYTHING......but I'm weak, alone and couldn't. Couldn't save you and sure as hell can't save myself, so I've shut myself from the world. I don't know when that day I will finally hold you again will come. I don't know when I'll be ready to walk away from this life, but I have never let myself forget how I failed you.

I cry now, as I've done for literally thousands of days since you left. I feel ready, but I know it's not my time just yet. Why? Wish I knew, nothing I'm aware of really keeping me here, but here I stay, for the meantime. I love you, always have and my one big wish is to see that face again, when my time is finally done. I'm lost. I know of no words, big or small that'll ever make a difference. All I can do, is sit here, alone and in the dark and listen to songs. Read the words of others and just stare at this screen. Empty and utterly broken.

I miss you, Caileb.

 

[Stan]

I can only say sorry, no words or actions I can think of to soothe you. I wish I could.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

there are simply no words

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Very powerful and well spoken. My deepest of condolences and sympathies go out to you.

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

Caileb passed away as infant 11 years ago and the father could never move on... shows how strong the bond between a parent and the child is. When I read this I see tears in the form of words. *hugs*

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

Thanks, all. This time of year is always especially hard for me because of it all. Just had to put it out there, since I only bottle it up and speak the words into the dark, otherwise. This loss that I feel strongest every December 3rd, hell every December period, is one of the things my 'family' always told me I need to get over. No one should ever have to bury their child, let alone hold them when they lose them. It destroys a person.

Anyways, thanks.

 

[Moonicide]

I am so sorry for your loss, love. I wish there was something we could do for your heartbreak and pain, but we are here to listen to you... Thank you for sharing your story and pain with us. I know it's not easy.