Venting Anorexia will end my life if I don’t do it myself

[willitpass]

My eating disorder relapse has been steady since February. I have lost 30 pounds. I have gone from overweight to a "healthy" weight but am beginning to show signs of malnutrition. My hair is drying out, I have muscle pains, the chronic exhaustion is indescribable, none of my clothes fit anymore. I have enough medical knowledge to believe that I am not in a medical crisis yet, but I know the path I am headed down. I do not fear death in the slightest, I've been suicidal since I was 10 so I have no qualms dying. I just wish it wouldn't be through starvation, a slow, painful, wasting away before my eyes kind of death. However, I have not been actively suicidal enough to be able to push myself to do it purposefully, so unless I am struck with a motivation suddenly then I will watch myself waste away. Anorexia is not a hell I would wish on my worst enemy.

 

[hi-okbye]

as someone who has been through many eating disorders in the past, i understand your struggle. it's such a horrible disease, but for some reason i miss it sometimes (i have strangely enough recovered somehow. i didn't even really try, i'm very shocked but i'm very unstable so if i survive this next ctb attempt i deffinently think it's coming back). it can feel so horrible watching your body wasting away. I think part of the reason i recovered was so i would have the energy to get through with my ctb plans. not eating can have a major effect on how you feel mentally and physically. i understand how hard it can be to get yourself out of that spiral. for me my stomach literally shrunk to the point where i physically couldn't eat more than like half a plate otherwise i would throw up. I wish you a peaceful journy foward, sending much love <3

 

[willitpass]

I

as someone who has been through many eating disorders in the past, i understand your struggle. it's such a horrible disease, but for some reason i miss it sometimes (i have strangely enough recovered somehow. i didn't even really try, i'm very shocked but i'm very unstable so if i survive this next ctb attempt i deffinently think it's coming back). it can feel so horrible watching your body wasting away. I think part of the reason i recovered was so i would have the energy to get through with my ctb plans. not eating can have a major effect on how you feel mentally and physically. i understand how hard it can be to get yourself out of that spiral. for me my stomach literally shrunk to the point where i physically couldn't eat more than like half a plate otherwise i would throw up. I wish you a peaceful journy foward, sending much love <3

I understand missing it. I was (for the most part) in recovery for about 5-6 years and I would fairly frequent think about how I missed being so small and longing for the self control it takes to have this disorder back. Now that it's back, even though I'm suffering horribly every day, I have an odd sense of pride in myself for getting that self control back. The disordered thinking I have would drive any normal person mad to hear about. My thoughts are truly fully consumed by this disease anymore.