sucralose
New Member
- May 26, 2021
- 1
im supposed to be in anorexia recovery right now. i was inpatient for a week and a half and now im doing a day hospital program 5 days a week. im eating the food. im gaining the weight. but i seriously dont think i can do it anymore.
ive been suicidal for years. ive dealt with social anxiety, ocd, depression (possibly bipolar) and cptsd my entire life. i've had anorexia since i was 13. my mind is so thoroughly in control of me. ive been in therapy for years. no matter what i do, no matter what medication i try or how much water i drink or how much yoga and journaling and walking i do, my mind finds some new way to torture me. now that im eating again, my ocd is coming back in full force. if im eating and my ocd is in control, i get depressed. if im not depressed, im having panic attacks or im using drugs. i cannot win. i've tried. i've tried so, so hard.
now that im in treatment, theyre taking over the few things i could control - my body and my food intake. im disgusted with how i look. i just spent so long going through all of the photos i took of my body at my lowest weight, right before i went IP. i feel so sick. i want that body back. im still technically quite underweight, but ive put on ~10lbs since then. i hate myself. im seriously considering quitting treatment and letting this consume me. everybody thinks im doing so well and theyre all so proud of me just because im following my absurdly high calorie meal plan. but im exhausted. im tired of fighting for my life every day. im tired of forcing myself to act chipper and joyful and excited to recover. everything hurts and every day i have to eat until i nearly throw up. i want to order the SN soon. they might not let me start college this semester because of my eating disorder. i probably wont make it through even if i do. im stuck.
ive been suicidal for years. ive dealt with social anxiety, ocd, depression (possibly bipolar) and cptsd my entire life. i've had anorexia since i was 13. my mind is so thoroughly in control of me. ive been in therapy for years. no matter what i do, no matter what medication i try or how much water i drink or how much yoga and journaling and walking i do, my mind finds some new way to torture me. now that im eating again, my ocd is coming back in full force. if im eating and my ocd is in control, i get depressed. if im not depressed, im having panic attacks or im using drugs. i cannot win. i've tried. i've tried so, so hard.
now that im in treatment, theyre taking over the few things i could control - my body and my food intake. im disgusted with how i look. i just spent so long going through all of the photos i took of my body at my lowest weight, right before i went IP. i feel so sick. i want that body back. im still technically quite underweight, but ive put on ~10lbs since then. i hate myself. im seriously considering quitting treatment and letting this consume me. everybody thinks im doing so well and theyre all so proud of me just because im following my absurdly high calorie meal plan. but im exhausted. im tired of fighting for my life every day. im tired of forcing myself to act chipper and joyful and excited to recover. everything hurts and every day i have to eat until i nearly throw up. i want to order the SN soon. they might not let me start college this semester because of my eating disorder. i probably wont make it through even if i do. im stuck.
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