Discussion (anonpoll) Does being suicidal affect some of your lifestyle decisions?

[Suicidebydeath]

I am curious. Like do you ever feel like there's no point in doing certain things?
Or do you feel like you can do things or take more risks than normally if you wanted to be alive?

I got some spoiled, let's say "crisps" in my shopping (not the actual item, I already processed a refund). The packaging is damaged and they're not airtight but there was a seal. I'm seriously contemplating eating them. I probably wouldn't if I thought they were poisoned or something, I think they're just stale and so won't taste that great. I don't think it's a risk I would take if I wanted to be alive, just for a "packet of crisps" though. I hate throwing away and wasting things either way. It's not something I would give to somebody else, I don't know they haven't been tampered with after all.

I just a) think they're probably okay and b) actually in some small way hope they are cause me to die / not that fussed about consequences of eating them.

I also take slightly more financial risks since I wanted to die. It's like "hit it big or die" with less of an inbetween.

Anyone else feel the same sometimes?

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Yes, I went to the supermarket dressed in nothing but my underpants and a pair of hiking boots last summer because I was so suicidal that I honestly couldn't give a damn anymore about anything.

 

[lwlaiet8887]

Yes, I've become hedonistic which is something I despised years ago. I drink, take hard drugs, do the bare minimum and am lot less principled about life.

 

[wheretfami]

Absolutely. I've gotten more reckless in general with the ever-present thought of "won't matter anyway", and I haven't even made my decision yet. It's real.

 

[EternalShore]

not really~ I'm just going to live the same way until the day I finally pass~ Like maybe it causes me to not socialize as much as I could be, but that'd just be needless misery anyways~

 

[sserafim]

I am curious. Like do you ever feel like there's no point in doing certain things?
Or do you feel like you can do things or take more risks than normally if you wanted to be alive?

I got some spoiled, let's say "crisps" in my shopping (not the actual item, I already processed a refund). The packaging is damaged and they're not airtight but there was a seal. I'm seriously contemplating eating them. I probably wouldn't if I thought they were poisoned or something, I think they're just stale and so won't taste that great. I don't think it's a risk I would take if I wanted to be alive, just for a "packet of crisps" though. I hate throwing away and wasting things either way. It's not something I would give to somebody else, I don't know they haven't been tampered with after all.

I just a) think they're probably okay and b) actually in some small way hope they are cause me to die / not that fussed about consequences of eating them.

I also take slightly more financial risks since I wanted to die. It's like "hit it big or die" with less of an inbetween.

Anyone else feel the same sometimes?

I feel like there's no point in having to live life as an adult. I really don't think there's a point in having to work for a living and pay bills, taxes, and all that dumb shit. These things actively make me suicidal.

I also feel like there's no point in having to go through the motions of existence. I hate doing these mundane things just to survive. I hate how we have to do these things just to live

 

[passivethought121]

Affects many of them. Im apprehensive about starting or finishing major life steps purely because I believe I'm going to CTB and it'll all be a waste. I spend money poorly, knowing damn well how to save. I dont try to make new connections. I don't dress or act to impress anyone or get something. I often binge because I'm convinced it doesn't matter and I'll CTB right after. My ideation leaks into my values and I've accidentally convinced people to prefer the unhealthy option because I was projecting.

 

[mothercoin]

I feel like there's no point in having to live life as an adult. I really don't think there's a point in having to work for a living and pay bills, taxes, and all that dumb shit. These things actively make me suicidal.

I also feel like there's no point in having to go through the motions of existence. I hate doing these mundane things just to survive. I hate how we have to do these things just to live

I fully agree with this. Being suicidal makes me completely let go of myself. I legit don't care about doing anything and I'm actively ruining my life. I do all the things that are harming me, addictive eating, sleeping all the time, ignoring everyone, wasting all my time watching tv. It's horrible and I know it's wrong and will make me feel worse but I can't stop.

 

[ClownWorld2023]

I am curious. Like do you ever feel like there's no point in doing certain things?
Or do you feel like you can do things or take more risks than normally if you wanted to be alive?

Both.
Before this, I took some risks, but it only backfired horribly.
Now, after all the failure, I feel there's really no point anymore in doing certain things.

I learned that it's possible to sink deeper and lose even more than you thought you could lose.
I'm salvaging what I can and using my remaining energy to prepare for CTB, because in my situation, things can only get worse from now on.
(Think of serious health complications, like risking a psychosis, being hospitalized, etc..., basically "extra hell").

 

[minoumyheart]

yeah. stopped caring about alcohol intake and medicine guidelines, started regularly taking handfuls of pills cos i dont care. eating food that probably isnt safe just to suffer. not looking when i cross the road. getting dangerous w self harm etc.

kinda feels good to let go and relax tbh

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes but more in terms of my previous life goals. I'm no longer striving for things I used to really want because they don't mean as much now. They're so difficult to achieve regardless. Achieving them means doing really challenging and frightening things and I'm not even sure it's worth it regardless. In some ways, it's actually nice having that pressure taken off. I like the idea of not having a future to fail in, comply in or worry about.

In terms of day to day stuff- like your example- depends on what that food it is and how it has likely been opened. I've had food delivered before that has been open but that likely happened because everything got crushed- so, I've risked it. Anything I could get food poisoning from though- I wouldn't risk it. I've had that once and it was awful. It's unlikely it will kill but you feel so ill with it.

I've nearly entirely let things go around the home. So much is broken or ruined and despite the inconvenience, I don't care. I only really feel embarassed when other people see it. Then, I make more effort.

My current fitness level is terrible. To the point of breathlessness and heart palpitations. A part of me doesn't care. But then- realistically, if I need this body to find another job soon, I know I'm going to need to do something about it to make it easier on myself. There are specific reasons I feel I can't CTB at the moment, so I guess I'm just doing the bare minimum to tread water for now. I don't want to make things worse for myself but I have next to no drive to make them better.

 

[NoHorizon]

Yes. I can't remember the last time I cleaned my home (there's a visible layer of dust on my floor), but that's probably more depression related than suicide related.

More recently I've started buying things I wouldn't dream of normally because I'm extremely cautious with money. I figure if I'm likely to be dead soon I might as well just get the things I want and at least get a bit of enjoyment from them.

 

[Tulip<3]

Yes. A small example is taking micro overdoses of my painkillers to be in less pain (literally just taking an extra dose here and there). If I wasn't suicidal I wouldn't do that, I know it won't kill me but it's a health risk I wouldn't otherwise take.
Also I would probably try and quit vaping if I wasn't suicidal.
I still overall take care of my health and workout, mostly because working out when I can makes me feel better, and it's how I kind of keep control of my ED.

 

[stuckinfiction]

yeah. stopped caring about alcohol intake and medicine guidelines, started regularly taking handfuls of pills cos i dont care. eating food that probably isnt safe just to suffer. not looking when i cross the road. getting dangerous w self harm etc.

kinda feels good to let go and relax tbh

I want to stop thinking about what I "should" do, I just want all my thoughts to stop. I wish I can let go