I don't have a list of things I'd like to do before I CTB because I do not like being here and I don't enjoy anything (ie, anhedonia). Has anyone made a little bucket list of things they are going to do before their CTB date but does anyone else have such anhedonia that they just cannot enjoy anything to say goodbye to?
Nymph
he/him
- Jul 15, 2020
- 2,565
Never had a bucket list in my life, I don't have motivation for anything
Same but I literally don't like anything anymore, hence me wanting out. I was wondering if it's normal to have nothing to say goodbye to and nothing to 'miss'. I Googled how people with terminal illnesses face the end of life (coz in my mind, that's the same as having a set end date like us) and the suggestions are to do things you enjoy one last time and say goodbye to people.....but if you have anhedonia, you don't do any of that.
TheGoodGuy
Visionary
- Aug 27, 2018
- 2,996
Have thought about if there is anything I enjoy all day as a matter of fact, I suffer from extreme anhedonia and I was supposed to try start training again just pushups since I got a back injury in the middle of my spine and a throat problem along with allergies to dozens of foods that it´s nearly impossible but I want to try this but right now I am considered just go down and buy some beer and get drunk.
If you have suffered from anhedonia for a long time you know that you feel no pleasure at all I even went to a prostitute a couple years ago and could hardly come, she was cute and my type, experienced and nice but I don´t even enjoy sex anymore the only thing I enjoy is go shooting like I did today with my dad and my little brother but due to some events the police seized my firearms license and legally owned guns almost half a year ago so for the next two years I am only allowed to shoot with air pistols or rifles which doesn´t require a permit but at least I can socialize with my dad and brother and greet the other members that is my extend of a social life.
To your question yes I did have a list like watch some old shows like Yugi-Oh, Pokémon and some my old favorite Disney movies plus eating some sushi despite it takes me like 1 hour to eat 15 pieces which has so little calories in them; will this bucket list ever happen I don´t think so as you know with anhedonia there is no drive/motivation to do anything I get no pleasure out of it. But when I drink several times a week I at least go from 0% excitement to 3-5% so a movie will at least be a little entertaining I made a graph of my happiness/excitement throughout my life I have posted a few times to put things into perspective and it´s easy to see the decline in happiness/excitement to the point anhedonia took over it all.
Man I feel this. At this rate I'm gonna ctb before I even do half of what I want just because I can't motivate myself
@TheGoodGuy Hi! Yeah, I get what you mean. And sushi taking ages to eat - that's part of depression and anhedonia - things take ages to do. I guess me Googling how terminally ill patients accept death wasn't such a great idea because they are not making it their choice so they don't have anhedonia like we do.
demuic
Life was a mistake
- Sep 12, 2020
- 1,383
There are things I wish I could do, but know I can't because I physically don't have the will to do them. But official "list."
TheGoodGuy
Visionary
- Aug 27, 2018
- 2,996
I´m sorry it´s not because of anhedonia I have always been a slow eater even before anhedonia due to an undiagnosed throat problem, the doctors don´t know what it is but it takes me 15 minutes just to eat a piece of bread or 20 minutes for a Mc Donalds cheeseburger because I have to chew till the food is liquid or I choke so it takes 3-5 minutes per bite and there is no flavor after the first minute or two so I hate eating. I have also been close to choking to death 5-7 times in my life where my dad saved me with the Heimlich Maneuver I couldn´t even drink liquid to push it down I could just feel the liquid sit on top of the food in my throat and move like my throat was blocked with cement.
I don't have a bucket list either don't have anything to put on it, no motivation, no joy, just nothing.
TheGoodGuy
Visionary
- Aug 27, 2018
- 2,996
No worries, at least you also know the struggles with having to sit for nearly an hour or an hour to finish a meal and know it´s no picnic. I see others complain both in real life and on the internet about having to eat but they just hurry up and eat their meals in 10 minutes or less because they can if they want to which I am very envious of and at some point even hated people for having that ability. Even if I was in a hurry I can´t eat my food faster I will chew faster and clench my fist with anxiety but I simply can´t swallow the food faster. Once I even saw my little brother finish a meal of oats with water in 3 minutes because he was in a hurry I obviously love him but was so envious of him being able to do that while I had to sit for so long to finish the same amount of oats.
Even when I see people's posts about wanting to die watching one last sunset ... I wouldn't even enjoy that. I just want to die in my bed.
262653
Cluesome
- Apr 5, 2018
- 1,733
I googled once "what to do when I don't want to do anything". Got several sets of lists of things to do 
It's like trying to choose a destination point to drive to when I don't have any fuel to drive anywhere.
People call me lazy and undisciplined, but they don't know my experience, and that I'm not feeling motivated to do much. It's like if I would accidentally bump into a stranger, and that person would yell to me "watch where you going, asshole!". And then I might think "what a rude person". That "asshole" phrase is pretty much the only thing I know about that person. Maybe I wouldn't bother to think that that person has his/her own experience, maybe that person went through a rough patch lately. There is so much about that person I don't know, and honestly, why should I care? I have many important things on my mind. What I don't have is time and effort to try and understand the situation of every person I bump into. Sorry, rude person, but your situation is not in my priority list, so I'll attribute your behavior to your ill-tempered personality.
It's like trying to choose a destination point to drive to when I don't have any fuel to drive anywhere.
People call me lazy and undisciplined, but they don't know my experience, and that I'm not feeling motivated to do much. It's like if I would accidentally bump into a stranger, and that person would yell to me "watch where you going, asshole!". And then I might think "what a rude person". That "asshole" phrase is pretty much the only thing I know about that person. Maybe I wouldn't bother to think that that person has his/her own experience, maybe that person went through a rough patch lately. There is so much about that person I don't know, and honestly, why should I care? I have many important things on my mind. What I don't have is time and effort to try and understand the situation of every person I bump into. Sorry, rude person, but your situation is not in my priority list, so I'll attribute your behavior to your ill-tempered personality.
I think perhaps the only last thing I want to do is to make sure I get hanging right the first time. That seems to be my only 'bucket list' thing to do before I CTB at the moment.
SmellyRat
Arcanist
- Nov 5, 2018
- 479
HelloHell
Arcanist
- Dec 26, 2019
- 443
Deleted member 17949
Visionary
- May 9, 2020
- 2,238
I'm not even motivated enough to have a list, though I do find that there are some things I kinda want to do but don't care for enough to try to do.
I thought of one thing I'd like to do but someone else would have to arrange it, carry me to it and put me on. And I'd probably sleep through the whole thing.
Meditation guide
Always was, is, and always shall be.
- Jun 22, 2020
- 6,089
I have the same problem. I may have said this before so if so just ignore it but have you tried taking a 20mg famitidine (Pepcid is the brand but the generic is cheaper) tablet 15 minutes before you eat? These help me with that a lot. I've had to go to the hospital with it it's so bad.
TheGoodGuy
Visionary
- Aug 27, 2018
- 2,996
This post made me go through my closet for a prescription for acid reflux I got almost 2 years ago, I never took any pills but the one I have is Pantroprazol Actavis 40mg but as I´m writing this I just read on the packet that I must not crush the pills they have to be swallowed whole so I remember now that is why I never tried them because I cannot swallow pills; I am currently tapering off Diazepam but I can crush those pills.
But if you can´t swallow food without chewing it a lot how can you swallow the pill? I got a bit excited reading your post which is why I dug this drug out after years of sitting in the back of my closet because I am kind of desperate to try and see if it works, but I doubt it will since it´s not like I have throat burn from acid reflux it´s very mild but I am almost tempted to try and swallow a pill when my dad is here in case I choke.
I just took the first one out to see the size it´s very small which also reminded me how the specialized gastronomic doctor insulted me when I asked how big the pills were and if they were the size of a birth control pill in which he answered "I don´t know I have never taken them before" he said that to my face with a cute nurse beside him after I had explained how bad my throat problem was I really hate doctors they are so arrogant the only doctor I like is my current one I switched to a couple years ago.
Anyways it would be heaven if all it would take to help me eat faster was swallow one pill in the morning I am really tempted to try it soon. I just don´t get why it says on the package that the pill must not be crushed are they acidic and will hurt the throat in the long run? I can´t imagine it´s worse than crushing and swallowing benzos.
