N3UR0T1C
CTB Today
- Jul 13, 2019
- 89
I'm reaching out for some validation and to see if anyone else shares a similar experience.
During my mid to late teen years, I had been very depressed and had attempted suicide a few times. Through this period, I was put on many different psychiatric medications (a few SSRI's, atypical antipsychotics, and anticonvulsants (off label for mood stabilization). I had been essentially medicated for the entire period between 13-17, and things came to a head with a SN suicide attempt when I was 18, which lead to my long-term hospitalization and treatment. When I got out, I truly tried to give life another chance. The medications I was on seemed to be helping, and I started making progress in my life (I found employment, started college, etc.). However, I had been experiencing anhedonia on these medications for essentially the entire time. I decided to get off my medications in order to try to relieve the anhedonia, but it never went away. I truly don't find enjoyment from anything, at least not for more than a fleeting moment. I just feel numb, all of the time. My life isn't even that bad, but these profound feelings of numbness are leading me to the point of seriously wanting to CTB again.
I feel so conflicted, because I hear stories here of people who have far worse lives than me. Life isn't even that bad for me when I look at things objectively, but I truly don't feel like life is worth living when I can't feel anything.
My apologies for the rambling nature of the post. Sorry for cluttering up the forum.
During my mid to late teen years, I had been very depressed and had attempted suicide a few times. Through this period, I was put on many different psychiatric medications (a few SSRI's, atypical antipsychotics, and anticonvulsants (off label for mood stabilization). I had been essentially medicated for the entire period between 13-17, and things came to a head with a SN suicide attempt when I was 18, which lead to my long-term hospitalization and treatment. When I got out, I truly tried to give life another chance. The medications I was on seemed to be helping, and I started making progress in my life (I found employment, started college, etc.). However, I had been experiencing anhedonia on these medications for essentially the entire time. I decided to get off my medications in order to try to relieve the anhedonia, but it never went away. I truly don't find enjoyment from anything, at least not for more than a fleeting moment. I just feel numb, all of the time. My life isn't even that bad, but these profound feelings of numbness are leading me to the point of seriously wanting to CTB again.
I feel so conflicted, because I hear stories here of people who have far worse lives than me. Life isn't even that bad for me when I look at things objectively, but I truly don't feel like life is worth living when I can't feel anything.
My apologies for the rambling nature of the post. Sorry for cluttering up the forum.