ToniFoxGirl!!
Maybe a race to nowhere, still hope that I win
- Aug 20, 2023
- 68
Idk if anyone can relate to this, I'm really hoping others have something meaningful to add to this because it's been stirring in my brain for a while and I need to get it out.
I'm a 24 year old bisexual trans woman, I was a gay man prior to transitioning (tho it was likely I was bi then too and didn't acknowledge it), and when I first came out, I was seeing another trans girl, and so even though my sexuality changed a lot, I was functionally a lesbian and that was fine.
5 months after starting hormones, I had a 'bisexual awakening' and also felt what I would describe as 'girl brain' becoming standard. Prior to this, men had been pretty repulsive and gross to me, and naturally they treated me like shit. But something clicked, and suddenly men were incredibly attractive to me, though I was always very angsty about it. I didn't want to be attracted to men, men subjugate and control and degrade, and the patriarchy + misogyny is largely responsible for the transphobia I deal with often.
Five months after that, I had a much different sexual awakening; before it was more or less strictly sexual attraction, because I was in a happy relationship with the girl of my dreams. She broke up with me, and I had another bisexual awakening, this time was more of yearning for men, not just sexually, but wanting to be a man's woman. And for about two months, I was just absolutely consumed by my own boy crazy thoughts and energy. This lead to me dating a guy for that time period, as well as my current boyfriend. The guy I was dating was very toxic, manipulative, and otherwise mean to me for little cause or reason. I stayed with him for a few months, but after starting injections, he ended up hurting me pretty bad, and it really traumatized me from being able to feel all my old boy crazy feelings and thoughts that I used to really like, and even still like. I want to feel the way I used to and can't.
Now I'm on bisexual awakening three, which is just me pining to be held by a man, and luckily my boyfriend is really nice and sweet, but like, it stills feels hard to connect with him on certain levels because of the trauma of the other guy. I just wanna be held and get headpats and get told I'm being good, and it's hard to do that now.
Idk what I hoped to accomplish with this post, I just needed to tell other people about this and see if I'm not so alone with these feelings. I want to like men, I don't want to be scared of them, I want to have a healthy sexuality, and it's really hard.
I'm a 24 year old bisexual trans woman, I was a gay man prior to transitioning (tho it was likely I was bi then too and didn't acknowledge it), and when I first came out, I was seeing another trans girl, and so even though my sexuality changed a lot, I was functionally a lesbian and that was fine.
5 months after starting hormones, I had a 'bisexual awakening' and also felt what I would describe as 'girl brain' becoming standard. Prior to this, men had been pretty repulsive and gross to me, and naturally they treated me like shit. But something clicked, and suddenly men were incredibly attractive to me, though I was always very angsty about it. I didn't want to be attracted to men, men subjugate and control and degrade, and the patriarchy + misogyny is largely responsible for the transphobia I deal with often.
Five months after that, I had a much different sexual awakening; before it was more or less strictly sexual attraction, because I was in a happy relationship with the girl of my dreams. She broke up with me, and I had another bisexual awakening, this time was more of yearning for men, not just sexually, but wanting to be a man's woman. And for about two months, I was just absolutely consumed by my own boy crazy thoughts and energy. This lead to me dating a guy for that time period, as well as my current boyfriend. The guy I was dating was very toxic, manipulative, and otherwise mean to me for little cause or reason. I stayed with him for a few months, but after starting injections, he ended up hurting me pretty bad, and it really traumatized me from being able to feel all my old boy crazy feelings and thoughts that I used to really like, and even still like. I want to feel the way I used to and can't.
Now I'm on bisexual awakening three, which is just me pining to be held by a man, and luckily my boyfriend is really nice and sweet, but like, it stills feels hard to connect with him on certain levels because of the trauma of the other guy. I just wanna be held and get headpats and get told I'm being good, and it's hard to do that now.
Idk what I hoped to accomplish with this post, I just needed to tell other people about this and see if I'm not so alone with these feelings. I want to like men, I don't want to be scared of them, I want to have a healthy sexuality, and it's really hard.
