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Member
- Dec 8, 2023
- 11
I've been angry for a long time.
Angry at my partner who never cared about my boundaries.
Angry at the world for introducing me to the partner who SAd me.
Angry at the parents who never protected me.
Angry at the world for having to protect and parent my siblings instead of our parents doing it themselves.
Angry at the childhood that was taken from me.
I was angry at this broken world for what it did and let happen to me.
I was angry at god for giving me my broken fate.
And I was angry at myself for not being able to defend myself, for fawning,
for the faults of others, for being born into this broken world.
I wondered sometimes whether my pain saved others from ever experiencing the same.
I wondered what would have happened had my older sibling had been put in my place.
I wondered if I would ever be saved.
And then I wondered how could others hate?
For I only ever felt resentment and resignation in regard to my fate.
I want to hope that it was worth it to live through this pain,
that it's the price to pay for saving someone else,
that it's fate and not merely other peoples badness and hate.
--
I know that I was forced to grow up way to early. I know that it isn't normal to have experienced what I have experienced in my life. I know that it's ok to be queer, no matter what the phobes -within my family- say. I know that I care too much for the bad people in my life, that I am too nice to them instead of hating or fully resenting them. I know that it all never was my fault. And I know that it shouldn't be normal to accept the hurt and make it my own fault.
I would love to hate them all, or at least resent them but I can't because I know of their short-comings and hurts and I can't blame them when it's easier to blame myself. I would love to stop hoping for positive change because I've given so many chances again and again in my life and no matter the promises and vows of change, it never lasted for very long. I know that my hope may be misplaced but I learnt that every person should -in theory- be able to change. I learnt from my grandma to be a warm person but sometimes I wish I had similarities to Gerda (The Snowqueen -H.C. Andersen) -being warm still but holding a bit of coldness (->ice) within my heart.
Sometimes I would love to change places with somebody else. Sometimes I wish I could stop empathizing and trying to understand everyone else.
But then I wouldn't want to put this burden on anyone else.
- Um yeah, sorry for the long text and stuff. just wanted to vent about some thoughts and feelings I had for a long time. hope it doesn't sound too much like a bad poem bc its just easier for me to write and think in a kind of rhythmic pattern :). hope it's not too much tmi or boring or something!
Angry at my partner who never cared about my boundaries.
Angry at the world for introducing me to the partner who SAd me.
Angry at the parents who never protected me.
Angry at the world for having to protect and parent my siblings instead of our parents doing it themselves.
Angry at the childhood that was taken from me.
I was angry at this broken world for what it did and let happen to me.
I was angry at god for giving me my broken fate.
And I was angry at myself for not being able to defend myself, for fawning,
for the faults of others, for being born into this broken world.
I wondered sometimes whether my pain saved others from ever experiencing the same.
I wondered what would have happened had my older sibling had been put in my place.
I wondered if I would ever be saved.
And then I wondered how could others hate?
For I only ever felt resentment and resignation in regard to my fate.
I want to hope that it was worth it to live through this pain,
that it's the price to pay for saving someone else,
that it's fate and not merely other peoples badness and hate.
--
I know that I was forced to grow up way to early. I know that it isn't normal to have experienced what I have experienced in my life. I know that it's ok to be queer, no matter what the phobes -within my family- say. I know that I care too much for the bad people in my life, that I am too nice to them instead of hating or fully resenting them. I know that it all never was my fault. And I know that it shouldn't be normal to accept the hurt and make it my own fault.
I would love to hate them all, or at least resent them but I can't because I know of their short-comings and hurts and I can't blame them when it's easier to blame myself. I would love to stop hoping for positive change because I've given so many chances again and again in my life and no matter the promises and vows of change, it never lasted for very long. I know that my hope may be misplaced but I learnt that every person should -in theory- be able to change. I learnt from my grandma to be a warm person but sometimes I wish I had similarities to Gerda (The Snowqueen -H.C. Andersen) -being warm still but holding a bit of coldness (->ice) within my heart.
Sometimes I would love to change places with somebody else. Sometimes I wish I could stop empathizing and trying to understand everyone else.
But then I wouldn't want to put this burden on anyone else.
- Um yeah, sorry for the long text and stuff. just wanted to vent about some thoughts and feelings I had for a long time. hope it doesn't sound too much like a bad poem bc its just easier for me to write and think in a kind of rhythmic pattern :). hope it's not too much tmi or boring or something!
