Venting Angry to be alive

[wanttodie12345]

Didn't sleep well, woke up sweaty and in pain, couldn't get comfortable. I'm disabled. I'll never work again. The family I thought I built has left me because of my struggles with illness, my origin family is also disabled. I'm the only one that wants to ctb and I have no privacy or access to means.
At this point an unsuccessful attempt that leaves me more disabled might not be a bad thing. Maybe I wouldn't have to spend my days thinking about if I ate the right foods or drank enough water or did the right therapy to keep this meat suit barely functioning. Maybe I'll just check myself in to the psych ward and continually request to be sedated. If they don't comply I'll just bang my head against the wall or hit myself until they do. If I'm that determined to hate myself maybe they'll finally just accidently od me. One can dream, right?

 

[dreamcatcher90]

What is your disability if I may ask?

I want to ctb too. There's always a slight chance that life might become a little bit better, I hope you have some hobbies to occupy your mind with. I like playing online games, gaming keeps me distracted for a while.

I like to read about ctb methods too. Knowing that there is hope to end it all makes my life a bit easier.

 

[wanttodie12345]

What is your disability if I may ask?

I want to ctb too. There's always a slight chance that life might become a little bit better, I hope you have some hobbies to occupy your mind with. I like playing online games, gaming keeps me distracted for a while.

I like to read about ctb methods too. Knowing that there is hope to end it all makes my life a bit easier.

It's multifaceted. Neurological problems, heart problems, gastrointestinal problems, joint problems, mental health problems. But it's nothing considered terminal, just makes your body deteriorate more painfully and quicker than average. I can't drive, can barely prepare my own food, even showering needs careful timing and preparation to avoid passing out. I can't get to my doctors anymore, and they generally just suggest more appointments for testing or imaging that I can't get to and can't afford and is not pleasant.
I've lost all interest in hobbies. I have trouble with my hands and spine that make reading difficult, can't walk more than a few minutes, even sitting to watch TV is painful. And my living conditions! I sleep on an air mattress in the living room because all the other rooms are filled with junk my family avoided dealing with for 20 years. I don't have room for more than my clothing and the phone my ex "graciously" pays for.
But in this society I should be grateful to have a roof over my head and food on the table at all. I'm useless except for the money I spend to eat and stay clothed.
(Thank you for listening to my rant - I hope you understand this anger and despair isn't aimed at you)

 

[dreamcatcher90]

Your situation seems really depressing indeed. I am very sorry you have to deal with all of this.

I hope you will find peace in cbt or an option to improve your life.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm also really tired of suffering in this existence, it's cruel to me how people suffer so much, it must be dreadful what you go through, I really wish it's straightforward to just permanently cease existing. But anyway best wishes.

 

[wanttodie12345]

The more I research the more frustrated and desperate I get. I don't have access to meds recommended by PPH, can't get a gun due to psych ward stay, can't drive to get a tank of inert gas (though I could get argon delivered it looks like that isn't so reliable), there aren't any sturdy and private anchor points in my home. I keep coming back to the meds I do have and a plastic bag. Baclofen, lorazepam, ondansetron. Hydrocodone, but it has Tylenol. Tizanidine. But I've read about how od isn't reliable and suffocation is hard to accomplish. I even looked into insulin overdose, but not sure that would work either (it's said you can get insulin without a script, but it's older styles and I have no idea dosing plus I might have some glucose dysfunction anyway so that seems risky)
I just want out. Death is inevitable and life is suffering. Why won't society allow us to control our own death??

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

The human race is flawed. I pray for an extinction level event.

 

[wanttodie12345]

The human race is flawed. I pray for an extinction level event.

Honestly I've wished for that too, but often feel selfish because not everyonewants to die and there are some pockets of good in this world. Plus I can't think of an event that wouldn't create more suffering in the process of extinction. Global warming is pushing us towards that, but there is so much suffering in the meantime. Space objects aren't realistic, volcanic eruptions wouldn't do it. Hell, not even sure nuclear war would be fast enough for my tastes. Societal collapse is too slow with too much suffering.

 

[wanttodie12345]

Woke myself up by screaming 4 separate times last night. The bad news? It was from dreams of the afterlife after falling asleep with blankets over my head. The good news? No one in the house checked on me, so if I make some weird breathing noises while trying to ctb, maybe no one will notice.

 

[wanttodie12345]

Still angry to be alive. Partly angry that society doesn't allow for peaceful, chosen death. We don't have a "peaceful pill" - even the combo's suggested by the handbook of that name aren't easy to access without assistance. Where is the common person's method to be done with life? I'm not saying it should be over-the-counter access, but it shouldn't require the suffering that goes along with terminal illness to access. Life is a terminal illness!
I wish we could have some kind of "death clinic" - someone wishing to ctb could apply, be accepted quickly, maybe with a 1-2 week "cool off" period during which patients would be offered various forms of therapy, healthcare, social support services etc. If they still wanted to go through with it, then a doctor could either assist in a clinical setting or supervise in the patient's home.

 

[wanttodie12345]

My illness makes it so I risk passing out just from standing up, yet I can't get pressure on my neck enough to pass out on purpose. Fml

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

The more I research the more frustrated and desperate I get. I don't have access to meds recommended by PPH, can't get a gun due to psych ward stay, can't drive to get a tank of inert gas (though I could get argon delivered it looks like that isn't so reliable), there aren't any sturdy and private anchor points in my home. I keep coming back to the meds I do have and a plastic bag. Baclofen, lorazepam, ondansetron. Hydrocodone, but it has Tylenol. Tizanidine. But I've read about how od isn't reliable and suffocation is hard to accomplish. I even looked into insulin overdose, but not sure that would work either (it's said you can get insulin without a script, but it's older styles and I have no idea dosing plus I might have some glucose dysfunction anyway so that seems risky)
I just want out. Death is inevitable and life is suffering. Why won't society allow us to control our own death??

Can someone bring you SN? Can you order it? I guess you said you have no privacy so I guess it's not possible for SN. I'm sorry.

 

[wanttodie12345]

Can someone bring you SN? Can you order it? I guess you said you have no privacy so I guess it's not possible for SN. I'm sorry.

Haven't found a way to order it without a business license. And it sounds like sn should be done somewhere private due to the chance of noises during the process. Honestly, sn doesn't sound like that great a method. I'm currently thinking of night night (though that's turning out harder than I thought) or an od with my meds and a plastic bag over my head (though that sounds noisier and less reliable than night night). Partial or full suspension aren't an option due to privacy and anchor availability. Feels like my purpose in life is to suffer.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

Haven't found a way to order it without a business license. And it sounds like sn should be done somewhere private due to the chance of noises during the process. Honestly, sn doesn't sound like that great a method. I'm currently thinking of night night (though that's turning out harder than I thought) or an od with my meds and a plastic bag over my head (though that sounds noisier and less reliable than night night). Partial or full suspension aren't an option due to privacy and anchor availability. Feels like my purpose in life is to suffer.

I'm going to message you

 

[doneforlife]

Still angry to be alive. Partly angry that society doesn't allow for peaceful, chosen death. We don't have a "peaceful pill" - even the combo's suggested by the handbook of that name aren't easy to access without assistance. Where is the common person's method to be done with life? I'm not saying it should be over-the-counter access, but it shouldn't require the suffering that goes along with terminal illness to access. Life is a terminal illness!
I wish we could have some kind of "death clinic" - someone wishing to ctb could apply, be accepted quickly, maybe with a 1-2 week "cool off" period during which patients would be offered various forms of therapy, healthcare, social support services etc. If they still wanted to go through with it, then a doctor could either assist in a clinical setting or supervise in the patient's home.

This is a good idea. The cool off period can be a bit more. May be 3 months? All kinds of support to be available. This is far better than those call centre helplines with virtually 0 support. A healthy and understanding government and society should follow this approach.

 

[divinemistress36]

Anger is my primary emotion I feel this

 

[wanttodie12345]

Seriously though, why take away our ability to die peacefully when we are done with life? If we have the science to do so, what's wrong with allowing someone to make that choice?
I'm so fed up with psychology telling me to think positive in the face of a bleak future. I'm disabled, unable to support myself - I face a future without anything I hoped for, without the ability to spend money on "self-care", likely unable to house myself sooner than later, already losing access to healthcare. And all they can do is tell me to do some meditation? Lie to myself? I'm not the only person facing these obstacles. To each their own, but I wish I could just be done. I lost the game of life, don't make me drag it out to the bitter end.