kovu
unendlichkeit
- Nov 15, 2021
- 82
Now, each hour of every day appears to have found its predestined place; it works like clockwork. I get up early; I go to work, work, and come home. What then? I cook; I chat a little with my roommate; I cook/read/write/idealise and romanticise (death), and sleep. It's been like this for...seven months now? Of course, it'll change--my mate's leaving after July, and I'll follow suit. Well, what then? I'll find another place; I'll settle; I'll fall into a routine, and I'll be miserable. Notice how this paragraph's dragging along, barely endurable? Yeah, you guessed it.
I've held the same mindset many people hold--as far as I've heard. That it'll get better. In a bit. After this school year, next summer break, maybe? When I graduate, surely. Joining adult life, being my own person and making my own decisions, etc., etc. Same spiel different theme. Sounds stupid and juvenile now. The problem, well...the circumstances were the problem, but even after they've changed, they've turned me into the problem. And wherever I end up, I'll just bring myself along.
I've reached the point where there's no 'It'll get better after this and that event' anymore. Work till your foot's in the grave, and you're too withered for any leftover years. Feels like I'm being overly dramatic, but am I? Asking a biased crowd, I suppose, but everyone else's just as biased. At least here, you can talk about it. So, why did I write this? I don't know; I forgot. It's been three and a half months since I last thought I'd go through with it, and I'm exactly where I was then. Numerous ideas of self-betterment, warmer weather, some actual sun and disposable income, snacks and music and good books later, and I'm still right here.
Why do I have to be here?
I've held the same mindset many people hold--as far as I've heard. That it'll get better. In a bit. After this school year, next summer break, maybe? When I graduate, surely. Joining adult life, being my own person and making my own decisions, etc., etc. Same spiel different theme. Sounds stupid and juvenile now. The problem, well...the circumstances were the problem, but even after they've changed, they've turned me into the problem. And wherever I end up, I'll just bring myself along.
I've reached the point where there's no 'It'll get better after this and that event' anymore. Work till your foot's in the grave, and you're too withered for any leftover years. Feels like I'm being overly dramatic, but am I? Asking a biased crowd, I suppose, but everyone else's just as biased. At least here, you can talk about it. So, why did I write this? I don't know; I forgot. It's been three and a half months since I last thought I'd go through with it, and I'm exactly where I was then. Numerous ideas of self-betterment, warmer weather, some actual sun and disposable income, snacks and music and good books later, and I'm still right here.
Why do I have to be here?
