An intro and reflection on my experience of the site

[AllCatsAreGrey]

I joined the site just a few days ago. (Thanks admin team for the quick approval!) These last few days have been amazing for me in processing my feelings on CBT. I'm 44 and have attempted 4 times, 3 of those times led to hospital stays. Ideation is something that is perennial for me. When I was younger I was 100% convinced I wouldn't make it to 20. A part of me is pretty sure it will be my end.

In the weeks before finding the site I was suffering a lot with ideation. It was scaring me - having been down that road before. I've even been discussing it with my therapist and recently got on an antidepressant for the first time.

When I found the site I was excited and kind of nervous. As if having info and being exposed to open conversations would "push me over the edge". The actual impact of the site on me has been surprisingly different.

For the first time in a long time I feel more calm around the subject of CBT. This is even after reading threads on my preferred method - filling in the gaps of my understanding. I feel the big thing has been confronting the shame I feel around the topic. CBT is so taboo and looked down upon. The open talk here has done wonders around that for me.

Connected to this is a lessoning of the fear that I will loose control over the impulse. For me this has been through reexamining how I feel about CBT on a philosophical and ethical level. I definitely feel it's a basic right of autonomy. It's always a personal choice and I will honor the choice of others.

In it being a constantly available and valid choice, there is the reflexive choice to live (which I'm currently working on cultivating). I'm kind of amazed by how acknowledging and honoring the choice to CBT it has highlighted the active choice to live at this time. Looking at this in this way has made my feelings around it more rational and less immediately pressing. (Watching docs on Exit Australia really was a big inspiration in this regard.)

It makes me think of the Camus quote about life being literally that which makes us not kill ourself. Currently I have a few things that's stopping me. In times past I've been resentful of these things holding me back. Presently I've been thinking about how they come up as reasons because they're important to me, which helps in my appreciation of more things in life.

I acknowledge that this feeling may shift (and often does). As I mentioned, I still feel it may actually be my final choice, but I don't feel it's something to be scared of. In my own potential plans I am holding to, if it does come to that, it needs to be rational and thought out.

(Again, I respect others and whatever parameters they form their choice on.)

I want to thank you all. I feel I have made more progress in my recovery in the last few days than several months of therapy on the topic. Whenever speaking with a therapist I could never be honest. I could never share I have a draft method and am researching. Not for immediate application, but to know it's there if I feel it's the choice I want to make. There's always a threat of intervention if I shared too much.

 

[dazed_dreamer]

I've never thought about it like that, how acknowledging CBT as real and valid choice reinforces the decision to choose to live. Rather than running from the ideation, from thinking it's wrong, weak, a sign of brokenness, anything else. It's empowering to think "Yes, the urge is there, and it's legitimate, but I choose not to act on it." I've used this sort of logic with other mental health issues such as social anxiety, but not for suicidality. I think that may connect to how the current therapeutic model is too scared to touch real suicidal ideation and planning, which is a huge shame. I'm glad you've found a space to freely share here, and how that's led to major progress in your recovery. I have a similar experience of catharsis, and I think many other users do as well. I wish you nothing but the best