Deleted member 17331
The swan sang with a broken neck
- Apr 21, 2020
- 376
I have disappeared for a while, and tried to think clearly. I needed time to think about what to do with all of this, I didn't want to just die without feeling useful in my life. But that is not possible, especially when I am reminded by my mother of the useless and despicable I am every day, even when I did my best.
Have been walking the streets, looking for some way out... I went to the hospital, sought help, cried and said where it hurt and they just gave me medications. Doctors and nurses said they were there to help me, but I heard their laughter and judgments.
I said to the doctor, "My mom told me to disappear, she says this every day, I have nowhere to go", and he said with a smile "It's silly, parents will always love their children, come home".
What home?
It's funny how people make superstitions without knowing your story or at least letting you tell it.
A while ago, in my childhood, I came back from my grandparents' house feeling strange, Mom realized and asked what happened, Grandpa had sexually abused me. And guess what... Mom only went to tell my dad, who started calling me a lying slut, and I think Mom believed him.
Damn it, why didn't she take me to the hospital? Why didn't she take me for medical tests, or at least hug me? After all this, they acted as if nothing had happened, despite the fact that Dad started cursing and hitting me more often.
Is that love, doctor?
Tried to push myself and try to believe in the last few days, but no matter where I ran, I could only see pain, apathy and misery.
Humans cannot be human...
I wanted to live, but I don't see anything beautiful in the world outside. All of that is hate and self-destruction.
I realized that I am not afraid of death, I am afraid of everything I see every day. In my house, and on the streets...
Tired of trying.
Don't know what to do, but I know when to do it.
I will be preparing the preparations for ctb for a while, will be more present here.
Would like to apologize for leaving without leaving news, I felt weak even to type.
Thank you for all your support and caring
Have been walking the streets, looking for some way out... I went to the hospital, sought help, cried and said where it hurt and they just gave me medications. Doctors and nurses said they were there to help me, but I heard their laughter and judgments.
I said to the doctor, "My mom told me to disappear, she says this every day, I have nowhere to go", and he said with a smile "It's silly, parents will always love their children, come home".
What home?
It's funny how people make superstitions without knowing your story or at least letting you tell it.
A while ago, in my childhood, I came back from my grandparents' house feeling strange, Mom realized and asked what happened, Grandpa had sexually abused me. And guess what... Mom only went to tell my dad, who started calling me a lying slut, and I think Mom believed him.
Damn it, why didn't she take me to the hospital? Why didn't she take me for medical tests, or at least hug me? After all this, they acted as if nothing had happened, despite the fact that Dad started cursing and hitting me more often.
Is that love, doctor?
Tried to push myself and try to believe in the last few days, but no matter where I ran, I could only see pain, apathy and misery.
Humans cannot be human...
I wanted to live, but I don't see anything beautiful in the world outside. All of that is hate and self-destruction.
I realized that I am not afraid of death, I am afraid of everything I see every day. In my house, and on the streets...
Tired of trying.
Don't know what to do, but I know when to do it.
I will be preparing the preparations for ctb for a while, will be more present here.
Would like to apologize for leaving without leaving news, I felt weak even to type.
Thank you for all your support and caring
