First, the reasons: Over the course of my life I've made a couple of very bad financial decisions and now after being a millionaire twice -- once from a lucrative career that I quit about 15 years ago for another career path that failed and once from crypto investments that multiplied my money 100x during COVID then collapsed suddenly to essentially zero -- I'm deeply in debt, relegated to doing gig food delivery that isn't making ends meet, and facing homelessness. I'm also deathly afraid of near-term extinction by nuclear war or artificial general intelligence (my p(doom) is about 50%), with climate change being a distant third. I'm also a drug addict whose multi-year sobriety ended in despair when Russia invaded Ukraine and suddenly nuclear war was very much a probability (and even if it's not Russia alone, it will be some combination of China, Russia, Iran, and North Korea). I'm nearly 50(!) and have been living with relatives the past seven years because of my financial situation, even as my assets' value was nearing $1 million because I didn't want to touch my investments so as to let them keep accruing. (Then there is also a lot of guilt because family and friends invested with me and I failed to cash in on our temporary good fortune and have zero returns for them when I could have provided them with 100x returns.) And now for the past 18 months the relatives I live with have been following me absolutely everywhere --including when I'm out doing deliveries-- to make sure I don't buy and use drugs, so on top of losing major fortunes twice in my life and my fear of extinction, I have to deal with that hassle and humiliation.
Now, the solution: I crave freedom from living in this shitty situation of guilt, regret, fear, and poverty, but I want to go out after having one last major drug binge. Anyone who has known the euphoria of either properly dosed stimulants or opiates (not the stepped on crap that pervades most markets) will understand: That euphoria is life-changing and life-defining. If the downsides of addiction and particularly of prohibition can be avoided because one is going to die anyway. either by disease, natural causes, or CBT, then drug-induced euphoria followed by the oblivion of an overdose is absolutely the way to go. I only started using again after years of sobriety because I was suddenly broke and convinced the world was going to end in nuclear fire. If I hadn't have gone broke, I would have been using my fortune on drugs anyway in anticipation of extinction. Ideally I would have been able to afford living on my own, remaining high as a kite the whole time, with a fatal dose of heroin and/or fentanyl ready for when news came in that Russian or Chinese or North Korean ICBMs were on their way.
Now I have just enough credit available left for a few nights in a cheap motel and cash advances for a couple of days of crack (I've only ever found good coke in South America, but good or great crack can actually be found in various parts of the U.S., even where the "coke" is crap) and heroin. I'm actually a cocaine, crack, Adderall, and meth veteran, but a total opiate virgin. So I figure I'm a good candidate for heroin and/or fentanyl fatal overdose, especially if they are used on top of powerful stimulants. From what I can tell, there is simply no more peaceful way to go than the sudden blackout followed by respiratory depression that powerful opiates can induce. What I'm afraid of is the possible nausea and vomiting that could be brought on by a fatal dose. (My understanding is that nausea and vomiting could actually happen at any dose.) There is also the fear that it simply won't work the first time, and I can really afford just the one attempt, with bankruptcy and homelessness on the other side of the attempt. I live in the U.S., and most local shopping centers have a gun store, so purchasing a gun is an option, but that would take several hundred dollars away from my drug-binge budget, and I'm not sure I could go through with that sort of violence to myself at the end of my binge. I know the violence of the ending is more or less directly proportional to effectiveness, but I'm still set on going out with crack followed by fentanyl-laced heroin.
In order to go through with my plan for a motel room followed by a binge and overdose, I'd have to literally escape from my house in an Uber while no one was paying attention. The other adults here either work from home or are retired so someone is always around, and one of the retirees accompanies me in the car during my gig delivery work hours. If I escape to use drugs, then I am effectively immediately evicted and will have no place to return to. But I pay room and board in order to remain living here and am running out of money and will likely be evicted anyway. So homelessness and debt --after two real chances at a very comfortable retirement with nearly $1 million-- are simply in the cards, no matter what. And following that, nuclear holocaust. Death by sudden nuclear total body disruption is scary enough, but odds are also good that one would survive the incineration of the blast and instead be trapped under rubble with no hope of rescue, horribly burned yet still living, dying in nausea and pain due to radiation poisoning, or slowly starving to death in a nuclear winter.
I tried to keep this short, but it turned out to be quite a wall of text. If you got through all of it, thanks for your time.
Now, the solution: I crave freedom from living in this shitty situation of guilt, regret, fear, and poverty, but I want to go out after having one last major drug binge. Anyone who has known the euphoria of either properly dosed stimulants or opiates (not the stepped on crap that pervades most markets) will understand: That euphoria is life-changing and life-defining. If the downsides of addiction and particularly of prohibition can be avoided because one is going to die anyway. either by disease, natural causes, or CBT, then drug-induced euphoria followed by the oblivion of an overdose is absolutely the way to go. I only started using again after years of sobriety because I was suddenly broke and convinced the world was going to end in nuclear fire. If I hadn't have gone broke, I would have been using my fortune on drugs anyway in anticipation of extinction. Ideally I would have been able to afford living on my own, remaining high as a kite the whole time, with a fatal dose of heroin and/or fentanyl ready for when news came in that Russian or Chinese or North Korean ICBMs were on their way.
Now I have just enough credit available left for a few nights in a cheap motel and cash advances for a couple of days of crack (I've only ever found good coke in South America, but good or great crack can actually be found in various parts of the U.S., even where the "coke" is crap) and heroin. I'm actually a cocaine, crack, Adderall, and meth veteran, but a total opiate virgin. So I figure I'm a good candidate for heroin and/or fentanyl fatal overdose, especially if they are used on top of powerful stimulants. From what I can tell, there is simply no more peaceful way to go than the sudden blackout followed by respiratory depression that powerful opiates can induce. What I'm afraid of is the possible nausea and vomiting that could be brought on by a fatal dose. (My understanding is that nausea and vomiting could actually happen at any dose.) There is also the fear that it simply won't work the first time, and I can really afford just the one attempt, with bankruptcy and homelessness on the other side of the attempt. I live in the U.S., and most local shopping centers have a gun store, so purchasing a gun is an option, but that would take several hundred dollars away from my drug-binge budget, and I'm not sure I could go through with that sort of violence to myself at the end of my binge. I know the violence of the ending is more or less directly proportional to effectiveness, but I'm still set on going out with crack followed by fentanyl-laced heroin.
In order to go through with my plan for a motel room followed by a binge and overdose, I'd have to literally escape from my house in an Uber while no one was paying attention. The other adults here either work from home or are retired so someone is always around, and one of the retirees accompanies me in the car during my gig delivery work hours. If I escape to use drugs, then I am effectively immediately evicted and will have no place to return to. But I pay room and board in order to remain living here and am running out of money and will likely be evicted anyway. So homelessness and debt --after two real chances at a very comfortable retirement with nearly $1 million-- are simply in the cards, no matter what. And following that, nuclear holocaust. Death by sudden nuclear total body disruption is scary enough, but odds are also good that one would survive the incineration of the blast and instead be trapped under rubble with no hope of rescue, horribly burned yet still living, dying in nausea and pain due to radiation poisoning, or slowly starving to death in a nuclear winter.
I tried to keep this short, but it turned out to be quite a wall of text. If you got through all of it, thanks for your time.
