Venting Ambivalent About Dying Now, Wish I Had Killed Myself Years Ago

[Celerity]

I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up, but I can't bring myself to end my life. My feelings are closer to "meh" than agony.

Six years ago, I had the will and was in the process of securing the means.

It's almost like I wish my life would get that bad again so that I can finally reach the end of this long wait.

 

[lopsidedcrawdad1]

I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up, but I can't bring myself to end my life. My feelings are closer to "meh" than agony.

Six years ago, I had the will and was in the process of securing the means.

It's almost like I wish my life would get that bad again so that I can finally reach the end of this long wait.

Same here. 6 months ago I had the will to do it and decided to go stay in the psych ward instead. Worst decision ever.

 

[Celerity]

Same here. 6 months ago I had the will to do it and decided to go stay in the psych ward instead. Worst decision ever.

I'm sorry. I have heard so few actually benefit from that place even outside this website. Was there a definitive factor that made you decide to do it? How did they treat you?

 

[Sleeper System]

Living longer doesn't help the situation when you start from the prospective of wanting to seriously end your life because of life itself.
As time passes, i'm finding my depression hitting much harder when it occurs and it makes me think why didn't I end this sooner.
The truth for me is that Ive never been a better position to ctb than right now and i'm not motivated enough to actually try because it's not rock bottom.

 

[lopsidedcrawdad1]

I'm sorry. I have heard so few actually benefit from that place even outside this website. Was there a definitive factor that made you decide to do it? How did they treat you?

I decided to go because I was waiting on a background check for a shotgun so couldnt really kill myself and was in so much pain I was desperate to try anything. It definitely helped in the short term which is its purpose. I was treated great there.

 

[Celerity]

I decided to go because I was waiting on a background check for a shotgun so couldnt really kill myself and was in so much pain I was desperate to try anything. It definitely helped in the short term which is its purpose. I was treated great there.

I'm glad it sounds to have gone much better than I imagined. So you are speaking to the fact that it had no staying power?

 

[AInilam]

Felt, I failed my last attempt and had my SN confiscated before I could use it. Reaaalllly regretting it now that sources are so scarce. Might have to resort to desperate measures that're more painful/uncomfortable for me--as the method I had set out to replace it is a no-go.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I too wish I had capitalized on the a couple of chances in the past that I was on the verge of dying. I think the regret reaches it's highest levels in the 40s, which is how old I am. This is the age that you really start to realize that it's never going to get better (it actually gets exponentially worse with every passing year), you're now pretty much too old to do anything about it, and you have to stomach the thought of suffering through a couple more empty decades knowing like this.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It would definitely be easier to summon the necessary resolve if things were acutely terrible as they used to be.

 

[lopsidedcrawdad1]

I'm glad it sounds to have gone much better than I imagined. So you are speaking to the fact that it had no staying power?

It doesnt and its not really supposed to. Thats what therapy and anti depressants are for. Its just meant to keep you safe for a short amount of time.

 

[woundedanimal]

I feel similar but I feel like I'm too anxious about responsibilities I'd leave behind. I wish I had done it before I was old enough to have a life and a significant other and bills and shit. Like I'm too tied down. I wish I could just die already but as much as I want to do something about it, it's like... I just can't make myself do it. Because, I work tomorrow, and it's Christmas and I don't want to inconvenience anyone on the holidays or make them associate the day with *dramatic arm waving* ~My LiTtLe AcCiDeNt~
*Eyeroll*
I've tried so many times before but I just get more physically and mentally destroyed and guilt tripped each time to the point where I just dont have the energy to try again and instead I just scream internally and call hotlines to get hung up on or hear them say there's nothing they can suggest. It's a miserable and pointless loop that starts again every time I wake up.
Why can't people just will their own hearts to just stop?