Ambivalence

[Eudaimonic]

I feel hopelessly lethargic. On the one hand, I want to end it, but I don't have the mental or physical energy to plan and acquire the means to do so. On the other hand, however, I sort of wish I didn't have to because I'm scared of failing and afraid there's something worse after this; the notion that consciousness may be nonphysical and persist postmortem in some form terrifies me to the core. But I feel I have no other choice--I've wrecked my life beyond repair, and I can't bear to live in this body and with this mind for decades to come. The best-case scenario is still deeply unsatisfying to contemplate and would require an inordinate amount of time and effort to achieve. I occasionally reason that I should stick around to achieve it, but objectively speaking I'm better off killing myself instead. I feel guilty imagining how this would affect my family. I feel trapped with no way out. Every day is monotonous. I am in a perpetual cycle with the same thought loops, and I am tormented by my myriad obsessions and constant worries. I feel like a husk of a person.

 

[chesterfield]

i feel the exact same way. especially in the mornings. rn im panicking again cause i need to find a way out but i cant. cant even make myself eat. want to leave but am so afraid of failing or SI kicking in. everyday i wake up thinking about train tracks since i see no other option for myself. and at the same time i cant make myself even go find a good spot. i read about every possible method but nothing seems to be realistic for me. i am ata point where i wouldnt even care about the trauma caused to the train operator anymore which in itself makes me sad in a way. only thing is that i dont feel any emotions anymore. cant even cry.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I'm there too.
Constant intrusive thoughts, completely bored and horrified by life.
Feeling trapped with ctb as the only way out.
I hate waking up because a wave of panic hits me that I'm still alive and have to endure another day of pointless, meaningless existence filled with dread.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that it's dreadful and tiring feeling so trapped here, it must be awful what you go through, existence really is too cruel. But anyway best wishes.

 

[tiger b]

I definitely relate on the lethargy front - I relate in most fronts. I feel like I need an energy transfusion to participate in a pointless game!

It feels far better to sit on the couch watching the clouds drift by, as aimlessly as the people do in the streets below it.

Winter is here