Venting am thinking of committing

[feverishdream]

I have two children who are still very young. They are the only reason why I'm still here. I have mental health issues that I'm not diagnosed for but I know I'm definitely not "normal". I have a bad history of self harming and substance abusing pills and alcohol (though I've been clean for a year now) and I'm afraid that I might start doing it again. I've been thinking about it often. I've been very unhappy in my relationship with my boyfriend (who is the father of both our kids). He has cheated on me multiple times when I was pregnant with our first child and even after. He hasn't done anything in a year now and has shown significant improvement in trying to fix our relationship though. But I still hold so much resentment towards him. I don't know why I stayed. I suffered from extreme postpartum depression and that is when I started substance abusing sleeping pills. I got pregnant a second time because he couldn't take no for an answer.

Last night I talked to him about breaking up and co-parenting and he r*ped me because I was "treating his efforts as a joke so he was going to treat me like a joke". Today, he told me to take back what I said and I told him no. So he r*ped me again and made sure to finish in me. I'm only 5 weeks postpartum from my second baby. I'm in pain. And I'm terrified of getting pregnant again. Abortion is going to be illegal very soon where I live.

I think I'm going to kill myself if I find out I am pregnant again. Maybe it's just the postpartum depression talking but I don't know. I'm hesitant though because I don't want to leave my children but I feel so hopeless.

I may not even read what anyone has to say because I feel ashamed for even thinking of suicide when I have children.

 

[halleyscomet]

You are not a bad person or mother for having suicidal feelings. These thoughts don't disappear once you have children. But it puts you in a unique situation, you are responsible for your children's lives. I can't imagine how trapped and upset you must feel. You've been through so much, I'm so sorry you've gotten to this point.

Whatever you decide, I hope you can find a safe place for you and your children, I hope you can find some peace.

 

[HerculePoirot]

Obviously, the person to be punished is not you but the father of your kids. Same sentence, different culprit.

 

[DavidInternet]

I think you need to leave him. There are organisations that can help. If you're in the UK, there's a charity called Refuge for women and children fleeing an abuser. The details are here: https://refuge.org.uk/