Venting Am I wrong to feel unloved?

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

As time goes on I can't help but feel more and more unloved and unappreciated by my partner. Recently after a failed ctb attempt he threatened to kick me out, in fear of what his family would think and not wanting to be inconsiderate of their wishes.

My bf makes quite a lot of money at a low stress currently remote job, and pays no bills currently. In spite of this, my bf says I must go to university currently rather than quit and find a part time job. We have been together for around 2 years now, and he expressed wanting a serious commitment in the past.

However, he won't commit to that now and says I have to wait until I am graduated in spite of the great difficulty I am facing with uni due to my multiple disabilities. I always feel like there's a carrot being dangled over my head, because we cannot have a life together currently due to that crucial piece of the puzzle- I have no citizenship.

I can't help but feel like he doesn't care, every time I bring up this topic he says that I'm trying to pressure him, but I really hate university and its causing a substantial amount of stress, financial cost and pain to me.

For context, I've had to drop out of a different degree once before due to being ill. Now if I want to work in that field (part time of course) I would have to start a programming portfolio on my own time, on top of being in university doing an entirely different degree. I have no energy to do my degree, much less extra study. My degree will start having a lot of in person components next year, and I'm not prepared to handle it due to chronic pain.

I didn't want to go to uni, but I felt pressured to because there was no other way for me to do anything, since the area I was born in is too damn poor with absolutely no jobs in the vicinity, and I can't get disability benefits. I spoke to my uni, and I am not allowed to change degrees either.

My bf is always saying I made this choice and to take responsibility for my actions, but he cornered me into this because he wouldn't commit to being my partner at the time, and told me I couldn't just stay with my one living family member, doing nothing.

I have begged and pleaded with him to please let me drop out of uni because my cognitive ability has taken a serious downturn due to CFS. He doesn't listen. My bf seems to be obsessed with following the life script in spite or being autistic himself. He wants to be as normal as possible I feel like, and I'm a barrier to this due to being disabled and limited in what I can do.

He knows I'm reliant on him, and often brings that up as if to show me how screwed I am. Sometimes I can't help but feel frustration and pain when my bf doesn't help me. Right now because we are temporarily living together, he takes care of me by purchasing groceries and other household stuff, but he won't help me pay any of my tuition fees or rent. Which I don't expect him to. It just hurts because no where will hire me due to being disabled and limited in the amount of hours I can work, while my bf gets to sit at home maybe fill out a spreadsheet a day, will eventually make 6 figures, then won't help me.

I've expressed guilt that I've ruined my bfs life goal of buying fancy property and amassing tons of wealth. Sometimes he is loving, caring, and doting, and sometimes he takes on this attitude that I've caused my own misery. I can't help being disabled. I've tried everything available to me for chronic pain. My course mates don't like me, and even getting on these dumb zoom calls for uni sends me spiraling in anxiety due to autism.

Why do I feel so gross and unloved? I feel like a failure, like everyone is ashamed of me and I never be good enough. I want to work part time and do chores around the house to be useful, instead I'm stuck pulling my hair out and wanting to cry all the time cause I'm trapped at a university that I hate.

It feels like someone who loves me would not do this, would not try to normiefy me and force me into things that are clearly making my life worse.

 

[Shadowrider]

Not your fault.
If yourbf is so unloving and obviously abusive, no wonder you feel unloved. He seems to be taking advantage of your situation. My impression is that he manipulates you. This altering between being nice and blaming you for your problems _is_ abuse of the manipulating kind.

 

[Blue Rose]

I am sorry to hear your story and sorry to have little words and experience in my life.
But I would like to say, your intuition is NOT wrong. In some critical situation, I feel that my intuition is right.

On third's view, I think there is a serious problem with your bf.
Maybe he had blocked your all tries to talk with him earnestly.

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

From what you've said it doesn't sound as if your boyfriend is good for you. You need to focus on your needs and what is best for you. Living life as others dictate will always leave you wanting.
You deserve better. i hope you're able to find a way to change and improve your situation.

 

[WornOutLife]

I know you love him but, what a jerk he is!
He has such a great person by his side and can't live life to the fullest with her: YOU.

Just keep on talking and explaining to him the things that bother you. His "complaints" are kinda unfair.

I would feel unloved too.

Hope your relationship improves somehow soon.

Hugs and love,

マット​

 

[262653]

I don't think you're wrong to feel what you feel. Or that anyone is wrong to feel what one feels, come to think of it. I've already mentioned the dog tied to the truck. I think healing and basic maintenance have to be the top priority. It affects how capable we are at handling everything else. First comes the fuel, then comes the motion, or whatever the car is capable of performing.

I'd wager that your boyfriend's unreasonable expectations towards you are born of ignorance, not malice. If I had to prove my point, I'd try to do it with analogies. If I had to present a concept unfamiliar to another person, I'd try to compare it with something they are familiar with.

 

[Symbiote]

Not your fault, considering that your own living environment is toxic with it itself and may partly be a cause to all the issues you've been having. Also your boyfriend is a controlling jackass that has made you reliant on him. He gets a narcissistic kick out of it I guess. I know you have disabilities and such, do you have family you can go to? Other friends? Or social services to help you get back on your feet again?

 

[Makko]

He seems to be one of those types who expects his partner to be autonomous and pull her own weight financially, otherwise he will feel that he's being ripped off. This isn't unfair in itself (these days) but it also means he might not be a match for you. You need someone who is fine with a more traditional housewife setup because from what you describe, this guy will not be, and this isn't something that tends to change over time.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Not your fault, considering that your own living environment is toxic with it itself and may partly be a cause to all the issues you've been having. Also your boyfriend is a controlling jackass that has made you reliant on him. He gets a narcissistic kick out of it I guess. I know you have disabilities and such, do you have family you can go to? Other friends? Or social services to help you get back on your feet again?

Nope most of my family is dead and I don't really have any friends, I have some casual friends at uni but I'm not super close with them and they don't really understand the extent to which I'm disabled/can't understand why I don't just go off on my own. It's major wank.

He seems to be one of those types who expects his partner to be autonomous and pull her own weight financially, otherwise he will feel that he's being ripped off. This isn't unfair in itself (these days) but it also means he might not be a match for you. You need someone who is fine with a more traditional housewife setup because from what you describe, this guy will not be, and this isn't something that tends to change over time.

I agree with you, except I do want to work, as much as I am able to and he knows this. I just think that it would be better for me to try for a degree later when it is less expensive, and I can pull more weight by working part time now. My bf just seems to be obsessed with life script and thinks if you don't get a degree that you're a failure, when my degree is unlikely to assist in me getting employed as microbiology/lab type jobs are scarce and I doubt they would accommodate me for being unable to work 8 hours a day.

 

[Life sucks]

No you are not wrong.

If he is close and still doesn't care or understand about your pain and disabilities, then its clearly abuse. People tend to control or abuse others when they have no options left. Forcing you to do something is wrong and its cruel also specially how you suffer from many problems and disabilities.

I'm sorry that happened to you. But remember you are not the wrong one, its life and humans.