am i sick?

[popwhat]

once i read that suicide doesnt end the pain it passes it to someone else but i dont want to pass the pain i want to leave with all of it, thats the point.

my brain constantly brings up leaving everything behind and planning on it.

wants me to start working on helping my loved ones accept it and tell them that the life still there for them and they have to move on after me.

convinces me to donate my organs so when im gone some parts of me can help others to live their lives and achieve what they are seeking. that way my loved ones would know and find peace.

when my plans get real i invite friends over to stay the night. when there are people around i know they would stop me if anything happens because i dont want to leave too early without making them accept it.

feels like its a sickness and there is a war going on in me because a part of me still putting a fight. weak but still.

i refuse medical treatment i dont want plastic happiness.

psychologists are all seem fake and untrustworthy.

i dont know what to do.

everynight i find myself searching through the ways of leaving.

every morning i wake up in anger for being alive.

is my brain sick?

 

[Rachel74]

once i read that suicide doesnt end the pain it passes it to someone else but i dont want to pass the pain i want to leave with all of it, thats the point.

my brain constantly brings up leaving everything behind and planning on it.

wants me to start working on helping my loved ones accept it and tell them that the life still there for them and they have to move on after me.

convinces me to donate my organs so when im gone some parts of me can help others to live their lives and achieve what they are seeking. that way my loved ones would know and find peace.

when my plans get real i invite friends over to stay the night. when there are people around i know they would stop me if anything happens because i dont want to leave too early without making them accept it.

feels like its a sickness and there is a war going on in me because a part of me still putting a fight. weak but still.

i refuse medical treatment i dont want plastic happiness.

psychologists are all seem fake and untrustworthy.

i dont know what to do.

everynight i find myself searching through the ways of leaving.

every morning i wake up in anger for being alive.

is my brain sick?

You on medication?

 

[popwhat]

im not. people want me to but i dont want to poison myself with fake emotions that dont belong to me and dont have a source that is meaningful. when i first attempted on leaving around 17 i opened my eyes in hospital and a social worker advised me to seek professional help thats when i realized i cant trust a so called "professional". their face is just giving it all. they look at you like they are seeing another lunatic i dont like that. three years ago when i was 20 i sought help because i was afraid of my suicidal thoughts and after what i told them they replied with im a great danger to myself and need to be locked down under their maintenance. i dont want that. i want this feelings and traumatic experiences to go but i dont want to be treated like a subject that is ready to swallow their happiness pills
plus im tired of putting a normal face and live the rest. i just wanna rest

 

[BlueWidow]

once i read that suicide doesnt end the pain it passes it to someone else but i dont want to pass the pain i want to leave with all of it,

This sounds like one of those things that a pro lifer tells you to try to make you feel bad about daring to take your own life and free yourself from your pain. I don't buy it.
And if it's true and my pain does get transferred to someone else after I die, I hope I get to choose who it gets transferred to.

 

[popwhat]

i didnt believe that either before my first unsuccessful event. after when i saw how desperate she became while staying with me at the hospital and in the following years. i stayed there for three days. first two of them i was semi unconscious due to the antidepressants i took they didn't manage to get them out of my system before they all got into my bloodstream so yeah. first two days i barely remember what really happened only the sound of her sobbing beside me. and the first words of not to leave her alone when she was trying to make me stay conscious. third day on my last day that stupid conversation happened with the woman who had an angelic voice asking me why i did it and would i do it again i said no i would never do it again. because i knew they would treat me like im a crazy person if i would tell them the truth and would bring me to a psych ward or smth. after some visits to hospitals psychiatrics they let me out. my mom decided send me to my uncles who is living high standarts with his wife and two children thinking i needed some time off. like tasting these high life or changing cities would lose my track and all this pain and suffering of my past traumas would never find me. that was a dumb decision to make but i cant lie, it worked. not that it healed anything but it helped me to delay my leaving. me and my mom are too close because her, my twin brother and i were all alone in this life and the only thing we had was each other im hundred percent sure that she will be in so much pain when i leave. but i also know that she is a strong woman and thats what i loved in her the most so she can handle it after some time. she is not like me. anyways after these years past every year this feeling of ending this once and for all got really stronger and the part of me is kinda tired of putting this fight. for the last two weeks im in my deepest darkest place that ive never been. i started to actually plan out what im going to do and how because i know that the time will come sooner or later and that part of me who thinks of others will die out and i will be gone