am I selfish?

[boredtodeath]

My depression has reached a point where I cant be bothered getting up in the mornings. because of this I've been missing so many classes and tbh I'm not even sure I'll pass the year. This week has been particularly shit and today I just started crying. Told my mum that I was starting to feel hopeless and that life wasn't worth living. She exploded on me. Said I had nothing to be depressed about, that I could just be stricter with myself and 'force myself to get up in the mornings'. She basically called me pathetic and said everything thats going wrong with my life is my fault because I spend all my time 'wallowing in self pity' instead of just toughening up and going about my life.

I know it was cruel to tell my own mother about my suicidal thoughts but was she wrong in what she said? I dont know what to think anymore

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Your mom did what a lot of people do, defined you for yourself, quite harshly. I doubt she has much self-compassion.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's real.

Were you being cruel, or were you seeking support from someone you love and from whom you seek love? If it's the latter, that's not selfish.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Said I had nothing to be depressed about

She cannot possibly know this unless she has actually lived your life as you up to this point, which I think is about as likely as a Boltzmann brain spontaneously forming in a quantum void.

Told my mum that I was starting to feel hopeless and that life wasn't worth living

She could have chosen that moment to have a real conversation with you, to try to understand where you're coming from with openness and without judgement.
Instead she chose to impose her will and outlook on life on you unilaterally and by diktat.

I think you were absolutely right to tell her what you really feel. But her response was unfeelingly dismissive of your own subjective experience of the world.
A lot of people are like that and it's a shame. Instead of listening they judge.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

She cannot possibly know this unless she has actually lived your life as you up to this point, which I think is about as likely as a Boltzmann brain spontaneously forming in a quantum void.

That's exactly what I was thinking...until Boltzmann.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

That's exactly what I was thinking...until Boltzmann.

lol I don't know why I added that. I've been reading a lot about weird mind-bending physics thought experiments recently, so for some reason I've been using every opportunity to insert them randomly into conversations. I have a very fulfilling life.

 

[Eren]

I think your mother was honestly not very empathetic. This has also happened to me many times with my mother.

People without depression rarely understand how hard it is to feel this way.

 

[IrRegularjoe]

My depression has reached a point where I cant be bothered getting up in the mornings. because of this I've been missing so many classes and tbh I'm not even sure I'll pass the year. This week has been particularly shit and today I just started crying. Told my mum that I was starting to feel hopeless and that life wasn't worth living. She exploded on me. Said I had nothing to be depressed about, that I could just be stricter with myself and 'force myself to get up in the mornings'. She basically called me pathetic and said everything thats going wrong with my life is my fault because I spend all my time 'wallowing in self pity' instead of just toughening up and going about my life.

I know it was cruel to tell my own mother about my suicidal thoughts but was she wrong in what she said? I dont know what to think anymore

I don't think it's cruel at all to tell your parents about suicidal thoughts. That would be the first person I would tell. They are your family and it's easier to understand when you share your feelings. Instead of letting it build inside.
I don't know the entire situation. But perhaps her view of you is different than how you feel. I wouldn't like to be told the things she said. But I can only imagine that maybe there is denial. Or she thinks telling you to get out of bed will make it go away. I guess that would be tough love. I don't believe in tough love, but I know some people do.

 

[softfuzzyman]

My dad's opinion is also that I should just be able to force myself to snap out of it and be better, and just "unfuck myself"... to people like this they will always view mental illness as our own fault. I think that kind of opinion is absolutely cruel, heartless, and inhumane, as this leads to the most intense hopelessness and feeling completely alone and guilt ridden. I feel like I should be able to just get better on my own like he says, and I know that more often than not people think just like him so finding an actual supportive person in life is so hard so it feels like nobody can or will ever truly properly help so if it's going to happen at all it has to just be me "fixing" myself, but knowing that I just really really can't... I really truly can't... that's what makes me wanna CTB more than anything.

It isn't selfish to be struggling and people in your position need help and support to get better but unfortunately don't have a lot... I wish there was more support. I know no one person can just fix things or be expected to handle all of someone else's issues but if there was a more loving and supportive attitude amongst everyone it'd be easier to build actual support networks.