Venting Am I selfish?

[Gloomislost]

Am I selfish for wanting to CTB?
Everyday I think about how and when I'll do it, but what about my brother? He's 16, him and I both being born by the same mom and dad, both survived from abuse and neglect. (That was when I lived with my mom, I'm with my dad now and my living situation is better for the most part)
We've come so far but the damage to my mental state hurts me, and I know it does for him as well.
I'm so sad and tired almost everyday. My friends drain me, I grew up too fast and now I'm so fucking immature as an adult.
I don't want my brother to hate me if I CTB, I just want him to know that life is so fucking tough for me and I can't take this shit much longer.
I know it's selfish that I damage my body just to make these stupid thoughts go away, and I know it's selfish if I CTB while he's still alive. I really am trying to stay alive.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I have the same thoughts but for my mother.

I don't believe in living for other people anymore. on some level, that is selfish. but I think living for others is just too much to ask of a single person. we would never make someone give up an organ to save the life of another, and I think the same of my CTB now. the burden I bear is too big to do just for my mother.

all I hope for is that I can help her understand even a little that it wasn't her fault.

 

[Rocinante]

I guess if you have obligations to other people CTBing can be considered "selfish". It's selfish in the sense that it's something you do for yourself, but shouldn't carry negative connotations. It's just a means to an end.

It's selfish for others to expect anyone to continue living a life they don't want to live.

 

[Gloomislost]

I have the same thoughts but for my mother.

I don't believe in living for other people anymore. on some level, that is selfish. but I think living for others is just too much to ask of a single person. we would never make someone give up an organ to save the life of another, and I think the same of my CTB now. the burden I bear is too big to do just for my mother.

all I hope for is that I can help her understand even a little that it wasn't her fault.

Yeah, I get that. Sometimes it's just so hard to keep going but I don't want him to be alone.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

Yeah, I get that. Sometimes it's just so hard to keep going but I don't want him to be alone.

I think it's beautiful how much you love your brother. i understand not wanting to leave him alone.

if he ends up being the reason you stick around even a little while longer, then I wish you all the strength to move forward while you still can.

 

[Gloomislost]

I guess if you have obligations to other people CTBing can be considered "selfish". It's selfish in the sense that it's something you do for yourself, but shouldn't carry negative connotations. It's just a means to an end.

It's selfish for others to expect anyone to continue living a life they don't want to live.

You're actually right tbh. I never thought that the other person could be selfish but I know that mostly applies to my friends if anything. I just don't wanna fuck up and end up warded because my attempt wasn't successful. Like, I don't want to SEE the disappointment and shame from my friends and family.

I think it's beautiful how much you love your brother. i understand not wanting to leave him alone.

if he ends up being the reason you stick around even a little while longer, then I wish you all the strength to move forward while you still can.

Thank you, I'm really grateful that he's in my life and hasn't attempted to CTB himself.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Suicide can never be selfish as this a personal decision and a human right. However I understand your concerns as well. It's really a very difficult decision but there are only two ways: either suffering indefinitely for oneself or others have to deal temporary with grief and loss but oneself is finally free of all personal suffering. I hope you find peace!

 

[Stormy Raine]

Am I selfish for wanting to CTB?
Everyday I think about how and when I'll do it, but what about my brother? He's 16, him and I both being born by the same mom and dad, both survived from abuse and neglect. (That was when I lived with my mom, I'm with my dad now and my living situation is better for the most part)
We've come so far but the damage to my mental state hurts me, and I know it does for him as well.
I'm so sad and tired almost everyday. My friends drain me, I grew up too fast and now I'm so fucking immature as an adult.
I don't want my brother to hate me if I CTB, I just want him to know that life is so fucking tough for me and I can't take this shit much longer.
I know it's selfish that I damage my body just to make these stupid thoughts go away, and I know it's selfish if I CTB while he's still alive. I really am trying to stay alive.

You are not selfish at all! One can only take so much. Survivors of abuse as myself have come to realize after you survive the abuse, you are caught reliving it and forever traumatized by it. You can't live for others and whatever you decide is completely up to you, I definitely understand. You have to make a decision you can live or live without. I wish you the best my friend

 

[Gloomislost]

Suicide can never be selfish as this a personal decision and a human right. However I understand your concerns as well. It's really a very difficult decision but there are only two ways: either suffering indefinitely for oneself or others have to deal temporary with grief and loss but oneself is finally free of all personal suffering. I hope you find peace!

You're right, I think if my will is set and perfect in a way? Then my brother can get therapy for it by selling my belongings because the system is so fucked and expensive.

You are not selfish at all! One can only take so much. Survivors of abuse as myself have come to realize after you survive the abuse, you are caught reliving it and forever traumatized by it. You can't live for others and whatever you decide is completely up to you, I definitely understand. You have to make a decision you can live or live without. I wish you the best my friend

Right ? I hate that it's not something that just happens and then leaves my brain forever, I just javelin to deal with the fact that it happened.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

Everyone is selfish about one thing or another, but the pain and anguish that you go through isn't something people are equipped to deal with all the time. Nobody understands this type of stuff. Most people will hear about these problems and tell you to get help. Sadly doctors and drugs don't fix everything. Society has also made everyone believe suicide is wrong and we have to continue fighting.

There is no shame in giving up after you've been tortured for so long. Minds also get tired and hurt but it can't be treated like the body. You can't put a bandage on your brain and suddenly get better.

Guilting yourself for being "selfish" only does more damage. You're at least thinking about how it will impact your brother. Though at the end of the day you're only really responsible for yourself.

 

[Gloomislost]

Everyone is selfish about one thing or another, but the pain and anguish that you go through isn't something people are equipped to deal with all the time. Nobody understands this type of stuff. Most people will hear about these problems and tell you to get help. Sadly doctors and drugs don't fix everything. Society has also made everyone believe suicide is wrong and we have to continue fighting.

There is no shame in giving up after you've been tortured for so long. Minds also get tired and hurt but it can't be treated like the body. You can't put a bandage on your brain and suddenly get better.

Guilting yourself for being "selfish" only does more damage. You're at least thinking about how it will impact your brother. Though at the end of the day you're only really responsible for yourself.

Yeah and it's not like I'm going to remember any of this when I'm gone tbh. It's like I sorta look forward to the freedom from my pain.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me the real selfish thing would be expecting someone to stay here and suffer against their wishes when they want to die. Nobody is obligated to continue delaying their inevitable fate, it isn't like any of us chose to have the ability to exist in the first place anyway.

 

[Gloomislost]

To me the real selfish thing would be expecting someone to stay here and suffer against their wishes when they want to die. Nobody is obligated to continue delaying their inevitable fate, it isn't like any of us chose to have the ability to exist in the first place anyway.

Exactly !! Like, I didn't ask to be put on this earth, and now I'm expected to keep going after all the shitty stuff that has happened to me? That's fucked up for me and everyone else.

 

[Fabled Oblivion]

Am I selfish for wanting to CTB?
Everyday I think about how and when I'll do it, but what about my brother? He's 16, him and I both being born by the same mom and dad, both survived from abuse and neglect. (That was when I lived with my mom, I'm with my dad now and my living situation is better for the most part)
We've come so far but the damage to my mental state hurts me, and I know it does for him as well.
I'm so sad and tired almost everyday. My friends drain me, I grew up too fast and now I'm so fucking immature as an adult.
I don't want my brother to hate me if I CTB, I just want him to know that life is so fucking tough for me and I can't take this shit much longer.
I know it's selfish that I damage my body just to make these stupid thoughts go away, and I know it's selfish if I CTB while he's still alive. I really am trying to stay alive.

People will look at anything as selfish if they don't like it at something wrong gotta what is best for us if no one else wants to help life is complicated because people make ot that way just feel immature too but just live kinda ad an adult amongst adult and they don't act differently than I do so it isn't wrong so want what's best for you