Am I recovering or am I delusional

[BlessedOffal]

My twenties are colored by a sequence of dumb mistakes and life choices. This fall I lost it. Completely just.. lost it. I was so tired. So beat up. So freaking ready to just leave this world and not have to exist anymore. Ready to act on my ever growing urge to not have to be here, playing catch up in this capitalist society.

I don't know how to live in it "like other people". The majority sheep with their houses and their jobs and their annual vacations. Driving their electric cars and fashionably caring for the environment. Many of whom I love and cherish and look up to, to be honest. It's not like I'm a lone wolf. More like a.. what's a defeated and confused looking animal? A toad maybe? Or.. a slug? Freaking slugs, lol.

Anyways. I don't want to die just yet anymore. I don't know if it's due to falling in love/infatuation/crush/whatever despite myself, cause who meets a source of light and goodness at their absolute lowest?? I haven't dated IN YEARS, nor wanted to, or if it due to the antidepressants I finally got desperate enough to try. The impatience of dying has dissolved. It doesn't have to happen immediately RIGHT THIS SECOND anymore. I got my method. I can do it later. As for not fitting into this world? I suddenly feel like I don't need to. My insane debt? So I'll be poor, who cares. Disappointing my family and going from rising star to utter loser? Yeah, that's my own projection. Ha.

Is it Zoloft, acceptance, spirituality, meditation, love, who knows. Maybe it's undiagnosed Bipolar 2 lol. No, but seriously, can anyone chime in on the bipolar theory? Cause this is some night and day shit.

 

[134340]

Obviously I'm not a doctor, so I can't fully chime in on the bipolar theory, but it's possible. I personally think it sounds more like the Zoloft is putting you in a place where you're not as desperate to leave anymore. Decreasing depression often decreases suicidal ideation, even if it doesn't take it away completely. I think it sounds like you've found a medication that makes life slightly more bearable, so congratulations on that. It's hard not to question it when you start to feel better, but I think it's the meds. Again, not a doctor. I'm glad you're feeling at least a little bit more at peace! Hopefully it continues for you

 

[Sensei]

Maybe it's undiagnosed Bipolar 2 lol. No, but seriously, can anyone chime in on the bipolar theory? Cause this is some night and day shit.

I'm no psychiatrist, but I suffer from bipolar disorder 2 and I've read up very thoroughly on it. Judging from what you describe in your post, you could be bipolar II. It seems that you have come out of a depression. How long did it last, approximately?

 

[BlessedOffal]

I'm no psychiatrist, but I suffer from bipolar disorder 2 and I've read up very thoroughly on it. Judging from what you describe in your post, you could be bipolar II. It seems that you have come out of a depression. How long did it last, approximately?

What's it look like for you? I've always had "recurring depressions", but the worst bout this fall lasted about a month. Then I cleared up and was happy and convinced it would last. It lasted about two weeks. Then another month of depression hit, wanting to die, and going on meds. Now I've been fine for three weeks, which seems like an eternity.

 

[Sensei]

What's it look like for you?

My mind has been in disarray for a long time now and there doesn't seem to be any clear pattern. 2018 was one long bout of depressive and mixed episodes. I only had a couple of weeks of euthymia. 2019 I had five months of euthymia so it seems my new medication has some positive effects. I rarely have hypomanic episodes, but I can be very energetic and productive on subclinical levels in periods.

I've always had "recurring depressions", but the worst bout this fall lasted about a month. Then I cleared up and was happy and convinced it would last. It lasted about two weeks. Then another month of depression hit, wanting to die, and going on meds. Now I've been fine for three weeks, which seems like an eternity.

If you're depressions are very painful, but only last a few months, you might be bipolar. Can you discern any triggers, or do they just strike you like lightning, so to speak?

 

[BlessedOffal]

My mind has been in disarray for a long time now and there doesn't seem to be any clear pattern. 2018 was one long bout of depressive and mixed episodes. I only had a couple of weeks of euthymia. 2019 I had five months of euthymia so it seems my new medication has some positive effects. I rarely have hypomanic episodes, but I can be very energetic and productive on subclinical levels in periods.



If you're depressions are very painful, but only last a few months, you might be bipolar. Can you discern any triggers, or do they just strike you like lightning, so to speak?

Your 2018 sounds a lot like the past few years for me. Ridiculous ups and downs with both types of periods having me convinced they'll stay like that forever, so I'll either be set on dying or thinking I'm cured. Exhausting.

I can't find triggers. It's like ZAP you're it, and my worldview, self view, changes. Sound familiar?

It's only now, for the first time, I feel kinda calm. And I'm ready to think I'M ALRIGHT NOW, which is why I'm worried I'm being delusional lol

 

[Sensei]

Your 2018 sounds a lot like the past few years for me. Ridiculous ups and downs with both types of periods having me convinced they'll stay like that forever, so I'll either be set on dying or thinking I'm cured. Exhausting.

I can't find triggers. It's like ZAP you're it, and my worldview, self view, changes. Sound familiar?

It's only now, for the first time, I feel kinda calm. And I'm ready to think I'M ALRIGHT NOW, which is why I'm worried I'm being delusional lol

Again, I'm no psychiatrist, but it sounds like you're bipolar. Since you don't seem to have manic episodes, it's most probably bipolar disorder II. You don't get a higher suicide rate than for bipolar disorder II, so I suggest that you contact psychiatric care. Untreated bipolar disorder has a much bleaker prognosis, with an increased risk of social and economic problems as well as suicide.

 

[BlessedOffal]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. It's interesting to hear from others

 

[MysticPerception]

I don't think you're delusional at all. Accepting how things are in life is one way to move forward. If you do end up finding out you're bipolar at least you can blame the sudden shift on that then for the most part. As long as you don't give up and keep fighting to feel better about yourself and your situation it won't matter if you end up having a downturn later. Everyone has bad days, bad weeks, bad months, bad years. But if you reach a point where you feel you really don't want to ctb at all anymore and are happy with how things are and are okay with how you feel then it's all good in the end in my opinion.