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BlessedOffal
Member
- Oct 2, 2019
- 59
My twenties are colored by a sequence of dumb mistakes and life choices. This fall I lost it. Completely just.. lost it. I was so tired. So beat up. So freaking ready to just leave this world and not have to exist anymore. Ready to act on my ever growing urge to not have to be here, playing catch up in this capitalist society.
I don't know how to live in it "like other people". The majority sheep with their houses and their jobs and their annual vacations. Driving their electric cars and fashionably caring for the environment. Many of whom I love and cherish and look up to, to be honest. It's not like I'm a lone wolf. More like a.. what's a defeated and confused looking animal? A toad maybe? Or.. a slug? Freaking slugs, lol.
Anyways. I don't want to die just yet anymore. I don't know if it's due to falling in love/infatuation/crush/whatever despite myself, cause who meets a source of light and goodness at their absolute lowest?? I haven't dated IN YEARS, nor wanted to, or if it due to the antidepressants I finally got desperate enough to try. The impatience of dying has dissolved. It doesn't have to happen immediately RIGHT THIS SECOND anymore. I got my method. I can do it later. As for not fitting into this world? I suddenly feel like I don't need to. My insane debt? So I'll be poor, who cares. Disappointing my family and going from rising star to utter loser? Yeah, that's my own projection. Ha.
Is it Zoloft, acceptance, spirituality, meditation, love, who knows. Maybe it's undiagnosed Bipolar 2 lol. No, but seriously, can anyone chime in on the bipolar theory? Cause this is some night and day shit.
I don't know how to live in it "like other people". The majority sheep with their houses and their jobs and their annual vacations. Driving their electric cars and fashionably caring for the environment. Many of whom I love and cherish and look up to, to be honest. It's not like I'm a lone wolf. More like a.. what's a defeated and confused looking animal? A toad maybe? Or.. a slug? Freaking slugs, lol.
Anyways. I don't want to die just yet anymore. I don't know if it's due to falling in love/infatuation/crush/whatever despite myself, cause who meets a source of light and goodness at their absolute lowest?? I haven't dated IN YEARS, nor wanted to, or if it due to the antidepressants I finally got desperate enough to try. The impatience of dying has dissolved. It doesn't have to happen immediately RIGHT THIS SECOND anymore. I got my method. I can do it later. As for not fitting into this world? I suddenly feel like I don't need to. My insane debt? So I'll be poor, who cares. Disappointing my family and going from rising star to utter loser? Yeah, that's my own projection. Ha.
Is it Zoloft, acceptance, spirituality, meditation, love, who knows. Maybe it's undiagnosed Bipolar 2 lol. No, but seriously, can anyone chime in on the bipolar theory? Cause this is some night and day shit.