Am I really the bad guy?

[ChildishEgg]

I'm gonna start by saying that I have Autism and a bunch of other medical issues disorders and issues. I often find it hard to connect and understand people. Some people make entirely zero sense to me. Even by questioning these people or pointing out something that is incorrect or contradictory I get attacked. They jump defensively. Even if I say nothing remotely offensive I got yelled at. I was in a mental hospital once, they made my life a living hell. They prioritized other patients over me. Humor is my method of coping and it often seemed to interfere with other people. I was left with no way to deal with things. Forced to bottle it up. I once offended a girl with Anorexia because I said that MY cookie was similar in shape to that of a frisbee and was thin. Wasn't a full-on complaint, just an observation. The staff pulled me aside and reprimanded me. I said nothing even remotely offensive. It seems that every time I point out something I see as interesting or something that I don't fully understand, people always think I'm the bad guy. I don't know if people are just sensitive, or do it for attention. I just don't get it. I see no way possible that I was the bad guy in those situations. And they happened all the time too. I'm really good at noticing when I'm in the wrong, but it seems as if I'm in the wrong no matter what I do.

 

[Kit1]

Not sure of the answer. I am autistic and used to be blunt - I am now told that I scored extremely diplomatic as I learnt to keep my thoughts to myself. Also learnt some communication according to the ways of the world - for example when someone asks me how they look, I just smile and say "different" or something like that if I don't like something though the other person has asked me for opinion, it took a while to.understand that my opinion is only wanted if it is positive. As I don't lie, I have just found workarounds and still trying to understand the world. I am so sorryvthat you are going through this and masking is extremely hard work. Take ot easy and try not to blame yourself. The world is geared towards neurotypucal people and clearly we aren't..,

 

[ChildishEgg]

Not sure of the answer. I am autistic and used to be blunt - I am now told that I scored extremely diplomatic as I learnt to keep my thoughts to myself. Also learnt some communication according to the ways of the world - for example when someone asks me how they look, I just smile and say "different" or something like that if I don't like something though the other person has asked me for opinion, it took a while to.understand that my opinion is only wanted if it is positive. As I don't lie, I have just found workarounds and still trying to understand the world. I am so sorryvthat you are going through this and masking is extremely hard work. Take ot easy and try not to blame yourself. The world is geared towards neurotypucal people and clearly we aren't..,

I give people brutal honesty, I hate lying. I guess that's part of my problem.

 

[Kit1]

I give people brutal honesty, I hate lying. I guess that's part of my problem.

Okay. We have a similar challenge as I hate lying - so great to hear that I am not the only person with that challenge (sorry just realised that sounds horrible and I didn't mean that it is good that you have this problem). Someone I know identified this years ago and she basically trained me how to deflect questions and not answer directly (so technically not lying, but not being blatantly honest which is kind of a lower level of deception which stoll makes me uncomfortable, but trying not to hurt others). It is a tricky area as I don't understand why people have to be dishonest.., I hope that you manage to find a workaround - totally get whT you mean and the dilemma as well.

 

[nembutal]

their problem for being sensitive, not yours. you aren't responsible for other peoples triggers.

 

[ChildishEgg]

their problem for being sensitive, not yours. you aren't responsible for other peoples triggers.

THANK YOU. MY POINT EXACTLY. Their triggers, their problem

Okay. We have a similar challenge as I hate lying - so great to hear that I am not the only person with that challenge (sorry just realised that sounds horrible and I didn't mean that it is good that you have this problem). Someone I know identified this years ago and she basically trained me how to deflect questions and not answer directly (so technically not lying, but not being blatantly honest which is kind of a lower level of deception which stoll makes me uncomfortable, but trying not to hurt others). It is a tricky area as I don't understand why people have to be dishonest.., I hope that you manage to find a workaround - totally get whT you mean and the dilemma as well.

I don't want to change myself for others. They shouldn't be mad when I give them an honest answer to a question THEY asked.

 

[Life_and_Death]

their problem for being sensitive, not yours. you aren't responsible for other peoples triggers.

THANK YOU. MY POINT EXACTLY. Their triggers, their problem

I don't want to change myself for others. They shouldn't be mad when I give them an honest answer to a question THEY asked.

i dont entirely disagree. the person shouldnt completely put it on others to watch out for them, however that doesnt mean you cant meet them halfway depending on the situation. making people feel more secluded because its "not your problem" only makes the world a worse place

 

[ChildishEgg]

i dont entirely disagree. the person shouldnt completely put it on others to watch out for them, however that doesnt mean you cant meet them halfway depending on the situation. making people feel more secluded because its "not your problem" only makes the world a worse place

Not like we can make the world a better place. Unfortunately, reality doesn't care for people's feelings. Meeting people halfway would often require me to lie, I hate doing that. Therefor I won't

 

[Life_and_Death]

would often

depending on the situation

uh huh

 

[CheekyPhobia]

I give people brutal honesty, I hate lying. I guess that's part of my problem.

Unfortunate reality is that it feels confrontational when certain truths are reminded to us

 

[ChildishEgg]

Unfortunate reality is that it feels confrontational when certain truths are reminded to us

Truths don't care about feelings. You can't live in a play pretend

 

[Abyssal]

Good and bad are subjective, so I'll share you my ideology on it.

Everything that happens has lead up to the moment you are currently in. Your genetics, your surroundings, the people around you, the little things that made ever so slight differences in your life led you to where you are now. Now I ask you this: if these moments are the product of everything that has happened to you, do you think it could've been possible you made any other decision?

We should only regret what we could've avoided, but did you have any way of knowing that anyone who attacked you for who you are would do such a thing? Had you known, you probably wouldn't have done anything to get that reaction in the first place, right? Your intentions were never bad.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think the unfortunate truth of it is, some people will get offended and triggered by seemingly trivial things. The girl with anorexia may have been just hyper sensitive about anything to do with food. Especially fattening food. I don't expect you were but she may have felt that you were making a dig at her. Bear in mind- she may have gone through life constantly having people make comments about her weight, diet, food in general. It can become a very sensitive subject.

Not that I'd say I had an eating disorder (although, maybe I was borderline- I was obsessive certainly.) But- I did lose a lot of weight at one stage. I was always eating salads, carrots, celery- healthy stuff. But it got to a point where I couldn't get through a lunch time without someone commenting about it- rabbit food, healthy food again? Salad again? etc. It got to be really intrusive and annoying- so- I started eating alone.

Say someone had made the comment you did about your own cookie- no- that wouldn't have bothered me. Still- that girl may have not been mentally comfortable herself. The problem likely lies when you expect other not mentally stable people to accomodate for things that trigger them. Is it their fault that stuff triggers them anymore than it's your fault not realising what might trigger them? Who needs to accomodate for who?

You aren't the bad guy- no. If you're not saying stuff intentionally to hurt or trigger people. But- you can't exactly blame a person who is struggling with issues themselves when they get triggered by something. Even something seemingly harmless. People can't exactly help what they get triggered by. If- even after realising you didn't intend it to be offensive and they still aren't keen to accomodate for you- they probably aren't a good companionship match.

Still- I expect there are things you can learn to avoid. Someone with an eating disorder is likely to be hyper sensitive about their appearance and food- so- maybe better to just avoid all talk of that. Talk about films, TV, games, the weather- anything but that.

Yes, there's freedom of speech but that includes the possibility of offending someone and them telling you you have. They have the same freedom of speech to retaliate. If it's a misunderstanding though- which it sounds to be- you'd hope they would understand. If it keeps happening though- you keep saying stuff that triggers them- I expect they will try to avoid you. People look after themselves at the end of the day.

I hope you can find a way to navigate through this though. I hope you meet people where you can gain a mutual respect/ understanding for one another so neither gets offended.

 

[Ashu]

Truths don't care about feelings. You can't live in a play pretend

Most people do, but they call it kindness and consideration, not "play pretend".

 

[ChildishEgg]

Most people do, but they call it kindness and consideration, not "play pretend".

Read the whole thing or it looks bad out of context

Well for a modern example. If someone who was born biologically a female and wants to be called a male and I refer to him as a male. I would scientifically and medically correct. Appearances are also a huge thing in this context. The first question you ask a new person is "What is your name?" not "What's your sex?". There was no evil intention, it's just a simple observation, yet that person would likely find something to bitch about. Situations happen like this all the time with all sorts of things. One makes an observation and gets targeted immediately after without knowing why. There is a dilemma I once heard and I think it comes from the 50s. I will warn that considering it was made in these times, it plays a lot on race. The dilemma goes like this.

A black man is riding a train for the first time. He sees all the wonderful sights of the world. Birds, mountains, waterfalls, and canyons. As he is sticking his head out the window the train approaches a tunnel. A white man from across the train car tell him to pull his head in and refers to him as a racial slur. The black man gets angry and refuses then starts to argue with the white man. Mid-sentence his head hits the side of the tunnel and is decapitated.

Now I DO NOT support racism. The moral of the story is, is that it doesn't matter how the white man said it because he was correct. The fact that I got yelled at for saying my cookie was built like a frisbee is insane. It didn't matter how I said it or who was around. I made a simple observation and WAS CORRECT. It was my own food and someone else complained to a staff member because talking about my own food "triggered them". It is a "play pretend" that they decide and want to live in. But no one is going to hold you hand through life. And life gets hard really fast. If you can't handle it then maybe they should take the easy way out instead of suffering every day. Life is cruel and that is a fact. And to circle around to my point in the beginning, facts do NOT care for feeling.