Story Am I Ready?

[ADeadBunny]

I've just set up my canister and regulator. There is no doubt in my mind that when I slip the bag over my head that I'll ctb. I've been looking forward to this all day and I'm getting scared. A mix of existential thoughts and visions of distaught friends have me wanting to hang on again.

I'm sick of this cycle. During the day I know with certainty that I want to die and that the sooner I do it, the better. Then I get home and look at my kit and think, maybe tomorrow. There have been several tomorrows. Too many tomorrows. I want out and I can have it whenever I choose, but I also desperately want to know what it would look like if my life went right for once. I know that it won't happen, but sometimes I feel like I can do it.

It doesn't really matter though does it? I mean none of it does. Everyone lives and everyone dies and everyone suffers inbetween the two. If you're lucky you can run from it. If you're special you can deal with it. I'm tired of trying to do both of those. I just want to skip to the part where I get to stop hating every waking moment. For me I guess that part is the end.

And I still can't bring myself to it. God can't I have some courage for once in my life? I guess I'm probably going to blow past my deadline, again. Soon I'll walk away from it all though. Soon.

 

[kaitekat23]

It's okay to be scared. I'm scared to die myself because I've never been in a position where i have almost died. So in my head, I dont know what that even looks like. You'll know when you want to go, and if youre not ready then youre not ready. whether youre ready noe ot in 5 years. this is completely uyour choice. I feel like you'd make the right one for you :)

 

[thewalkingdread]

There have been several tomorrows. Too many tomorrows

We all know this feeling.

I've decided that I would definitely euthanize myself a year ago... I just see no sense in keep playing this "life game" anymore... It just feels like a huge waste of time and effort.

And, since then, I also have been actively planning and postponing. The last deadline I set to myself was yesterday. I wanted to CTB yesterday... However I still am here.

And that fucking sucks so much... mainly because I know I am certain that I don't want to live anymore but still can't bring myself to end It all. It's just so fucking hard. It all feels like I am in a prison with no escape.


This buddhist monk makes It all seems so easy... It's totally unreal and fascinating:



Imagine how "cool" one's mind has to be in order to immolate oneself...

 

[SVEN]

When you are truly ready, I believe that you will know. Until then, every good wish in enduring your daily pain.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired of suffering in this existence but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[R_N]

I wish people who call us a death cult read threads like these sometimes but they would never get it. There is no encouraging suicide here, just the freedom to be able to do it if we can't go on anymore. And acceptance of decisions individuals make for themselves.

That aside I feel you op. I never thought I would live as much as I did but here I am. It is fine regardless, we either do it or perish eventually. I get it is hard to live tho, but at least it ends one day.