Venting am i overreacting too much?

[raindrops]

I just wanted to ask what some of you guys think, am I overreacting? I'd like to think I'm not and my anger towards all of this is righteous! I just cant let go of certain things that make me feel so shit, yet I'm happy I struggle with leaving the past behind.
I have a partner, its going really well, some things can improve and only get better but there's always something on my mind I cant shift that sends me into this need/want to ctb, it seems so minor, to me it seems big, massive, serious!! Fuuuck...

When we had a "break" he met this girl, they were getting close, it hurt me so fucking much. She lives so far away though, so there's that.
What I cant seem to stop thinking about is that she STILL follows him on Bandcamp, if you're not familiar with it, it's a tiny tiny bit like Facebook but only for music and you cant message on there, you can only show off the music you buy on there to others and of course others can follow you, that's all.
You see, she removed him from everything just not Bandcamp, its pissing me off so much, I just want to say "do you mind unfollowing MY boyfriend" not exactly what I'm thinking throw in some obscenities too, a lot of obscenities!!

I have admitted this to my partner, which was probably a no go, but I couldn't help myself! It fucks me off so much. I'm so fucked off thinking about that slag, yes slag, following him. She's also 21, my partner 28 so I found that a bit sick anyway, is it wrong to think that age gap is sort of too much. Ughh.
I spoke to a friend the other night, I said "have you ever seen American Pie, when she says 'this one time at band camp', I actually have a story that starts like that"
So embarrassing, I know I shouldn't feel like this, how do I stop myself from thinking that fucking whore following him, how do I forget the past, it all seems so minor, to me it really isn't. Anyway if you read, thank you...

 

[◄✵火✵〇°Ø•WÅR•Ī°〇✵火✵►]

I'm sorry you're feeling this. I know you are upset and you have the right to feel whatever you feel but please direct your emotions and energy in a constructive direction for yourself. Your boyfriend found a girl while you two were on a break, that's fine. None of the parties involved are at fault or in the wrong, in my opinion. Relationships are often complicated but good communication is very important in smoothing things out and keeping them as clear as possible. Neither you nor your boyfriend have any control over what the other girl does, to be honest. And if you've expressed your feelings regarding the matter to your boyfriend, that's good enough. You can't make him do anything either.

So, my point is, relax. Communicate calmly and clearly with your boyfriend. Tell him what you want and need and listen to him as well. Furthermore, maybe the other girl just likes your boyfriend's taste in music or she just wants to somehow stay in his life for whatever reason. Everyone is free. The best you can do is express your feelings and let all other parties express theirs but the rest is out of your hands. After communicating and gathering clear factual information, mainly listening to your boyfriend and what he has to say, what you decide to do from then on is your choice, what they decide to do from then on is their choice.

I understand you are upset. But please look within yourself. You may find out that you're not actually really upset at the girl but at your boyfriend for even allowing that girl into his life to begin with but you're scared of expressing your feelings to him for fear that he will begin to not like you anymore, or that he may break up with you. This is just a possibility.

All in all, clear, calm and honest communication is key if you want clarity and peace of mind. Leave no room for doubts. So if you feel like it, ask each other as many questions as you want. You may keep notes of the answers somewhere so you have something to reference or go back to in case you need it in the future, this is optional.

In my personal opinion, if he is truly the one who is right for you, you shouldn't be afraid of being your true self and expressing yourself and your feelings, whatever they are and whatever you're going through. If he truly loves you for you, he will accept, embrace and work with all parts and aspects of you. He will love you and continue loving you, comforting, supporting and being there for you no matter what, until the end, unconditionally and without wanting anything in return but to see you okay and at ease. And if you truly love him for him, you would do the same.

If you feel like you can't truly be yourself, it may be based on a fear that wasn't recognized, addressed and dealt with or it may be that you're unconsciously picking up that he isn't the right one for you. So, just be open, if you want to find out the true nature of your relationship and where it stands. First, to yourself, then to those involved and eventually to everything else if you want to. And remember, everyone is free and should remain as so. Do what is and feels best for you. Put yourself and your well-being first. This is just my advice. You're free to do whatever you want. Good luck.

 

[raindrops]

I'm sorry you're feeling this. I know you are upset and you have the right to feel whatever you feel but please direct your emotions and energy in a constructive direction for yourself. Your boyfriend found a girl while you two were on a break, that's fine. None of the parties involved are at fault or in the wrong, in my opinion. Relationships are often complicated but good communication is very important in smoothing things out and keeping them as clear as possible. Neither you nor your boyfriend have any control over what the other girl does, to be honest. And if you've expressed your feelings regarding the matter to your boyfriend, that's good enough. You can't make him do anything either.

So, my point is, relax. Communicate calmly and clearly with your boyfriend. Tell him what you want and need and listen to him as well. Furthermore, maybe the other girl just likes your boyfriend's taste in music or she just wants to somehow stay in his life for whatever reason. Everyone is free. The best you can do is express your feelings and let all other parties express theirs but the rest is out of your hands. After communicating and gathering clear factual information, mainly listening to your boyfriend and what he has to say, what you decide to do from then on is your choice, what they decide to do from then on is their choice.

I understand you are upset. But please look within yourself. You may find out that you're not actually really upset at the girl but at your boyfriend for even allowing that girl into his life to begin with but you're scared of expressing your feelings to him for fear that he will begin to not like you anymore, or that he may break up with you. This is just a possibility.

All in all, clear, calm and honest communication is key if you want clarity and peace of mind. Leave no room for doubts. So if you feel like it, ask each other as many questions as you want. You may keep notes of the answers somewhere so you have something to reference or go back to in case you need it in the future, this is optional.

In my personal opinion, if he is truly the one who is right for you, you shouldn't be afraid of being your true self and expressing yourself and your feelings, whatever they are and whatever you're going through. If he truly loves you for you, he will accept, embrace and work with all parts and aspects of you. He will love you and continue loving you, comforting, supporting and being there for you no matter what, until the end, unconditionally and without wanting anything in return but to see you okay and at ease. And if you truly love him for him, you would do the same.

If you feel like you can't truly be yourself, it may be based on a fear that wasn't recognized, addressed and dealt with or it may be that you're unconsciously picking up that he isn't the right one for you. So, just be open, if you want to find out the true nature of your relationship and where it stands. First, to yourself, then to those involved and eventually to everything else if you want to. And remember, everyone is free and should remain as so. Do what is and feels best for you. Put yourself and your well-being first. This is just my advice. You're free to do whatever you want. Good luck.

Thank you for such an honest reply. It is true what you have said.
As I read through some of the things you said, they upset me, not in a bad way though, in more of a self realisation sense. I suppose it's just I wish I could control the situation, which is so unrealistic, I mean, I am in no way, shape, or form, controlling, at least I do not feel that way, but I do wish she wasn't following him on there. The thing is you cannot block someone on that platform, you cannot change it if someone follows you. So, yes it is something I will have to deal with and yes you're right people are free. As I typed that "people are free" I couldn't help but feel like when I was a child again, it is like I am screaming inside "but if you love ME, then you have to be on MY side!" So very pathetic, I know.
I have issues with crying in front of him, I express myself too much emotionally, I can't explain it, really, it is just that, sometimes it is hard to express myself without crying! So embarrassing.
I don't sulk, I don't just have "tears" I ball my bloody eyes out. Maybe all of this can seem controlling to some, sometimes I feel because of my reaction to certain things I'm making him walk on eggshells. I do need to work on those things a lot more. I can only think of one thing that maybe made me have these high emotions, I lost my mother so young, my father was never present in my life and when I really think of how I am, I feel like I act childish. Although I say it is because of losing my mother, I always remember at primary school if I had fallen out with a friend I would not want my mother to speak with that "friend" I would cry, I would hold her close and cry if I saw her say hello to the person I deemed not a friend anymore, I was only about 7/8 at this time in my life and I always remember my mum saying, "we have to be nice, we can't ignore them if they say hello" this would be as school finished and you go meet your parent in the play ground, these children I had come to dislike were children of her friends, so of course she would say hello back, it bugged me, bare in mind these kids never bullied me, I had just decided I didn't like them and then I would try control my mother to dislike them also, which she found funny, I would cry "noo, no you don't like her" I suppose she found it some thing a child does, literally the epitome of childish behaviour, really it's like I felt jealousy at a young age, like I was trying to get my mother to be on my side for no reason at all. Now I'm an adult, I still feel that feeling 'well if i don't like her or want her in my/our life, then you cannot' that is the attitude I have towards it, I have only ever felt that way with particular people in my life, my mother, grandmother, partner and partners family... I'm not drastic though, I don't take any crazy action against someone if they decide on allowing that person to stay in their life, I don't question them or belittle, I just feel hurt, like 'my side' wasn't taken.

Anyway, you may not read my reply but it felt good to type that out.
Thank you so much for your words though, very wise, I like it. Being mindful is something I did practice, thinking before I speak also.
I need to not overthink some things so much, so easily said than done, well coming from me!

 

[◄✵火✵〇°Ø•WÅR•Ī°〇✵火✵►]

I can relate to everything you said so I understand completely. I tend also to be an all-or-nothing type of person especially when it comes to investing myself in something or someone so I always expect it back in return, so I totally understand.

I realised recently that I have abandonment issues and don't like being left alone, I hate it actually, it's too scary for me. I think, it stems from the traumas I began associating with being left alone. Some traumatic things happened when I was left alone. One example is, some people broke into my home when everyone else left and I was alone in there. It was terrifying to me. And somewhere in my mind, I started thinking to myself "I'm going to talk about this with the people who live with me, if they love me, they will never leave me alone again, if they do ever leave me alone, it means they don't love me so I will stop loving them".

So I explained what happened and I decided what I would do based on their reaction. Of course, they listened to me and believed me. Nonetheless, they still had their own life to tend to so they couldn't nor wanted to stay by my side always and forever. So, I started emotionally detaching myself from them. I withdrew. At some point, I even started closing myself off unconsciously, out of fear of future disappointments.

So, I started retreating within myself and into my perfect fantasy world and imagination. There, there was someone who was always and forever by my side and on my side and would never leave me, betray me, or not be on my side, no matter what. There, everything was perfect, ideal, peaceful, whole and safe to me.

I did and tried my best to avoid getting involved with anyone in real life and investing myself in them. Because I was afraid that I would discover in the future that they would abandon me too. I was afraid that I would realise "I knew what would happen and I still invested myself so much! I could've prevented this. I know better. It's all my fault I'm hurt now." I know all of this sounds so immature. It's hard because my expectations and standards are so high. But I learned to accept myself. This is who I am. This is how I operate.

Now I'm suicidal, I deeply reflected on my own standards and values and I know that they can never be fulfilled in this world and reality. So, I've accepted that fact. And now, I'm learning to navigate this world with that knowledge in mind. I've learned to accept that other people won't behave the way I would ideally want them to. But somehow I always found myself giving them the benefit of the doubt. I would say "What if, this time.... What if, this person... Etc" but I would always be brought back to reality when their behaviour didn't match my ideal or expectations. I realised this was unfair to them so, I set them free gently, apologizing and explaining as best as I can to them and to myself whenever and however I can, that this isn't their fault, this is no one's fault. It just is what it is. But I take responsibility for my part in the situation. Hoping they would understand and forgive me too. Hoping neither party is left with bitter feelings in the end. Trying my best to reach that outcome whenever I can and have to.

I'm more relaxed now, I'm set on suicide. I think to myself, "Well, none of this will matter anymore, I will be free and I will finally be where I long to be". So, I stopped investing in this world, this life and this reality.

So yeah, I completely relate to you. I'm super-possessive too lol so I tend to get jealous even about the smallest thing. Anyway, I'm okay with it, I've accepted myself. I just had to learn to set others in this world free and in turn, setting myself free from this world as well. I said this in another post but I'm mostly relaxed because I believe that everything that truly belongs to me, has always belonged to me and will forever belong to me, no matter what. So, I've released everything else, you could say.

This was long, I'm sorry. You're right, it feels good to let it out. Thank you for this opportunity and I'm glad it was useful to you, I just wanted to share something that I learned and thought might be beneficial for others as well. In the end, it was beneficial for all parties so thank you too.

Ps: I'm super emotional and sensitive too lol so I don't cry, I bawl as well haha. And I guess I also express myself too much emotionally and it can be overwhelming to people who can't handle that. I'm very deep and I guess only an equally deep and emotional person could ever understand, handle and match me. Sounds like looking for a mystical winged unicorn.... Nevermind, I'll meet my mystical winged unicorn when I ctb, hopefully.